Okay, I don't know what to write about today but I feel like writing.  I feel like expelling all this pent up anxiety and letting it go into the world.  I know that nobody reads this, well I guess some people do, I get between one and two page views a day.  What should I say?  Right now I'm worried that I haven't gotten any hours since Saturday and now I won't be able to pay rent on time.  That's okay I should be able to pay it just a week late and I'll be able to get December's paid on Friday which is tomorrow.  Wow, this week went by fast.  I should say Merry Christmas to all of those who do read this.  I had a great Christmas.  I got exactly what I wanted and I was able to get something for everyone on my list.  I know already that I won't be alone for New Years, that's a good thing I guess.  I'll be spending it with Val out at the bars, I've never been out for New Years before.  I apologized to Sarah last night and she said that she's not ready to forgive me yet.  I understand.  I guess I understand.  I'm supposed to understand.  I'm lonely, but I've learned that it's nobody else's responsibility to make me less lonely, if I'm lonely I have to take care of it myself.  I'm scared because I won't be able to pay rent on time.  I'm afraid that I'll go a long time without getting any hours.  So I guess that sums in up.  One the day after Christmas, 2013, I'm lonely and scared.  I'm fighting addiction and loneliness.  My mom and sister have move to Springfield because my mom and step-dad divorced, so now they're further away from me than they've ever been.  Not that I see them that much anyway, but I liked the option of seeing them.  I miss them already.  The phrase that keeps on going through my head is "I want to go home."  When I'm actually at home I think that the home I mean is here, and maybe it is, maybe what I'm really saying is I don't want to leave here.  I don't want to go home and back to reality.  Reality is an empty room, alone with my books, an empty fridge, a lonely house.  It means drug using roommates that make it impossible to stay sober.  It means having to lock my door when I go to the bathroom because I don't know what kind of crack whore my roommate will bring into the house and who knows what can happen in the few minutes I'm in the bathroom.  I don't want to go home.  I want to say here wrapped safely in my womb.  Drugs can't get to me here.  I've never alone because Fritzie's always here.  There's always food in the fridge, I'll never go hungry.  I'll never grow up if I stay here forever.  I have to go back to the real world and face the challenges of being an adult.  I'm scared.  I'm always afraid.  I don't want to go home.  I want to cry, but I can't unless I'm coming down off of drugs and I happen to find myself in church.  Yeah, I'm going to church.  The long time atheist has found the joys of God and Jesus.  It's scary to admit, but I'm alone and powerless without God.  God please, I don't want to go home.  I just want to stay here forever.  I have to go home.  I can't stay here forever.  I have to go home and face temptation and addiction and roommates and the constant, undying loneliness.  It's the right thing to do.  It's okay, I'll be fine.