I don't know why yet, but there is my confession and the cause of All my stress until next payday. Was it worth it? Hell no.

I called in sick again and blamed it on my car which really is on the edge of blowing up. I might get fired for that, but probably not. I do that all the time.

Just blew another paycheck. This time @ the coast. Sacricfied Insurance, court, gas, cigarettes, shoes, a hair cut, lunch, the Superbowl all to the casino.

Reminder to self: Stop getting stressed by the details of life. If life is so short, why do I hate it so much most of the time?

The thought running through my head today as I showered: I am a gross, disgusting, despicable excuse of a human being and I deserve to die.

It wasn't harsh. I know I have to go live life. But I'm afraid of how bad it can get, because now it's so much better than it was even if it's so far from good.

And while I'm at it, who is this person that I used to be close to, and now I'm not? Shane? Jamie? Amy? Karie? If it's Amy I'll tell you, I never gave up hope.

But I wasn't miserable for a while. I was content and happy. Now for some reason, I'm not. Maybe it's Valentines on the way, maybe it's Winter. I don't know.

It's not that bad anymore. How can it be when it was all in my head? Apathy replaces despaire. I'm left alone. No reason to complain; no reason to rejoice.

I rarely actually feel hungry; I eat mostly when I feel empty.

Test

Couples. I don't want to be part of one. I still don't think anybody can like me that much. I don't desperatly crave it any more. I miss the desperation.

"The whole splendid misery of surrendering to someone who tolerates but doesn't totally reciprocate." From a Time review of 500 days of summer.