Once again I come to you conflicted between who I am and who I should be. What I want to be and what I really . . . fuck it. I'm pissed. I mean how much fucking ass do you have to kiss in the Hell in order to get ahead? They recently asked me to change my attitude and I did. I've worked hard on bottling my emotions, harder then I ever thought I should and they still give the extra work to newbies? I'm fine to do their grunt work, but they would never asks me to teach a class. Well they have, but apparently I'm not good enough. Why are they asking newbies to teach classes instead of me? All these people are getting ahead in this Hell the call work when I'm sitting in the corner doing fucking grunt work. Sometimes I swear that if I have to say "Thank you for calling customer service," one more time I'm going to explode. They ask me to bottle my emotions and I'm doing that, I'm even seeing a FUCKING shrink so I can learn the root of my "problem."

So I was reading post secret again, and I found this postcard. This coupled with a strange revelation that I had yesterday, made me realize how diminished my capacity for affection is. Growing up as the illegitimate step-child to a man that hated me, always on the outside. I never felt that I deserved affection. This revelation came from a mostly suppressed memory, of last Christmas. I spent hundreds of dollars on Christmas presents for everybody, especially my parents, still desperate for their approval. And what do I get? They get me a copy of "4o Year Old Virgin". I ask you this, loyal readers, how fucked up is that? I spend days and days shopping for my family and find near perfect presents. And I get a copy of "40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN!!!!" Alas, for all the effort I put into shopping last year, nobody puts the slightest bit of effort into getting me something so perfect that I didn't know I wanted it, but now I can't live without it.

So I wake up today with a potentially good attitude, and I had some coffee which I rarely do. I talk myself up in the middle of an empty apartment, and I say today is going to be a good day, I talk up my job to myself, and I tell myself that I life is good, and I appreciate all that I have. I realize in my feigned joy that my attitude at work has sucked, and if I don't change it, I'm going to loose my job at the worst possible time. So I come to work to an e-mail complaining about my attitude. I get scared, really scared, are all my fears coming true, am I going to be fired? Probably not, but there's a good possibility. I hope that I can apologize and ask for one more chance. If not, I'll deal with it the best that I can. I'm sure it'll be okay. Here's a draft of an apology that I wrote:

What I'm about to say is pure excuse and you have no reason to care, I know that your concern is the company and only the company. I realize that my attitude is bad, t's been horrible, and disgraceful. All I can say is that I have a tendency to sabotage myself when I get bored or dissatisfied with my job. Today I woke up and I realized that I have a good job. This job is fun, I get to help people, and yeah people can be stupid, and so can reps but I'm not better than anybody and I forgot that for a long time.

Now I realize I have no business being a senior. I know it's hard work, and I've been lazy. I'm not ready for it. What I always fail to grasp in life, is that it's not enough to be good at something, you have to be a good person too. There's no excuse for how I've acted and I apologize.

I'm sure there will be more to that, but I think it sounds pretty sincere. If anybody reads this, a few words of encouragement would go a long way today.

I am afraid of boredom. I know I just posted a couple hours ago, but I am afraid of boredom. So I'm writing about boredom because I'm bored, and I don't want to talk about my real fears. Maybe I'll go home tonight and get drunk alone, but it's so lonely. Maybe when I think boredom, I'm really thinking lonely, because that's what I'm really afraid of is loneliness. I wake up every morning panicking at 8:40 for no good reason, I know this isn't normal but I don't do anything about it because I'm afraid to know how effed up I am. Ugh, I cannot stand boredom, I want to do something, anything this weekend. I know most people like relaxing weekends, but that's because they don't live alone. I live alone, alone, really, really alone. People care, but not really, I don't know anybody else that lives alone. I don't know anybody that's ever lived alone. It's just not right. How much of a social reject must I be that I'm living alone?

