Another holiday alone. So Halloween is here and I get to spend it alone again. It's not that Halloween is a huge holiday, but it sucks to be sitting in an empty house with nothing to do except for stare at a lonely computer and hearing phantom rings on my phone. It's funny, I'll be in the other room and I can seriously hear my phone ringing, but when I get there I have no missed calls and I'm still destined to face another holiday alone. Alas, I guess it can only get better. So that's all there's to say about it. Another holiday alone as I try to find new ways to occupy the time between I get off work and when I have to go back. I hope everyone else had a great holiday.

A dream that I had right before I woke up, it rambles, but I die at the end so you might want to read it.

A dream

It starts out in a bar with a bunch of people, I'm start talking to this girl and she leaves withotu giving me her number, not too weird. The next scene I walk into an porta potty (a portable toilet) and while I'm standing there some kid tips it over and roles it around. The next couple of minutes are spent catching this kid and shoving him in an even smaller portable toilet, and rolling him around. The next scene, I'm sitting around with some people from work, asking about that girl that left and one of them gets a text from that girl I was flirting with saying she wants to hang out with me. So next thing I know, I'm sitting on my couch w/ this girl, but for some reason it's in the middle of a parking lot of some hotel or low income apartments. Again we're hitting it off, at this point the girl doesn't look, but feels like the girl from donnie darko. She's cute, but quiet and responsive, anyways, in the middle of almost making out with her, the same people that tipped over the portable toilet come back (at this point they look like the drug dealer kids from the wire) but they chase us and it's like a summer resort from the 60's mixed with my old high school, weird. And the cool part is, I can run the entire time without loosing breath. The girl that I was with does get ahead, but every time I turn a corner, she's still there with me. Anyways, we start running down a dock, and interestingly enough there are cars floating on the water in parking spots, but they're actually on the water. So we get to the end of the dock and Morgan Freeman (who for some reason was running with us) jumps off the dock and swims for some island, at this point I look back and that girl I was hitting it off with in the bar so long ago has now changed to Ginny Weasly, but is still the same girl. But I jump in among these floating cars and then I can't get my head above water, it's like the surface is too far away. I get my head above once and I'm trying to yell, the only person that hears me is that girl and she says something like "wait there he is" with hope in her voice, but then Morgan Freeman says something like "If only he were a better person, we might have rescued him"

That's when I sink below the water and the next thing I know, I wake up and I really do have to go to the bathroom, but I'm alive thank god.

So there it is, I might try to analyze it later, but for now at least it's down.

Jamie,



Of course I'm afraid of death, because I fear that things might not get better in the end. Yeah life sucks, and at points in life I have seriously considered suicide, but I'm more afraid to die than I am to live.


Also, you might be right. I don't need a codependent girlfriend and I

Dear first and future girlfriend,

Here is a letter that I wrote in the middle of a haze, under the influence of a very deep movie, it rambles a bit, but it's from the heart so don't be too harsh.

I don't know who you are, but when I meet you I'll probably say something stupid. I'll probably act scared to death and I'll never look you in the eyes, don't take it as it insult, it's how I am. At first I'll try to impress you using all those endless dating techniques written about on the Internet, please ignore this. Just assure me that you like me for who I am, not for cheap pickup lines that are never quite explained in all those dating techniques. When I finally accept that you like me for who I am, don't get scared of what you see. Accept my insecurities, let me know that none of them matter because you love me. If I get too clingy, tell me, I've never had a relationship, I don't know what to do. If I'm not clingy enough, push my boundaries, let me know that it's okay to show affection. If I sometimes jump at your touch, don't be alarmed, it'll take me a while to get used to all of this. And above all, remember that I'm new to this and that I would never do any thing to hurt you, so if I do something stupid, I promise it wasn't on purpose.

So there it is my first and future girlfriend. This is what you've gotten yourself into. If you can't handle it or if I'm just not worth it, leave now. I'm used to rejection, just don't make me think that there's something here when there isn't, I'll never hope again if you do.

For lack of an elegant sign off,

Jason

UPDATE: I think I'm going to put a slightly edited version of this on craigs list just to see what happens.

