The lonely rantings of a former looser trying to make it through life the best he can. Am I crazy? Maybe a little? Am I bad? I really don't think so. Maybe I'm just me and really that's all that people should expect.
January 13, 2010
Couples. I don't want to be part of one. I still don't think anybody can like me that much. I don't desperatly crave it any more. I miss the desperation.
1 comment:
Anonymous
said...
I know how you feel. I would rather be painfully, desperately miserable than just numb and resigned. But is it really that you don't want to be part of a couple, or just not like the ones you've been part of before? If you miss wanting something, have you really stopped wanting it?
I know I've told you this before, Jase, but you can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself.
What kind of an advertisement is it if you are projecting "I think I'm hideous. I hate myself. I hate my life. I am empty and worthless". Any potential partner with desirable traits would run FAR FAR AWAY. You want to be projecting "I am secure, happy, resilient, fun, caring. We are both totally excellent by ourselves, but we would enjoy being together."
If you could get to that space, even if you never found someone (which I'm not saying is gonna be the case!) you would be a more contented and fulfilled person. I'm not saying it's easy, but I know it is possible. Don't bury your head in the sand, hun. Don't just think, this is it, this is my life, for better or for worse. It's not.
I don't want to belittle any part of your life, not by a long shot- only to offer a little perspective. And I don't really know that much about anything anymore, but for what it's worth, here's how I see it: no problem in your life is unsolvable, no mistake irreparable, nothing broken beyond fixing, nothing so far beyond your grasp that you can't reach out to grab it. It's not that you live a blessed life, as such, but it is also in no way cursed, and what is keeping you down is the pit you keep on digging. Despair is a luxury you can ill afford- the more negativity we send out the more we get back.
May I also say: whatever you have been doing, in your life, clearly it's not working for you. Shake it up. Do what you need to. Don't be afraid to make a totally new start where you can shape a new Jason.
My point, hun, is that you are in control of your life. Yeah, at the moment a lot of things might suck in a big way. But only you can do anything about that. