A distant tugging at my soul and here I am alone for all the world to see. Fine that was just random word strung together to make something. But this is my blog and I can write what I want, though slowly this is starting to mean nothing to me since all of this is the same that it was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. Nothing ever changes. For example, yet another senior rep. possistion opened and just like a month ago and eight months ago and ten months ago I'm going to apply for it. And just like happened last time, and the time before and the time before that, I'll come this close *hold fingers* but not quite there. How many times does this have to happen before I finally give up? And what do I mean by give up? I don't know anymore, all I know is that something got to give soon. Either I get the job and my routine is broken, or I don't get the job and my routine isn't broken, in which case I'll probably do something drastic that I'll regret, or maybe I won't. Maybe I really am a bi-polar schizophrenic sociopath. Maybe I'm just a product of mental illness, and if this were true, I cannot be held responsible for any actions. Imagine the possibilities.

So my mother calls me last night freaked out over me being potentially bi-polar, since when does that bitch have a right to give a fuck about me? Wow, where did that come from? I don't know, but let's go with it. Actually let's not, I'm just so tired of being so stressed, so angry and depressed, and now this will take an extraordinary amount of effort to fix, not to mention money. My mom acted really strange last night, like she was talking down to me and pretending to care now that she realizes that something real might be wrong with me, even though she's always treated me like shit. I repeat, what gives her the right to give a fuck about me now after all that she's put me through. She was never there for me growing up, we were always so fucking poor. I didn't even ask for graduation picture, or year books, I was embarrassed asking for graduation ware. What am I doing here, I'm at the very edge of tears right now just because mommy didn't love me. Goddamn her for putting me through this. This is all her fault, just like every fucked up thing in my life, it's all her fault. I was fine with being bi-polar, my thought was I've always been like this, so now my life can finally start to get better. I've always been one to wallow in self pity, but I would never let people feel for me. I don't really want anybody to care. It's weird, I want people not to care, I say that all I want is for somebody to care, but when they do I get nervous and try to push them away. Like it's un-manly to need somebody to say it's going to be okay.

So my shrink tells me I may be bi-polar, manic depressive, or something like that. Which makes a lot of sense, every bad thing in my life can be categorized into manic or depressed. What I'm concerned about in this post is that if I'm always in some state of mania or depression, where is the real me? Does the real me actually exist or am I a merely a culmination of mental distress?

Do you ever wake up too depressed to get out of bed, do you still get out of bed or do you role over and spend the day crying, wallowing in self pity? Well I rolled out of bed this morning and 5:15 (Before dawn!) and even though I've been at work for almost two hours, I'm still fighting to keep back the tears for no good reason. Maybe it's just that last week was a week of constant rejection. I put myself out there no less than three times last week and nothing was successful, no promotion, A doesn't hate me but can never think of me as anything other than some guy from work, I mentioned interest in Cassie and she ignores me. There you go, the hat trick of rejection, I think this is a record even for me. But finally, one small, minute thing goes right for me. There was too much availability on the phones, and they picked me to take a half hour off (paid!). I know it isn't much, but when you're feeling as down as me, there's nowhere to go but up. On the bright side, well there really is no bright side, but 6 shots of espresso later and everything is tainted by caffeine. So smile the first day of the weekend is almost 1/4 over.