I recently realized that I am not, in fact, physically repulsive to the opposite sex. After the initial glory of the revelation, I realized last night, while in the middle of a still unexplained bawling session in an empty apartment, that I can no longer use my bad looks as an excuse for people not liking me. Now every time a girl turns me down it's because who I am isn't good enough for them. Some flaw in my personality pushed them away.

But I was sitting here in an empty apartment and I started crying and I couldn't figure out why. I tried thinking about different things to see if I could provoke the crying. I didn't miss A, I didn't miss the roommates, I kinda missed M, but that's another story. I think the best I came up with was needing a hug, but that would be have been the solution to the crying, not the cause of it.

But I just wanted to get down this feeling for later: I am afraid of not being physically repulsive because I can't use it as a crutch any more.