I HATE customers that make me feel stupid. It must make them feel so superior just to make somebody feel like less than what they are. All these people can go to HELL !

So I'm bored, I'm really bored, and I have a lot of energy even though I woke up at 4:45 this morning, and I've been at work since 5:50, and it's 12 right now, and I just now have less than 8 hours left in work, and I still have to come in on my day off tomorrow to do training. Suddenly I've lost my energy and enthusiasm that I had just a few minutes ago. So never mind, back to the boring and depressed, and mildly entertaining ha ha :)

So there is some news: a + b does not in fact = c, therefore, c - b doesn't not equal a. Or some other mindless rambling about nothing. So in some real news, who cares? I havn't had a response at this blog for weeks, so anybody who reads this can go to Hell!

Susie's getting married!

Can you believe it, our little susie's getting married! I'm so happy for her.

Growing up, it was always me, Sue and Christina. We were cousins and friends. Or maybe not, maybe I'm idealizing it. The point is: growing up, I always wondered what would happen when we were all grown up. And now it's happened. But as happy as I am for Sue, for some reason I'm confronting my own mortality. Something that seemed like it would never happen, has finally happened.

Not that I never thought Sue would get married, but when we were kids playing in grandma's huge back yard, playing with toys in the back of Grandpa's pickup on the way to adventures unknown, or (not so long ago) jumping around on rocks, by a roaring river trying not to kill our selves in the pursuit of adventure, being adults seemed like it would never happen. Back in the days when being a kid was just being a kid, there was no pressure to grow up, there was no reason to believe that the pure innocence would ever end. Now Sue's getting married, and any faint hopes of immortality die with Sue's marriage.

But Sue chose right, not that it's my place to judge, but it's my blog and I can do what I want. I know she'll be happy forever and I'm truly happy for her in a completely unselfish way that I've never really felt. Maybe my hedonistic, self centered personality is finally starting to clear, giving way to the person I truly am.

Or not?

So I have the opportunity to make an extra $350 after taxes, but I have to work 14 hour days for 5 days. I was going to write a big entry on whether I should or shouldn't. But before I thought about it, I decided it. It might make me hate my job, but when the pay check comes I'll love it. With 36.5 hours of OT on my check and an extra $350 in my pocket, then I'll smile. Besides, it's only 2 days in a row, then three days in a row. It's Friday and Saturday, then it's mon-tues, then it's thurs-sat. So Money in my pocket all for a few hours lost sleep, I'm happy :) I won't be happy in a week, but right now I'm happy :)

OMG today is without a doubt, the worst and most horribly disgusting day that I've had since I've been here. Customers are evil and I can't do anything right today. Oh I just need somebody to tell me that it will be okay. Maybe today is the day that my sub-conscience decides it doesn't want this job and, without realizing it, I ruin my life. The trouble is, I know that I'm ruining it. It could be just paranoia on having a few bad calls in a row. But right now it's just been the day from Hell. I hope with all that I have to hope with that today will get better. Please anybody who reads this, please give me a few words of encouragement. Thanks.

From 8th grade through high school I loathed conformity. I would do everything I could to be different. I almost feared it, but what I really feared was being hated for what I was rather than who I was. So instead of being myself, I created an image of myself that refused to accept the status quo. I didn't want to change it, I just didn't want to be a part of it.

Passion. Gregg had a great suggestion yesterday in that I should find a subject to be passionate about. The trouble with that is my interests are either so eclectic or so non-existent that it's hard for me to feel passion about anything. Plus I've had passion in my life before and it's always led to miserable failure.

For example: journalism. I was really passionate about writing during high school. But then an unfortunate incident involving herbs and an untrustworthy friend led to be being kicked out of journalism class unjustly.

Also that year I got into choir for the last semester of senior year, and I was really into that. I loved it, and I guess that didn't lead to disaster. It led to one great concert and I still remember as one of the best days of my life.

Then of course my herbal passion, which I never really gave up, just put on hold so I could become a cog in the corporate machine. Now there was a passion that I could thoroughly enjoy. Alas, the drink replaces the herb.

So now a brain storm on passion: wine tasting, sci-fi, fantasy, literature, blogging, writing, video games, cooking, fire fighting, blogging, chatting, TV, tech.

So none of those strike me as something to be passionate about. My real passion is distraction. Anything and everything to distract me from my own mortality and the futility of life.

So after five days of waiting for someone, anyone to respond to the epiphany that wasn't, I am now forced to concede that I do not really exist. I am just a wisp of imagination floating in somebody's dream. Until they decide what to do with me next, I will be but a dream within a dream. Is it too far fetched to believe that we are but a character in a book?
In the story that I now populate, I am not the main character, I am just a minor antagonists, with a sub-par intelligence and absolutely no personality. Now I'm in storage until that omnipresent author decides what to do with me. I can imagine what the line for the last 2 months of my life would be: "Jason spends the next 2 months in front of a computer making good money for the time being, but soon the futility of life crushes him into less than a shadow of what he use to be, but the proverbial shell without an oyster."

