I know these following thoughts are irrational and break every man law in existence, but here they are anyway. My roommate got a girlfriend and now they take over the couch every night relegating me to wander the Internet in search of something, anything to kill my resentment. Last night they came in and said they're going to watch a movie, even though I was about four minutes from The Daily Show. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. It was one thing to sacrifice the couch so somebody else could get laid even as I still dwell in the land of the perpetually pure, but now that the same girl is here every night and he doesn't even fuck her every night and it's getting to be a huge inconvenience.

What am I supposed to do? If I say something to him I look like a whiny little bitch, if I don't I stew in my resentment and I start saying things that won't be forgiven.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released on the west coast in less than seven hours. I'm not sure if I want this post to be about the books or my journey with them. What I'm silently concerned about is if my obsessive fandom is

All your life you're told to be yourself but what happens when you realize nobody likes the real you? Then you realize that in your quest for the real you, you've lost the will to be anything else. I guess that's the point that you come to the inevitable conclusion that you will be alone for the rest of your miserable existence. That your social ineptness is simply not something that can be compensated for.

You know that even in the depths of your whining monologue that somebody will come along again. And you know that when somebody new comes along you will again find some way to sabotage it.

I'm sitting at the computer begging the universe for something to do. My life go stagnant so I decided to go into a self improvement kick, and I've actually stayed off soda since Thursday. The trouble is, even when I loose a hundred pounds (and I know I'll do it eventually) and I'm back to my idea weight buying clothes at normal stores again, I'll still be left alone. I don't think better looks will necessarily improve my situation, it seems I had better looks in high school and it didn't get me very far. But I always said that if I had the knowledge of today with the looks of five years ago than I would be able to get a girlfriend. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't, but finally I get to try. Another weird accomplishment, I ate a normal sized meal: three scrambled eggs, two pieces of rye toast and a big glass of milk, and I was full. I haven't been full off of that in a long time. Now the key is to keep it going. I don't have big elaborate goals for myself right away, I have the eventual goal of reaching two hundred pounds, but I need to focus on one thing at a time. So I'm no longer eating within two hours of bed, and I haven't had a soda except for a half a glass first thing in the morning since Thursday. I know nobody cares, and I should really stop talking about it, but for the first time in a while I feel . . . . what do I feel, validated? No not validated, normal? No, no that either. I guess I just feel proud of myself, like I'm worthy of something that I wasn't worthy of before.

Two posts in a row, who knew that I had so much time on my hands. Anyway, today is going to be a change of pace. I've recently discovered bit torrents and now I'm able to download all those movies that I always meant to see. I think my summer project after the Harry Potter thing dies down will be to see AFI's top 100 movies. So today I started with Citizen Kane. With out further rambles from an intoxicated mind, here are my thoughts on the movie:

The first thing I noticed about Citizen Kane is that this is a beautiful film. I love the camera angles, low points in Kane's life shot from low angles, like the camera is on the floor. Aside from the camera angles I found that black and white film provides for ambiance that I've never seen in color film.

Okay, so it's a great movie and that was my attempt to remember how to write. I guess I forgot more than I thought. Anyway, it was a beautiful movie with rich characters and an engaging plot. The trouble is, the entire movie is set in turn of the century America. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot identify with these characters. Sure they're polite and honorable, but they're but another reminder of what society has become. Ruthless hedonists run our country and our freedoms rotting away like trash abandoned on the expressway to Hell.

My little sister's asked about me this morning and what I was doing for the 4th of July. The thought of somebody caring enough about me to ask what I was doing on a holiday really put tears to my eyes. I know it's not true, but it hit that I have zero self confidence. I'm confident in what I do, but not in myself. My self immage is of a fat, ugly looser with a bad attitude that nobody can tollerate. I know this is a false immage, but it must be what I really am or else it wouldn't put tears to my eyes simply because my sister's asked what I was doing. *sigh* It's okay though, because I cannot cry under any circumstances. Crying as an almost 22 year old man is simply unacceptable. If there's somebody out there reading this please leave a comment so I know that somebody give a fuck.