Blah

Why must life seem so futile?  New Years alone?  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Or at least it didn't seem important enough to worry about until it was too late.  So today I realized that I may be faced with spending New Years alone.  It seemed like an okay idea.  Sitting alone in my room reflecting on how far I've fallen in the past year.  Oh have I fallen.  Now, as the day approaches, little more than 24 hours till 2012, the thought fills me with dread.  I'm so sad right now.  I just want a little bit of validation.  I'm so angry, I just want some satisfaction.  I'm so ugh, I just want blah!  :-(

My Ankles

They hurt SO bad.  I know at 300+ pounds I'm bound to have ankle, knee, feet problems, but over the past week they have gotten worse and worse.  It takes so much effort just to stand up and when I get up, then most of the time I have to hold onto things or lean on walls just to walk around without wincing in pain.  I'm sick of it.  I'm afraid people that think I'm doing it for attention, but I promise you I'm not.  They actually hurt, and they haven't stopped hurting for a week and a half.  First it started with my left ankle, which is still the worst of it, but by over compensating, my right ankle is hurting now too.  I really hope this goes away at some point.

Finally an emotional snapshot!

Wow, I am so angry right now.  I wake up and my ankle hurts to bad I can barely put weight on it, so I ask my step-dad to make a stop at the store on his way back from taking his little girl to school to pick up cigarettes for me.  Of course the douche says no, even though he's making a special stop for his other little princess to pick up a tooth brush, and of course she didn't offer him anything to do it.  Then I say: "Why do we have to see those people tomorrow if we're gonna see them next week anyway? Alas, I'm obligate." Referring to my sister's birthday party, and the other little princess says, "Then don't go, nobody wants you there anyway!" What a bitch!  I mean, is there any worse way to start the day than being told your family doesn't want to be around you?  I mean, fuck!  My douche for a step father won't stop at the store for me even though I'm crippled, and his little princess says nobody wants me at the family thing anyway.  What a great way to start the day!  To think, even though I was hurting by the time I made it to the stairs, I stopped to appreciate the sunrise and thought today was going to be a good day.  So much for that.  Fuck!  Seriously, I feed his fucking dog and take out his fucking trash when he's not here, and he can't make one stop for me?!?!?!  I knew my first impression of that asshole was right 20 years ago when I first met him, took me 20 years to confirm it.

Jamie!!!!

My Kiwi Angel, you're still alive and reading my rants, thank you!!! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments.  Plus, because of you I have a minor infatuation with your whole country.  I now know who the All Blacks are and I have an above average understanding of rugby.  Also, I know that New Zealand is in fact two islands . . . okay, really that's all I know, but still it's a lot more than most ignorant Americans.  Thanks again . . . :)

I know I shouldn't . . .

Sometimes living with my family is the best thing that ever happened to me.  There's no pressure to be anyone but myself and they have to love me for it.  Even when I make what to me seems like a huge mistake (spending part of my rent money on Video Poker) they still don't hate me?  What's up with that?  Still, this isn't good.  I love being part of the unit and feeling like a kid again.  I like the sense of structure and not wondering where my next meal is coming from.  I love knowing that no matter what, there will ALWAYS be dinner cooked for me every night.  It's making me irresponsible and immature.  Because I don't have to be responsible or mature.  Still, there is something that will never beat mom's cooking.  Even though at 26, I should have my own wife and kids and house and car and career.  I was on the track to have all of that, and then Assurant and specifically Kandi and Thor fired me and threw me to curb like five years of my life were nothing.  I would love to say that I'm done falling from that blow, but nope.  Over a year later, I'm still reeling.  Alas, I ramble.  At this moment, I am grateful for my family who forgives me when I can't forgive myself.  Now if only I can shake the lingering influences from that which I escaped.