So it's been a long time since I've posted in this, and an ever longer time since I've written anything of value. But my uncle seems to have said it right, this has gotten boring since I've given my secret away, today I say "fuck it" consequences be damned and this is what I feel:

I've recently had a degree of success in life. With a 75 cent raise and buying my car before my birthday like I said that I would. But it seems the more I succeed, the more I realize how goddamned futile this is. I keep on distracting myself from the inevitable but it never works. I will die some day and it just seems so un-natural. I've heard people say that life is un-natural, but they're wrong. I shouldn't have to die, I shouldn't rot away into bones and dust, I don't want my body burned or buried, I don't want anything to happen to it. I don't want to go to sleep one night and never wake up, or to be driving down the road and get t-boned by a drunk driver, I don't want to have a heart attack or to be decapitated, I want to live forever! Now I know that I'm killing my self with every cigarette that I smoke and every time I eat a whopper, but I can't stop. I know I'm going to die before I'm 50, that's inevitable, but I refuse to accept that fact in the deepest part of who I am. What really scares me is that my real father died before he was 40, he died fat, balding and alone. What makes me so different from him? Nothing. And does 50 years really make that much of a difference, if I die at 30 or I die at 130 it's still death. What makes up so so special to even know of death, animals don't mourn they're dead. What cruel God decided that we alone fear death? Is it an evolutionary mistake? I DON'T KNOW!! I CARE, I REALLY, REALLY CARE, BUT I DON'T KNOW AND I GIVE UP!!!!

Welcome to July everyone. June was an exercise in futility with nothing coming out of it except for "revelation" about college, a slightly larger savings account, and a more refined plan for my gambling vacation in October. Nothing ever changes! Life is short and I'm wasting it! I know that I've said this better before but I'm so sick of routine!! I need an escape from this, there is so much left to do in life and every day I spend here is wasted! I realize I need money to live, but who wants to just exist in life, I need to live it. Maybe I should join the peace corps and leave this life behind for a year or so, of course that probably won't work considering I went to Maryland and Hawaii for a couple of months and (don't tell anyone) the homesickness ate at me everyday I was there, knowing that I couldn't leave whenever I wanted to made it that much worse. I'm so conflicted, I want out but my apartment in my sanctuary, nothing can harm me in those walls except for the walls themselves as they close in and consume me from the inside. So much resentment builds up in me, I want out but I'm afraid to leave. I'm screaming to be released but begging to stay. Is there no compromise or have the failures of past lives condemned me to conflicted misery.