So I just got threatened at work for the first time. A guy told me that he's going to rip out my F*cking heart.

What's funny is that I've always laughed at people talking about threats, and I laughed on the surface, but that kind of affected me. Am I so cold hearted that I can laugh at somebody dyeing without a refridgerator, but so sensitive that when someone makes an arbitrary threat like he did that I get a little shaken up? Am I truly incapable of feeling emotion towards other people? I'm sure that's not the case, but being affected like I was with that guy. Ugh, maybe it's just that I'm tired. I'm really, really tired today, I stayed up till three last night, not really doing anything, well laundry and I woke up at 9:30. Maybe I'm just tired today, and being tired I'm actually affected by these pathetic peeons that call other pathetic peeons for trouble with appliances and other useless items. Maybe I'm caring, or not caring, or maybe I'm just too tired to care.

My uncle has always said that there's two sides to him. One that he shows people, the slightly wild but "normal" person, and the rebel raging inside, mad at the world. I always thought I had the same thing. I realized today that even though I have the same situation going, I let my angry side out way too much. And there is a specific story behind that, though for one reason or another I'm reluctant to write about it. But here it is:

I was sitting at my desk talking religion etc. With the redneck girl next to me, and for some reason, Charles Manson was brought into the conversation. I told her, I think he should write a book, and then she was all, "I feel sorry for you." So I told her, I don't want your sympathy.

Why do people feel sorry for me, I don't give a fu*k what other people think. Well at least I pretend to and I desperately don't want to care. Why don't I just clam up and learn to hate like I used to.

In high school I had such an idealized version of the world, well not idealized but clear. I used to hate people until they gave me a reason not to, I would rather be hated than ignored. I knew what I wanted and to hell with the rest of the world. Now after high school and a few more experiences, I thought I was maturing by learning to trust people unless the gave me a reason not to, etc. Even liking people unless the gave me a reason not to. I've been seeking approval from the world that shunned me for so long, and I ask myself, WHY?!?

Why do I need approval now from a world that has shunned me. I have a little success in life and I want a pat on the head and somebody to say good job? I never got that growing up, I didn't get it anywhere else in life, why do I want it now. The answer is simple, I DON'T!

Somehow my glasses have been tinted rose by vacation and success. Now that optimism has been sufficiently ripped away from me, and I see the world as the bleak and bitter excuse for life that it is.

It's occurred to me that Disneyland is in the past, and dwelling on the past isn't healthy. It also occurred to me that I've been dwelling in the past too much lately. Recently my life has been about dwelling in the lessons of past failures. Maybe because I feel to comfortable in my life right now. But it's not comfort that I feel, yeah I'm secure in a job and an apartment, but something's gnawing away at my sub-conscience again. And maybe it's been there for a while now because I'm just now starting to become aware of it. But I don't like being content. It's really as simple as that, if I'm not striving for something or struggling then life gets boring. And of course the real issue that I'm trying to avoid due to the fact that this blog is know to too many people is . . . well I just can't say right now. I want to say, but I feel putting it into words will somehow jinx it. Let it be sufficient to say that I spent 4-5 hours cleaning my apartment working towards an elusive goal that so far seems close but just out of reach. Alas how did I put it once: "boundless failures of past lives besiege me as I rest." Well I'm sick of being attacked by past failures, tonight, we Drink! (well rather I drink, but you get the point)

Vacation Day 3, D-DAY!!!

• Woke up and smoked a cigarette, a smoking room without ashtrays?
• Still don't know what town this is, just a truck stop with a zip code I guess.
• Hmmm McDonald's.
• A stop for gas and Jerky.
• Purple penguins Penetrate Private People's Pianos.
• Wow, now I know what people mean when they say the Valley.
• What great views entering LA, kind of like going into or out of Yakima.
• Hollywood!
• The sign is WAY smaller than I thought it would be.
• Hollywood Blvd, it's cool, but yeah it's run down.
• Amazing, I saw Marilyn Monroe's cement thing at that theater.
• Yey Stuff!
• OMG Disneyland! yey, Yey, YEY!!!!!
• Hollywood tower of Terror, now that was fun, AHHHHH!!!!
• Soaring over California, a 45 minute wait for a three minute movie, yeah.
• Grizzly River Run, three times in a row!! We were all SOOOO soaked.
• Carly got the worst of it, so they're hiding in the Hotel. As for me, Fantasmic!!
• Fastasmic was basically a stoner's dream, all lights and fire on the water, purple teddy bears, yeah, still entirely worth the hour wait.
• Sharing a room with Sue and DJ, it could be worse, Sue's putting up with my messiness okay.

