I always wake up feeling so lonely, and not really lonely as much as guilty. Oh I don't know any more, but fuck it all to hell, I don't care any more. All I want to do is express myself and not have to put on a happy face like I have to do all day at work and, since moving in with a roommate, all night at home too. Maybe I will call my family, but even with them I have to make up happy stories and tell them how great I'm doing when inside I'm screaming for somebody to notice my pain. I know part of being an adult is hiding your pain and not expressing dissatisfaction with anything, but all I really want is for somebody, anybody to hear my pain so I don't fell quite so alone.

Some days you wake up and just feel like writing. After a night of weird dreams that made me realize how truly disturbed I really am, I woke up and I realized that I am loosing myself. Not loosing control, but loosing who I used to be. I don't want to be a cog in a big corporate machine, I don't want to be numb to other's suffering. I look at myself now and I realize that I don't like who I am. I don't know what I want to be, but I know it isn't this. This facade of happiness that I project to the world is slowly taking over, while inside I'm still screaming for release. And the worst part about it, I'm loosing my ability to spill my soul onto a computer screen.

God! I fell so alone in the world, not just sexually, that's just something that I need to accept, but emotionally alone, like even if I let myself go and be who I really am (or think I am) nobody would care. Do I really need validation from somebody else to tell me that I am good or bad or evil even? I know I shouldn't, but I really do. So here is my weakness for all to see, if somebody stumbles upon this in pursuit of acceptance or merely something to read on a lonely night, drop me a response.

No explanation (sorry) just a poem, by somebody who (obviously) does not write poetry:

Oh sweet Rejection
Rantings of a lonely mind
Lost not today, soon

When isolation ends
When loneliness is comfort
All that's left if me