I just saw Donnie Darko for the first time, and wow, what a disturbing and thought provoking movie. It's like, in order for him to die in the present, he hand to live a few more weeks so he could very indirectly cause his death. It's really hard to explain. But my reaction, without trying to explain it. I'm actually too stoned to write a good response, but it's scary. It's all about death and that's something that I try to avoid thinking about at all costs. In fact, in an effort not to let that little seed of panic into my mind an hour before bed, I'm going to talk about something else. As far as that blind date goes, it never happened. Even after I talked myself into going it fell through. Wow, it takes a real looser to get stood up on a blind date. And I know I wasn't stood up, but it still feels like getting rejected before the fact. Of course that's what I do to every girl that I meet. They're either, too good looking, too ugly, or just within the looks range that is willing to lower their standards to go out with me. I know that's a skewed logic, and putting into writing helped me realize just how skewed it is. Maybe I missed out on a lot of girls just because I thought they were out of my league. Who knows, maybe there is the one girl out there that will accept me for who I am, no despite, but because of my flaws. The one that will think my shyness is cute, my quirks are charming. I still hope she's out there somewhere. I know I won't judge on looks anymore, but I might have already passed up the one. Donnie Darko finds his one before he dies, as disturbed as he was, he found someone to love him for it. Plus Donnie Darko has one of those damsel in distress relationship. He save her from bullies and she looks to him for protection, they eventually grow to love each other from it. I don't know why, but there is something really appealing about a girl that is afraid and comes to me for comfort. It's like I have to be brave for her even if I don't feel it. When I'm alone the fear is allowed to take hold. What I'm trying to say is: I'm brave if somebody needs me to be brave. Maybe the damsel in distress (DID) appeals to me, because . . . I don't know why the DID appeals to me so much. It's like I want to make the pain go away, I want to save you from the pain that I can't save myself from. And that's it, I'll be brave for you and I'll make your pain go away, so maybe I can forget about my own. And who is this "you" that I'm referring to? I don't know, the girl of my dreams maybe, my co inhibitor for my most out there ideas. What I just spit out was a letter to my first and future girlfriend, that will be in my next post. I hope somebody reads it, just so I know I'm not as crazy as I fear I am.

So I just got set up on a blind double date with my roommate and his girlfriend. The girl that she set up with is way, way out of my league. At least as far as looks go. Plus this girl knows nothing about me, so she'll be expecting some good looking guy and instead she'll get me: the ultra nervous and awkward three-hundred pound hairy guy with thick glasses and bad teeth. Throw in the fact that I'm a staunch liberal and a smoker and she'll run away at first sight. I know this is irrational, but at some point between elementary school and job corps I started to ignore the girls that I felt were out of my league. If a girl is too good looking, or too smart, or too refined, I just don't pay any attention to them. I know it's all about my deep seeded insecurities, and I'm sure this is the reason I still haven't found anybody to date. I don't know what else to say about this. I guess what makes me the most wearie is my roommate's girlfriend's intentions. I know it's all a ploy to get him to take her on a date, but why should I get involved. On the other hand, what's the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen, every bad date from every bad movie that I've ever seen. From the Judd Law character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, to most of the characters in American Pie. Ugh, I watch too many movies, and I have to be at work in 7 hours, so I bid you good night.

Here's a craigslist personal ad that I posted tonight, what do you think?

Something interesting should go here too, but not tonight. Tonight I make an appeal to all those women looking for a decent guy. That's about all I have to offer, I'm 22 and I have my own car, my own apartment and a decent job. I'm into reading, sports and yes, I'll admit it: video games. I'm looking for a girl, 18-25, has similar interests and is willing to take it slow. Let's start with coffee and see where it goes. So if you're interested, send me an e-mail, your pic gets mine.

So I went on a first date tonight with some girl I met online. And the girl just wants to be friends. It's not that I was that into her, but it still sucks to be rejected. I know I've said this before, but I'm so sick of being alone. I did all the right things with this girl, but I'm sure I made some sort of mistake somewhere. Maybe it's just my destiny to die alone. Maybe it's not, I don't know. It seems like the last girl that I was really attracted to was Gina from Job Corps, but she wasn't interested in me because I was too interested in her. At that point I made up my mind not to seem too interested in any girl, but maybe in my quest not to seem too interested I don't seem interested enough. Ugh, why is this bothering me so much? Why does one rejection from a girl that I wasn't that interested in hurt so bad? It really does hurt, I'm just so damned sick of being alone. Again, I know this is familiar ground, but it shouldn't hurt this much. I want to let this role off my back and I'm sure by the end of tomorrow it won't matter, but for now it hurts. Just the hope that this girl might like me made my roommate's girl friend a little more tolerable. Now seeing them together feels like the universe is rubbing love in my face. All I want is for somebody to be attracted to me. I know I'm not that attractive, but I thought that if I just lowered my standards far enough I would find somebody that was willing to lower their standards. *sigh* I guess that isn't the case. Or who knows, maybe there really is somebody out there for me, I just have to quit looking. Yeah, right. If I stop looking then I'll never find anybody. Fuck it all, at least for tonight. If somebody reads this and wants to offer some words of comfort, I'd really appreciate it.

So this girl Melody is sent me a myspace message, but I haven't read it yet, I'm too nervous. Now there's a girl that I have history with. The mistakes that I made going after that girl may the direct cause of my perpetual purity. Worst of all, that girl played me so bad, she took every bit of pride that I had. She knew that I was head-over-heals for her and she took advantage of it.

The past two nights I've had the same dream. I'm playing Halo 3, only I am actually in the game. But as I'm wandering through the hallways, I'm looking for my girlfriend. And keep in mind, I'm 22 and still have not had a girlfriend. It's weird, the girlfriend when I do find her is a tall classically beautiful blond, but not somebody I know. Just a quick blurb before work.