Life in the pursuit of distraction, I'm bored with distraction. I live in a fantasy world occupied by video game pursuits of Superbowl championships, and the lives of young wizards. Of fighting evil and winning the game. I'm sick of fantasy, life isn't distraction in the endless pursuit of an end to undieing loneliness. There is nothing beyond the loneliness that I feel constricting every inch of my darkened soul. Soon there will be nothing left, and I'll still be alone. That's what it all comes down to: Nobody wants to die alone. I don't want to die alone, do you? Of course you don't, but you don't have to worry about that, it seems everyone out there has someone. It used to be easy to make myself feel better by saying: "there's somebody out there for everyone." When I was 15 or 16 that made me feel better, when I'm 20 it seems like there truly is no hope for me, and giving up seems easier and easier. But even giving up takes effort, planning etc. But I'll give myself until Dec. 31st, 2006 to find somebody or anybody. I seem to remember drinking in my new year this year making my final resolution to never spend another new year alone again. Well I'll give myself that deadline, beyond that, it's not up to me anymore. So I close my eyes one more time and pray to nothing that this will end. But for some reason, optimism seems futile, and futility the norm. This isn't great writing, but it's true to me, so who cares.