Ugh, I'm just not into writing right now, but I'm not depressed. Just bored. So for anybody who cares, I'm still alive and kicking at the door to Hell as always.

Read this: this is meaningful!!

I was sitting here reading, watching the live cast of the ducks game and just pretending to work when a picture of Melody popped into my head for no particular reason. I haven't pictured her in years. I haven't seen her since senior year of highschool. I realize that the mere thought of her still brings up all these extremely negative emotions.

They say you should face your fears, my fear is Melody. If the very thought of her can bring up such feelings of inadequacy, then it's time to deal with it. So I have to write down everything from top to bottom, bottom to top inside and out, and yet I'm afraid. I made all the mistakes there are to make with girls with her, and until I deal with them I may never have a relationship.

And THAT is epiphany of the day: Until I deal with all the emotions that Meldoy still brings up in me, I will never, never, loose my purity, have a meaningful relationship or ever end the eternal loneliness. The fear that I feel whenever someone gets close to me is directly related to that series of events.

Unfortunately, I'm too afraid to deal with these emotions. These emotions are best left buried where they can never surface and quietly ruin my life one emotion at a time.

It is so bitterly, grossly, ungodly cold out today, but it's not icey. I was outside 10 minutes ago and my hands are still cold! So anyway, I have soo much to talk about today. All boring and arbitrary things, but here it goes.

1st: I get to babysit my 2 y/o cousin tonight. He's the Brat from Hell, but he's so cute. Plus it gives me an excuse to watch cartoons, eat pizza and ice cream, and feed the kid plenty of mountain dew. Also, it makes me go shopping, which I've been putting off for weeks. And I have to clean, which again I've been putting off for weeks.

2nd: I tried a clove cigarette for the first time today, and it sucked horribly. It was like smoking an incense and just as harsh. But it smells really good, so maybe.

3rd: I think I left my door unlocked today and it's bugging the hell out of me. By the time I noticed I was half way to work and running a little late.

4th: The Ducks play today for the first time without their star QB who was fractured his ankle last week. But I had a dream last night that the Ducks play better than they've played all season and win by a huge margin.

So is that it, is that what I consider so muck going on in life? Has my life gotten so routine and monotonous that more than one break in routine a day causes me to feel overwhelmed?

So I'm bored and at work, I don't know if I should go shopping at safeway where for $10 I might have food for a week, or just hit burger king on the way home. I think the latter because I don't want to deal with people. Plus it's a longer walk. Just a brain storm on on a shopping list:
eggs
milk
hamburger
chicken
mac and cheese
donuts
egg nog
cheese
soup
cheese soup
Maybe I'll just get burger king tonight, then I'll cook a big pot of soup on Saturday. Hmmm, I want cheeseburger soup. I don't feel like cooking, and buying like $10 worth of stuff. Let's think of what I'll need. Chicken bullion, potatoes, hamburger, cheese, celery, carrots. Hmm, nah. BK it is. Thanks for the input, but somehow spending $7 or so on food for one night seems easier.

Can you believe Bush today? This guy is Fighting the flu. It's the flu people. It's not some scary bad guy with a towel on his head. The flu will not blow up buildings. It's a goddamned cold! So let the shrub have his war on flues. Wouldn't it be hilarious to see New York quarantined, lol. It would be like a cheap disaster novel. Call me sadistic or naive, but to see Bush out there in a quarantine suit giving a speech from the middle of Times Square would be even more funny than seeing him jump out of the back seat of a jet on an aircraft carrier.

Yeah I know, that was incredibly disrespectful to troops, America, the President, etc., et. Al. And to those that I offend, I'm truly almost sorry. I'm not sorry for what I said, but sorry that you've been so indoctrinated by the dogma that the Republicans stuff down your throat like so much BS.


In other news, I finished the shadow of the Hegemon. Now it's onto shadow Puppets. For those of you that haven't read the Ender series: go to Hell. Because now I'm going into critiques that you'd have to be in the know to understand. The books were written in the following order:

Enders Game
Speak for the Dead
Xenocide
Children of the Mind
Enders shadow
shadow of the Hegemon
shadow Puppets
shadow of the Giants

Though they were written in that order, Enders Game and Enders shadow stand on their own. You could read either of these without reading any of the others. But I think you would find the most enjoyment from this series by reading Ender's Game then Ender's shadow.

Then decide which character you like better. If you like the bold leader with a weak but intelligent core the go with Speaker for the Dead, Xenocide and Children of the Mind, which is about Ender's quest to save an entire alien species. This series is not bad, and I ate this series up in three weeks or so at Job Corps.

For those who liked Bean (Enders best friend) There's the shadow series. Shadow of the Hegemon, shadow Puppets and shadow of the Giants, these books are completely different from the Ender series. From what I've read in shadow of the Hegemon, which I just finished, these books are about Ender's brother uniting the world under his power. Personally, I like Peter. His quest for power is all for a good cause, and so far he hasn't killed anyone with his own hands.

So enough of that, this post is getting extremely long. More later.