Too fucking lazy to kill myself

Don't worry Jamie, I'm still alive.  It's Valentines day so I'm sitting here staring down a bottle of rum.  I've been staring down that same bottle of rum for about 4 days now and each day I decided to wait till Valentines day, so I made it and now I'm gonna drink it.  Don't worry, when it comes down to it, I'd rather sleep than kill myself.  Killing myself is incredibly selfish plus it takes a lot of effort.  Not to mention all the work I'd cause my family.  My grandparents would be the first to see my dead body and it would traumatise them, then they'd have to call the morgue or the ambulance then there'd have to be a funeral which my grandparents would probably have to pay for.  I know my blog would get a lot more reading after I die because my suicide note will simply say: see oblivionschild.blogspot.com.  Maybe someone will read all of it, maybe they'll be able to pinpoint the exact day that I started doing Meth, maybe they'll see all the alcohol postings and feel sorry for me.  Who knows what they'll see in this.  Gabbi and Ally are my two little sisters btw, they're usually what keeps me from taking the plunge.  But thanks for caring Jamie, love you!

Goodbye

Dear World,

It's been a hell of a run, but it's time to give up.  I'm never going to find a job, I'm good for nothing, and like Gabbi says, I'm an asshole anyway.  I've written this note in my head so many times and it always comes out more eloquent than this.  I guess I should say that this is nobody's fault.  Everyone is going to blame themselves, but it's my decision and it's a decision that's a long time coming.  I'm not even sure how I'm doing at this point, I know it's going to be some kind of hanging.  Or maybe I can just take every pill in the house and hope that it kills me.  Not likely though.  When I do this, I don't want to do it half way.  Like Gabbi says, don't talk about it unless your serious.  Well I am serious.  I've been serious about this for a long time.  I've mentioned Gabbi twice in this note already.  I guess because I know she'll be mad.  She always thought I had potential and now I'm giving up on that potential.  Ally, I know you can make it through this.  I know what I'm about to do is incredibly selfish, but I'm sorry I just can't do it anymore.  It's not your fault, in fact you've given me the few real smiles that I've had in these past months.  Never forget those high 5's that hurt, it's not much but they made me smile till the end.  Okay so maybe I'm not going to kill myself today.  Not that I have too much to live for or anything like that, it's just cause I'm too lazy and I don't know how to do it.  I could make a noose if I put in the effort, but I'm just too lazy.  I really want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning but I cracked off my car for Meth about a year ago and I don't have the keys to the extra car, or maybe I do!  That would make this a lot easier.  But I'm not going to, not today.  Tomorrow's a new day, maybe I'll have the energy to do it tomorrow.  For now, I'm smoking a cigarette and taking a nap.