I know I haven't posted here in forever and I know nobody actually reads this anymore, but I need to write. Grandma died last June. June 20th to be exact. The longest fucking day of the year. I was there with her when she took her last breath. Grandpa and David were there too. That seems to be the defining moment in my life right now, still over 3 months later, At night that means facing my own mortality, during the day it means grieving her still. I really am ready to move on, but I just can't and coming back to their house every weekend to spend it with grandpa certainly isn't helping, but when I'm away from here I miss him. I miss her. Not quite ll the time anymore, I really, really want to move on. I want to change everything, but I can't and I won't because I'm stuck. By circumstances for sure, but mentally and emotionally, and even spiritually as well. I want to pick up and go explore the world and find my meaning and purpose when I'm pretty sure there's no inherent meaning or purpose to the universe. But first, I have to lose weight. I'm going to be 4 years clean in a couple months (the other defining feature of who I am that I will never be able to let go of) but I woke up after grandma died and I was 505 pounds! I got dangerously fucking fat, and I still smoke, but hey at least I don't do meth, right? After all I've fucking been through in life, a lot of which I've talked to this blog about, now I have to fight very, very, morbid obesity. But I started a fucking diet. Things lined up and a cute girl on Tiktok that happened to be a personal trainer took interest in me and suddenly I'm motivated to lose weight. Not interested like that, just in a friendly way, but not in a feeling sorry for me kind of way. Anyway, she motivated me to lose weight. She was encouraging without being even a little judgmental and she gave me some parameters to work within, 3000 calories a day, 200 grams of of protein and walk every day. I got so fucking sedentary during covid. I started out at 1,500 steps a day and now I'm up to 3,000. But I'm down 18 pounds already in 3 weeks. So there's all there is to know about my life. There is so much more, but that's me on the surface. For all the fucking emotion that I have built up, that's all I'm willing to write about. That is literally all surface stuff. I'm scared of what's below the surface. Because at the moment I'm doing okay and death seems like something acceptable, even if I don't accept it. Anyway, if you read this and you want to know more, check me out on Tiktok, my user name is ObliviAb. Thank you for listening. I love you guys!
