So it's been a while and life's been . . . well life. A new girl, a new obsession, another chance at utter and complete failure. Friends are still being friends, and I really do have amazing friends, but sometimes I can't be the friend that I want to be because I want so much more from the relationship. Alas, thanks to friends, I now know that I can't really change those feelings, but I need to try. Oh, and I'm unemployed again and succumbing, not so slowly to alcoholism. What's funny is that I'm more concerned about the girl situation than I am about my own. Actually, that's not really funny, it's probably pretty unhealthy. I mean, I'm sitting here at the unemployment office, I've filled out a grand total of one application this week and I'm still thinking about Sarah? *sigh*

This is it! Who knew that it would come down to a single act of impulse? A single act of revenge. What I'm about to do I'm doing because of . . . never mind, damn you blog for taking me from the edge of suicide again. Fuck you!

It's been so long since I've cried sober. But right now I woke up on the edge of tears. I am so lonely right now, and I know I have no right to want anybody right now because I'd be nothing but a burden to them with all my issues. I just want to crawl into bed, but the covers over my head and hide from the world. At least in my dreams I'm never alone.

Decisions, decisions, decisions . . . where am I going to live? I'm not sure what my gut is saying, I don't know where my heart is in the situation, logically it's an even split. It's only in the irrationals that my indecisiveness lies . . .

I still hate. God do I still hate. I wish I could love half as much as I hated. But I can't. I've been wronged by so many people lately that all I can feel anymore is hate. I can't forgive right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive. I'm just not strong enough. I miss my friends. But I pushed them away. I promise to be a better friend, a better son, a better brother. Not conditionally, just because it feels good to be good sometimes. I just want to feel a little bit better about life, but I can't. Even as I'm writing this, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

With this shot, I officially succumb to alcoholism . . .

I remember a time when drinking 6 or 7 shots of whiskey (alone, btw) would have gotten me drunk, now I'm just bored. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

People are what we perceive them to be. When I look at someone, namely my mom, I see them as everything they've ever done, not who they really are. Hence me reverting to the kid when I lived with my grandparents. The point is, when I can stop seeing people are all that they've done instead of who they are now, then I'll finally be able to move on with my life. When I look at them, I don't even see them anymore, I only see the reflections of the worst and best in me.

I am so scared this morning. Change is being thrust upon me just as it has been for months now and all I want is someone to make it all feel better. I know that no one person will ever be able to make it all better, but that's what I want right now. A hug, a few kind words, I've used up all my friends. I still miss Amy, and Grant and Whitney, even though they hurt me so much, I still miss them. I know that they can't make everything or anything better, but everything's changing and I'm scared damnit. I don't want to drink, I don't want to smoke, I don't want to do anything like that, I just want to . . . I don't know what I want. I want . . . I want . . . Well maybe I don't know what I want, and since I don't know what I want, maybe I should focus on what I need. I never really ask myself that question.

I need to get out of debt, I need to get my licence back, I need to get my own place, I need to get a better job. In the immediate future, I need to get ready for work. I need to go to work and not think about all the stresses in my outside life. I need to concentrate on work no matter how mundane and consuming it is . . . Blah. Now I have a head ache. I just want a magic pill that will make all of life's problems go away.

I dreamt all night of a post apocalyptic world akin to the "The Stand". I held a dying Bill Clinton in my arms as I told him America was dead and I watched the Whitehouse burn to the ground. Also, I'm pretty sure I died at least twice last night . . . just wanted to get that dream out there before I lost it.