I should have written about this earlier, and there's so much to tell, but it's all been said and it's cemented in my mind. New disclaimer: this is written knowing full well that Jill will read every word and as much as I'll do my best not to censor anything I write, she will affect my writing just like she affects every single action I take in life anymore.
Yeah, that sounded unhealthy. The only me, the recovery me, says run! Run! Your happiness should be so centered on a single person, it is so wrong. Why then, does it feel so right? Why can a single word from her, a message, a phone call, a picture, a mere reminder that she is in fact real turn my day from darkness to the brightest of sunshine? I love this woman so much and she loves me! A week ago I was at our final meal together and (I hate this phrase) it was all I could do to put a smile on my face and try to forget that in a few short hours I would walk away from the soul that my soul needs. Omg, I know this is messed up, but the site of her crying as I left was the saddest and most beautiful site I have ever seen. How can somebody love me so much that me leaving reduced this strong, strong woman to tears. How can somebody who's been through so much pain and spent so much effort putting herself together and would never give her heart away easily, cry so hard because I was leaving? What the hell did I do to deserve this? What can this woman possibly see in me? She tells me all the time and there are moments and minutes and even hours sometimes when I totally understand it and there are times when I look in the mirror and see her as she sees me and it makes me smile. God I cried so hard on that plane and at the airport and when I got home and for the first few days and even yesterday, I would burst into tears at random times. But it's so beautiful that I would love somebody so much that the thought of not being able to touch them would make me weep. God I love that woman. Isn't it incredible? Time to go, but this is just a quick free write in the middle of a day filled with SO much love.
