Awaken from a night of drinking with co-workers that saw many a thing go wrong. Personally, I don't think I did anything wrong. I was a little more social than usual, but I don't think I did anything horrendous. But I wake up and I'm still alone, and that is truly okay only because it has to be okay, it's one of those things that if they weren't okay, then they'd be unbearable. Really, still perpetually alone at 21, you'd think I'd give up, and I thought I did, and I think I will again. At some point I have to realize that the risk is no longer worth the reward. How many times do I have to be rejected, it's as if God himself hates me and wishes me to suffer.
And by the way, this thing with Cassie was just hugely disapointing, she had a fucking boyfriend. How fucked up is that? She didn't mention that to me, and by the time I learned that I was already obligated to stay overnight. So guess what I got to do? I got to sleep on the couch while Cassie and her boyfriend slept across that room (I thought they had a bedroom.) So I woke up before anybody and walked my way out of her life. It was great knowing her, and maybe I didn't take the opportunities that presented themselves, but I cannot know her without knowing her, so yeah it was a great run. But that's okay (again one of those things.)
The lonely rantings of a former looser trying to make it through life the best he can. Am I crazy? Maybe a little? Am I bad? I really don't think so. Maybe I'm just me and really that's all that people should expect.
April 15, 2007
April 11, 2007
So another trip to Eugene and I realize that I'm not 19 any more. Maybe I was never 19, that year was sacrificed to Job Corps in search of maturity and acceptance. The point being, I don't have to be wild and drink 'till I puke every night, I don't have to go on wild adventures across unfamiliar terrain in search of herbal sustenance. So maybe I never had the wild years of partying that most people enjoy between 18 and 21 when everything is new. You're not quite an adult, but you can do whatever you want. But I don't think I'm going to mourn for something I've never had, I like feeling like I'm 30 even though I'm only 21. I love being an adult, with bills to pay, taxes, a job, health insurance. I even love the responsibility of being a Senior Rep. in my personal corner of Hell. So goodbye to those years that were never really mine, good bye to parties and mindless wandering. I'd love to say I'll miss you, but you were never really mine.
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