In high school, I lowered my expectations in life. I went from the naive hope of becoming a famous journalist with a Fraiser like apartment only in New York, to wanting nothing more than an apartment, a six pack and a game. Now I have the apartment, and my dream of a six pack and a game can be realized on any given weekend. Shouldn't I be happy that I achieved my dream?
How can I be, when I realize that if I achieved my watered down dream that I could have had that apartment in New York and the dream job of traveling the world in search of a story. I still love to write, but that's past me now. Why do I feel washed up at 20? Why have I lost hope when most people are at their most ambitous? Why am I waiting to die when everybody else my age is just starting out? Maybe it's because I see people my age already married and happy with kids. Even though I swore I would never have kids this early, I always thought I'd at least have a relationship or two by now. Instead I can count the number of girls I've kissed barely two hands, and the girls I've kissed in the past year on none.
I've had dreams lately of my family and I, that is my uncles family not my own, in a mall. There are variations, in one we're in a disney store circa 1978, in another we're in a shopping mall, but for some reason I think it's a tour of Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Now why would I have dreams of a shopping mall? I've looked in the dream dictionaries online and none of them mention shopping malls, or time travel (as the case of 1978.) Am I just weird, or is all of this connected? Goals achieved and constantly living in the past. Well that's why I had the dream about Disney store in 1978, it's because even on a concience level I realized that I was dwelling a lot in the past, and Disneyland is one of the things I was dwelling on, but not the major thing. And Hogwarts obviously because I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series. But I still don't understand why I'm dreaming of shopping malls and my uncle's family. Well I guess I won't figure that one out tonight, but I'll keep this window open in case I think of anything interesting.
May 20, 2006
May 11, 2006
May 08, 2006
Life in the pursuit of distraction, I'm bored with distraction. I live in a fantasy world occupied by video game pursuits of Superbowl championships, and the lives of young wizards. Of fighting evil and winning the game. I'm sick of fantasy, life isn't distraction in the endless pursuit of an end to undieing loneliness. There is nothing beyond the loneliness that I feel constricting every inch of my darkened soul. Soon there will be nothing left, and I'll still be alone. That's what it all comes down to: Nobody wants to die alone. I don't want to die alone, do you? Of course you don't, but you don't have to worry about that, it seems everyone out there has someone. It used to be easy to make myself feel better by saying: "there's somebody out there for everyone." When I was 15 or 16 that made me feel better, when I'm 20 it seems like there truly is no hope for me, and giving up seems easier and easier. But even giving up takes effort, planning etc. But I'll give myself until Dec. 31st, 2006 to find somebody or anybody. I seem to remember drinking in my new year this year making my final resolution to never spend another new year alone again. Well I'll give myself that deadline, beyond that, it's not up to me anymore. So I close my eyes one more time and pray to nothing that this will end. But for some reason, optimism seems futile, and futility the norm. This isn't great writing, but it's true to me, so who cares.
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