So I didn't win the lottery.  I should have.  Then I could have gone into pre-hab and came out a changed man with $300 million to play with.  Otherwise, I might have gone to Vegas and played blackjack for a million dollars a hand.  After of course I gave 1% to my Facebook friends, 10% to my family and enough for a first class library to my old Job Corps.  Then I just might have to emigrate from America and find a happier place to live.  Blah.

Anyone out there?

Does anybody actually read this anymore? I know I said this blog was dead a couple of months ago, but I'm still here.  I think I'm going to do a little snap shot of my life on March 22, 2012.  As of right now, I'm living off of the last of my unemployment, staying in Lebanon with my parents, allegedly to help them out, but sometime it seems that they're helping me more than I've ever helped them.  I was fired form Assurant about a year and a half ago and I'm still reeling from it.  It was the loss of my identity and so far the only things I've found to replace it are horrible, crippling addictions: food, gambling, etc. I still hope that Happily Ever After is out there, but lately I'm convinced that I will probably die alone and probably young.  It snowed, a lot the night before last, and on the 2nd day of Spring, can you believe it?  So that's about it.  I'm still hoping that the next step in life will reveal itself at the last moment, but I should really make some decisive move either way.  So that's where I am.  Lonely, mostly broke, over 350 lbs now, not a very good outlook, but who know, right?

Blah, bad mood today.  What else is new?  I woke up in such a great mood, but leave it to Them to kill it.  On a happier note, I found a picture of He Who Got Me Fired in an Assurant Yearbook, and I can't tell you the pleasure I got burning a hold in his face with a cigarette.  It was so much fun.  It was as if all of my anger of the past months when through that cigarette into his face.  I hope there is something to VooDoo dolls, maybe somewhere he erupted into blisters all over his smug face.  Yeah, a little evil, but who isn't, right?

Last night, I dreamed of a dead relative.  I saw her in a lucid dream and she came up to me and gave me a big hug.  I cried into her arms and said I missed her so much.  We talked for a while, a long while, right now all I remember is her saying the thing that I want most is coming soon.  I asked, how soon?  She said less than a year.  I told her that her daughter's having a really hard time with her death, and she said she's going to be okay.  What's sad is that even during the dream, I felt annoyed.  The same feeling of hating the world stayed with me through the whole dream.  I wonder if I should say anything to anyone?  I haven't told anyone yet, and when I woke up, I almost posted on her Facebook wall (which is still up and going) but something told me not to.  I just wanted to get this down before I forget about the entire thing.  The thing is, I don't know what that good thing that I've been waiting for is.  My thought during the dream was my Happily Ever After, that's what I've always wanted, but maybe it's true sobriety, independence, my dream job?  Why was I still angry during the dream?  Thinking back on the dream when I woke up, I realized that her lips didn't move the entire time.  It was basically her Facebook picture bouncing up and down like a bad animation.  Her hug, felt just like I remember it, and it was definitely her voice, but I know better than most that my mind can recreate the voices of my loved ones saying things they've never said.  Was it real?  Did it mean anything?