The good thing about being unemployed is that I'm not constantly obsessed with Happily Ever After. Now that I have absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex, it's almost easier to accept that I'm going to be alone at least for the time being.

Finally I get here and I can spill my guts. So a lot has happened in the past week. A lot that I don't want to go into. If you know me well enough then you already know what happened, if you don't know and you care enough, e-mail me to ask me: jwfeller@gmail.com. Right now I want to talk about how sick I am of these fronts. I lost my job, I ended up in jail, and I may be loosing my apartment all within one week. I'm now almost broke, and even though I have all these elaborate plans and contingency plans and back up plans for the contingency plans, I'm scared. That is what I cannot tell anyone, because if they know how damned scared I am, they wouldn't be able to do anything and they would just tell me with a superior grin on their faced that they told me so. I don't want to be lectured about what I should have done, I don't want to be reminded that this shouldn't have blind sided me like it did, I know that I should have seen this all coming and honestly I kind of did. But I Am Scared. Period. There is so much of life that is now completely out of my control. Even though I have plan after plan after plan, they all end with me being in shelters. What if I can't find work? What if I don't get unemployment? What if I am evicted? How can I not but dwell on all of those all the time? I don't usually, but that's only because I keep myself occupied. I'm just scared because there's only so much I can do and even if I do all that I can, I'm still at the whim of the universe. Is any of this story unique? Of course not. But it's the first time I've been through all of this. I'm so ready for bed, maybe this will all make more sense tomorrow. Doubt it.

The reason it hurt so bad when Jenn said that she was uncomfortable around me is because the reason she said she liked me is because she felt safe around me. Not a long thought, but I was watching Greek and that popped into my head after tears popped out of my eyes, ha ha.

Oh faithful readers! It's been over a week since I've been kissed, and there was more, but it's the kisses that I miss. Call be girly, call me gay, call me what you will, but there's nothing like holding a girl in your arms and knowing that you're making life just a little happier for them. And yeah I should be happy when I do that for anyone, but the physical contact is what I crave. And maybe I crave it more than I should. I just really want to make somebody else's life a little better for just a moment because they are with me. And over the past couple weeks I've forgotten that. It's been all about me, all about what I want, and what I need. I've been selfish. What I need to remember over the next couple of days or weeks, no matter who I'm with or who I'm talking to, whether it be a customer or a friend or a lover, my mission in life is to make their life just a little bit better because they are with me. When I loose that mission, that's when I get selfish and push people away.

Once again blog, you have made things clear in a way that real life can never make it. I just hope I can remember this one. Goodnight world and thank you!

Jamie! I miss you sooo much, here's my new blog everyone: oblivionschild.tumblr.com . . . that's where some of my super secret non-work-appropriate posts are. And the slightly obsessive, mildly crazy stuff is too.

Anyways, my Kiwi-Angel, I just saw New Zealand on the news and I thought of you, hope you were okay. And randomly the change machine at work spit out a New Zealand quarter so another reason to think of you. Anyways, wish we had a chance to talk again, I know that some day I'll make it to New Zealand which recently made it to my list of places to see before I die, and then we'll sit back and you can show me the local culture. . . and you are so not chunky, you're the picture of beauty and very possibly the girl of my dreams . . .

Which leads me on another tangent. There is a girl that I don't know that keeps on showing up in my dreams and has been for years. At first, she was just the perfect kiss. In my dreams, she would be the one that kissed me and showed me that the spark does exist somewhere in life. I woke up with a sense of hope whenever I dreamed of her. I never realized that it was always the same girl. She's shorter than me maybe 5'3 or 5'4 with straight, shoulder length dark, dark brown hair and cream skin. She has smallish tits, and she's always dressed kinda conservatively or at least not slutty.

The other night, I dreamt that I was talking to a bum outside my work and he wasn't being very cooperative, and I was just trying to have a conversation with him. And she was just back maybe 10 yards watching. Just standing there making sure I was okay. So I'm thinking she's some sort of spirit guide or something, any ideas?

So I know this totally conflicts with what I said earlier but I think I have a chance to fuck a girl that broke my heart in high school . . . I was in love with her, she used me. . . now she's a single mom with a guy that doesn't put out enough . . . does this make me an asshole, yeah. Yeah I have feelings for the new girl, but she won't date me, and this does not affect that. This would put the 3rd notch in my belt and help me decide for sure whether or not I can handle a one night stand. . . of course it would make a cute love story . . . blah, I'm gonna go with it and see what I can pull off. Worst she can do is reject me again and I'm finally over that one after 6 years, lol

So yeah it's been a couple weeks and I confess I have a new secret blog for my private thoughts. These thoughts, not so private. First, I turned 25 in a blaze of glory and defeat. I have new friends and despite with those new and old friends say, I'm going against their advice and falling for someone that I probably shouldn't fall for. She's cute, she's smart, she needs me. Every other guy in her life, has used her for sex and then dumped her. She's had her heart broken. She says, I'm not her type, but I know I make her feel better. So if I'm not her type, I don't really care if she doesn't date me at the moment. For now I get a friend. And you guys know me, I don't do casual friends very well. For me, it's all of me or none of me and if you don't want all of me, break my heart early so it doesn't hurt as bad. And yeah, this may hurt in the end, but I don't care. I just want to make her feel better. Is she special? Honestly, I haven't really decided that yet, I don't know. Is she someone worth finding that out for? Defiantly. Here's to hope and heart break.

I love you readers. I don't know who you are, but you've read me through 5 years of my life. Through the ups and downs and ins and outs, you've been there for me. And even if I can count you all on one hand, then it's worth it. Because just like friends and lovers, if I can't have all of you, if you don't want all of me, then go away. I don't do casual.

Will this all be different if she's not as responsive tomorrow as she was today? Is the high that I'm feeling from today just her responding positivly to me for a change, or am I truly looking at life differently? We'll find out tomorrow, I have work to do tomorrow and I'll pay as little or as much attention to her as I want to and see how much fun we have. Of course she just admitted to Facebook stalking me, so, so much fun :)

In it for the game?

So yeah a lot’s happened in the past few day and I don’t really want to get into it because as emotional as it should have been, it really wasn’t. Well it was at the time, but at the moment it isn’t.

What I’m going to talk about is S, I’m playing a game with her. We’re flirting back and forth, she kinda likes me, I kinda like her and we’ll see where it goes. For now, it’s just a game and it’s fun right? I know that there’s a chance that I’m going to get hurt from the whole thing, but for now it’s fun and I know I can deal with it when the time to get hurt comes. I’ve dealt with it before and I’ll deal with it again I’m sure. For now, I’m not getting that attached, well I kinda am, but not as attached as I’ve been in the past, and who knows …

I really want to read this one later because when I get hurt or when I find my Happily Ever After, this is an emotional snap shot.

Me asking her out everyday is just me trying to establish myself outside of the friend zone, when I'm probably already there and even if I'm not, I still have a really sweet friend and I didn't know this yesterday or the day before, but at this moment I realize that's more than enough in life. I may not realize this tomorrow or the next day but at this moment, I am zen.