I keep meaning to write about my vacation, I wanted to do it in a more creative way, but it seems the further away I get from it, the harder it is to remember. So let me just make a list of things I did and places I went and what I felt about them etc. So it won't be the long rambling after the fact journal that I wanted, but here's something anyway.

Vacation day 2, d day minus 1

• Woke up at 4 am after going to bed after 1 am
• I can't believe I'm going to be spending countless hours in THAT seat
• Picked up Sue and DJ, We can't believe it's finally here!!
• Stopped in Roseburg, bought the new engergy drink that drinks like a soda
• Is it healthy to smoke three cigarettes in 15 minutes?
• Stopped again in Ashland, Sobe Engery Drinks aren't carbonated, lol
• Skipped Medford, and onto Weed.
• Weed is just a truck stop, but the views of Mt. Shasta are Amazing.
• Just outside of Weed and it's snowing in the middle of Spring!
• We're running SO behind schedule!
• Onto Redding and $0.20 tacos, Yum!
• Yey, we're stopping after Sacramento, my knees hurt so bad in this little seat.
• An hour after Sacramento and still no stop.
• Oh thank God, a rest stop.
• Three miles down the road, we see a town with a truck stop, ugh!
• Another rest stop, oooh look an Ice cream machine
• $2.00 for an ice cream bar, but it was SOOO cool with a tube with a vacume, it looked like a claw machine!
• On to In and Out, lol.
• In and out, it's SO crowded and the menu is simple.
• Good food, not impressed by the fries though.
• A stop at a Motel 6, yey I got a smoking room for under $40, what a steel.
• Yey Sopranos, damn tv is too dark to watch though.

As much as I would love to continue with that journal there are a few things that I need to say. One: what is up with that Iran situation? This Iran leader who doesn't believe in the holocaust and believes in the eradication of Israel is on the fast track to nuclear weapons. Though he claims the nuclear research is entirely for the purpose of power plants. Let me ask you this, why does Iran need nuclear power? They're sitting on more oil than the US could ever hope to have, why do they need any other source of power? And Bush being Bush is salivating over the chance to invade another middle eastern country. I read in a random article in wikipedia that one of the signs of the end of time is a super power invading three middle eastern countries under the pretense of peace. Something about this situation seems wrong, you know bush desperately wants to invade Iran, and Iran isn't doing anything to stop him. Are they co-operating in some conspiracy to bring about the end of times? Probably not, but am I the only one that has a REALLY bad feeling about this?

Vacation Day 1, D-day -2

Morning:
I woke up this morning almost packed, and then I realized I don't have to go to work for the next week and a half! I kind of sorta finished packing (well I'm almost done I promise!) And I actually did my dishes. So now it's 11:30 I'm sitting at my computer smoking something like my 8th cigarette of the day with all my windows open and the sun out, this is amazing! I don't have to work for over a week, no more pouty customers or whining bosses. No more "thank you for calling customer service" or "I apologize for the inconvenience". A week of sun and cuties, of fun and adventure. Hmm, all that talk of sun makes me think Arby's. I'll be back, but first a call to see when I'm leaving.

Later:
Can you believe it, I walked down stairs and up the road and it started to drizzle, so I thought "I'm an oregonian, I can handle a little rain," by the time I got to the end of the block and I'm thinking about a chicken core don bleu, and then it starts to down pore" So now I'm home a . . .
So I just got a phone call, g-ma says she'll be here at 3 or so to take me to Springfield. Now it's about 1:30, hopefully my pizza gets here before g-ma does. Yum BBQ chicken pizza! The good news is I'm already to go, this will be my last entry tonight, but I'll write from my lap top later.

So now is that time for a complete entry on my Vacation, what I'm going to do is not so much an essay, but a journal after the fact. So I'm going to relive every day and every thing done at Disneyland and on the way to and from. From where I went to what I ate and bought and any emotional reactions. The only trouble with emotions and feelings about other people is that my family reads this, so I have to be careful on what I say. Sorry for fans of raw emotion, my feelings will be diplomatic at best and mildly frustrated at worst. Alas, here is my journal after the fact:

Now there is a time and a place for a proper Disneyland review. Where all three of you that read this can experience all the emotional highs and lows of a family trip, something like 24 hrs. total in a car with maybe a cubic foot of space for my feet and my car stuff. No that will be for a later post, worked upon for hours and hours all for the enjoyment my three biggest fans.

No for now, I will focus on being back to work since that is where I now find myself. What follows is an angry and depressed rant mixed liberally with shots of fatigue. So here it is: So I came into work and I now that I'm here it's like sitting in a corner. It's like all the "cool" people got together when I was gone and decided they didn't like me any more. It's like this is goddamned survivor and I got voted off the island. Let's kick Jason in the B*LLS as soon as his back is turned. These people are just jellous of my amazing vacation!