I feel that I need to write right now . . . and then again, maybe I don't.

Blah, what to do tomorrow. Once all the money is spent and all is said and done, what do I do? Why does every pay day have to be a party? And it can't not be, I owe too many people and I might as well get some fun out of it. But I can see what will happen, at 3 or 4 this morning, all will be said and done and I will be sitting in the living room playing solitair worried that these people who have already spent most of the past 48 hours around me are getting sick of me. In fact, I'm already worried that people are getting sick of me. So it's time to find something to do. I know that around 9 tonight, hopefully I will get to babysit. At least it will give me an excuse to get out of the house. I stuck around all day in the hope that I would be able to sell a car and make a few bucks. Now with the prospect of money flooding my system in about 9 hours, I'm already bored. But let's look at this rationally. What will I do tomorrow? I can do anything tomorrow, what will I do? What do I want to do? The first thing is obvious, then maybe have a few beers, then go play some video poker when the sun rises. Routine, right? Then I'll be faced with the day and what shal I do? Find somebody to hang out with. I'm sure Tawnia will be around and we can go find some adventure. So there, that's what I'll do. I'll find Tawnia and we'll go find some adventure. And if I'm left alone, I'll go find my own adventure. See, nothing to really worry about there. Except what to do with the next 9 hours. I could and probably should take a nap. I know I'm gonna try to do that around dark. So there's one piece of the puzzle. I'm going to take a nap around 10 or 11. At least until 2:00 or so. So that leaves me around 5 hours to kill. What will I do with my time? Probably attempt to find some money to burn, literally. I really want a beer right now, and some stuff. And I know of maybe one more source that I can tap for $20 or so. And I just can't bring myself to do it. No matter how much I want it, I can't do it. So for now, I wander.

I'm feeling vulnerable and lonely right now like I want somebody to make me feel better. I know it's the chemicals leaving my body. I have to be careful not to be unnaturally needy and push away my friends that may normally have cared.

Ah, a blank page. An invitation to spill my soul yet again to the universe. Right now, for the first time in a while I come here not to lament about my family, but to talk about my 'best friend'. I've only known a little more than a year now. Like most of my female friends, she started as a crush. Then I told her about it and she said we could be really good friends, but nothing more. I'm sure I've written this story before.

So last night after a period of staleness in our friendship caused by something that was neither of our faults, I went over there and babysat for her. Nothing new or exciting about that. But she was only gone for an hour or so and I stuck around to finish the movie I started. "Hitch" if you're curious. But she came back from the bar, where she went to see her new interest. And she comes back and tells me how wonderful this new guy is, etc. She says she can spend a night with him just kissing and how she just loves to be around him. Great, I'm happy for her, etc. Or so I tell her, and we both almost believe it. We both know that it breaks my heart every time she talks about the new guy.

Maybe she doesn't know quite how hard it is for me every time she goes from miserably single to happily un-single. Maybe she doesn't know quite how much I long for that one kiss that will tell us if we're meant to be. Maybe she doesn't want to know. Or maybe she does know and it breaks her heart a little bit every time she has to be my friend instead of my lover. Not that I would want it most of the time. Most of the time, I'm happy to be her best friend. Most of the time I'm happy that I have that much more love in my life just because she's in it. Most of the time I'm happy to be the constant male figure in her kids life when so many come and go.

Except last night, I wasn't. And I'm sure tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day I'll be happy to be Happily-Ever-After-Sans-Sex. Last night I wasn't. Not the sex part. I may be turning into that asexual person that I wanted to avoid. I saw her in her bra yesterday and I almost didn't flinch. I almost didn't notice her low cut shirt and dancer's body. I almost didn't long.

But I did, and my veil of self delusion was parted for a while. And I faked it. I faked being happy for the fact that she may have found another guy of her dreams. And we both almost believed it.

But I have a confession. The reason I wasn't happy for her isn't because I want anything than the beautiful friendship that we have (well except for the kiss). The reason I wasn't happy or her is because I can't stand to see her hurt again. Every time she breaks up with a guy (and there's been five or six since I've known her) she cries, and angels shouldn't cry. I know she isn't perfect, nobody is. I know she's bitchy and needy and just too blunt sometimes, but she's good. She's a rare example of pure good in this world. She's never selfish, except maybe in holding onto our friendship when it sometimes it's obvious to both of us that it isn't good anymore.

But she's the best friend I've ever had (and I know I don't fill that same role with her, but that's okay too). There's nothing that makes me happier than a good morning text from her, which she's done every morning for the past year practically. Sometimes it wakes up from a hung over stooper, but there's no one I'd rather wake up to.

Funny, that last paragraph was supposed to be the reasons why we can only be friends. The only reason we can't be friends: I don't want to get hurt, she doesn't want to hurt me, I don't want to hurt her, she doesn't want to be hurt.

Or maybe it's more simple than that. Maybe it comes down to her being the hottie with the dancer's body and the smile that has captured many a man's soul, and I'm the fat kid with the big heart that learns to be the best friend so he isn't alone, but will never be good enough for Happily Ever After.

So much for "Hitch". I guess the fat boy only gets the girl in movies. Maybe I should stop living in fairy tails.

I killed the family tonight. This family has been dieing for a long time, but today I killed it for good. Family has always been such a huge part of my life, one of the primary virtues that I look at in myself that makes me, me. And I killed it. I don't know what came over me, but I was having a great day with my family. Parade, BBQ, birthday party, all so much fun. And then because my uncle made comments about me that struck too close to home and because my grandmother defended me, I lashed out at him. When it was all done, I went outside, screamed "What did you do to turn your son into a Chi-Mo?" And the fight was on. He got into my face, looked like he was gonna hit me. His wife got into my face. My little sister started crying I asked her "why the fuck are you crying?" My step-dad got into it, even though I tried today to kiss his ass. I tried today to kiss everyone's ass. I kept it in all day long, and it wasn't good enough. I don't know where it came from, I don't know how to fix it. It was all going so good, until I was sitting at the computer and something possessed me to go out there and start the fight that ended the family. I have no idea where it came from. And now, the family is dead and it's my fault. There will be no more BBQ's, no more birthday parties, no more anything. I told my uncle that I hope he fucking dies when he goes into back surgery later this month. What if he does? What if he goes into that surgery and he dies and we haven't made up? What if I never talk to my sisters again? You know, he said, "Why don't you do us all a favor and go kill yourself." What if I do? Then I win. That's all it would take to win this. Yeah, it'd be selfish and it would hurt my little sister forever, but maybe it will turn her into a better person in the long run. I know me being in her life as I am, isn't making it any better. I know me being part of this family right now, isn't making the family any better.

At what point in life do stop waiting to live and start waiting to die? At this point, I'm just waiting for it to all end. In the mean time, I'll take what pleasure I can get out of life.