God help me please. I'm in a hostile environment with no allies. I can't get away. There's no escape. I have to tolerate it. I promise I won't be here again. I'm done with my family. I'm done with it all. A Step Towards Oblivion, let's talk about a step towards oblivion. It's been a long time since I've been this close to suicide. I really just want it to end. Yeah, I could pull myself out of this, but I don't want to put in the effort. God help me please. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I just don't want to live. I really don't want to live. There's nobody on my side anymore. That's okay. This won't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Tonight, I compose my final goodbye and if it still seems like there's no escape, no alternative. If tomorrow isn't any better, then fuck it. Let's end it. I don't want it. I don't want to live. I don't want to breathe. I just want to end it. It has to end somewhere. I'm never going to get happily ever after. There's no such thing. How long have people been telling me that. I don't deserve a family. Why would I want to pass on my wisdom to the next generation. There's nothing to pass on except for cynicism and pain. Nobody likes me, nobody loves me. Those who think they love me, don't know the real me. That's okay, on Wednesday, I can take my car to a secluded spot, hopefully somewhere with a view of the sunset, tape a hose to my exhaust, put the other end through my window, then tape up the window. Turn on the car and bam, a few minutes, a few hours later, and goodbye. It's that simple. The question is, who would stop me? Sometimes I wish I was crazy enough to be put in an institution. I know if I actually tried this (and I so want to) I would get put away. Hopefully I end it. I fall asleep and never wake up, and fuck the world.

Does nobody appreciate my issue with life? Does nobody grasp how life altering a single night can be? I know it's common, Charlie Sheen tells me one night stands are the norm, but you would think my friends would have something nice to say to make me feel all better . . . but now, I'm ignored, I cry alone . . . and I'm mocked even by those who are supposed to care. Whatever, in the end, like always, I sleep alone. I am alone. Forever.

I have come to the conclusion that you should never have sex without a relationship, nor the other way around. It was a fun night, it was passionate. But 2 days later, I'm left thinking that I want that passion again. I don't really care if we'd actually get along outside of intoxication . . . so maybe what I'm looking for is a fuck buddy? Imagine Z with sex but no relationship, and still keeping the most amazing friendship I've ever had. Of course, I'm about to loose that friendship. I miss her too much. I'm jealous of her boyfriend because he's taking all her time. She doesn't come to me at all for anything. When I try to go to her she's just not there like I want her to be. Same with S. She's got a new boyfriend too *rolls eyes*. Of course this one is just another douche that's being used for something or another. She needs to get laid and he has a car. Obviously I don't think that much of S. Oh and M, M, M. What can I say about M. Just that she's out of my life. She was fun while it lasted, I loved her in my own way. But how can you not but love your first? And now she's gone. For what it's worth (cause I know you still read this M) I shed my own tear or two over her. She'll say it's my fault, but she's the only female that I can stand up to. She hurt me first, I hurt her back. Since she drew first blood, she can apologize first, then I will, and it will go back to being better than ever. If nothing else, at least she learned not to hurt me like that, because I will hurt back and I will hurt worse. And to the random reader: this is nothing physical. This is merely two ex-lovers squabbling until they both realize that they're each other's only path to Happily Ever After. So there it is world: My First One Night Stand All my friends have boyfriends and I miss them And M. Ex-lovers, future Happily Ever After. Oh and of course, I'm still unemployed, but I'm getting a car soon. Throw in some novels (Memoirs of a Geisha was worth reading, so was The Poisonwood Bible) and you have my life as of Early April, 2011. I wonder what next year will bring.