*sigh* Close your eyes and let the words flow, even if they don't make sense, just write for five minutes write just to see what comes out. Right now I'm facing a weekend alone, and I know I just wrote those words two weeks ago, but they're here again. I don't want to go to my uncles because they need a weekend away from me, I don't want to go to my grandparents because I'm going there Sunday. So I'm facing a whole day just staring at the TV with my thoughts wandering to all those fears that I keep locked up inside of me most of the time. I'd hang out with my friend that got fired, but he seems to be busy most nights, and I know tomorrow. What I'd really like to do is curly up with a 8 episode disc of fraiser and smoke the night away. Or go out drinking and get smashed :) But I know that's not going to happen, though I'm sure I could if I really tried. Fraiser is just so hard to come by, I know one source but it's a work source and I'm afraid to ask at work, I could go through my friend that got fired, he might have a source, but it's doubtful. So what began as a post about nothing to do, ends with a quest for fraiser. Alas, the cure for boredom, loneliness, etc. is hard to come by though not impossible if I do it right.

I always do this, I get my hopes up for something to change in life and it doesn't. So I was up late last night, and searching myspace for old high school friends, when I realized a couple of things. One, I didn't have many friends. And when I say many, I mean any. I didn't have any friends aside from the people that were trying to use me and loose me. Two, every single person that has a myspace account is doing better than me. In love, going to college, having kids, everyone of them is happy. When I look at myself, I see a lot of things, but I don't see happy. I see conflicted, lonely, empty, scared, and right now just depressed.

Now my depression comes partially from last nights tears in front of my computer, but there's

So we just got back from Reno last night, and it was fun. I'll have a better review of every casino, bar etc I went into, but right now I need to talk about my desire to quit smoking. I told myself a month ago that I was going to quit smoking after Reno. But now I'm on my first day and I'm staring at my cigarettes and wondering if this was a good idea or not, I'm ashamed that cigarettes have that much control over me. For the first time in my life I'm actually experiencing the addiction. Even typing in this blog I want to put a cigarette between my fingers, it's how I always type. Now I'm not even sure if I really want to quit, but I know that as soon as I light it I've failed. And I hate to fail, even though I do it all the time. I really want one, just look at those, do I quit or not? It's going to be bad, but they say don't even try if you're not completely sure about it. Right now I'm not sure about it, but I know I'll hate myself even worse if I light up.

Ha ha, I'm kind of excited. Well I'm really excited about the prospect of a great weekend, four days off of work, RENO!!!! But what I'm excited about now is I got a response from my favorite former talk radio host, Victor Boc. He's like an E list local celebrity, if you asked a hundred people in down town Portland if they knew the guy, maybe one would know him, but probably not.

But as the story goes, in 8th grade I was expelled from school because I expressed sympathy for some bad people, those bad people happened to be in the news at the time. So when I was expelled from school, I started exploring the AM dial not know what to expect. I had no idea, in 8th grade I was barely even getting into KDUK the local pop station, I thought all the radio was had was crappy pop music. So anyway I switch to the AM side, feeling depressed and down on myself etc. And I hear some guy on there talking about Bill Clinton. So I listen and there's actually discussion, and feedback etc. This is how I was introduced to talk radio. The guy was Victor Boc. So anyway, he moves to Portland from Eugene and switches radio stations. I switch stations too because that happened to be the station that the Blazers were on when they were doing good. But then 2 years ago, he just leaves. I checked his website weekly for a while, then monthly and then I just stop because there's never any updates.

But last night I was making an omelet at 2 AM, and on TV Michael Medved comes on. Michael Medved had the slot before Victor when I first started to listen to talk radio, and out of nowhere comes Boc's name from the bowels of nostalgia. So I look him up real quick and now he's no even a E-list local celebrity, but he's writing, and playing professional poker, lol. So I decide to leave a comment on the sight just to see if he plans anymore radio. And to my amazement, I check my e-mail today (well just 10 minutes ago when I started to write this) and there's a reply. He remembers me from when I used to e-mail him occasionally about topics on his show. I know this is nowhere near Kristin Dunst seeing me in a crowd of people and waving (just a dream, lol) But still somebody is some somebody knows me, and it almost validates my existence. Yeah I know that's sad, but if this blog wasn't sad, I would have the five fans that I do.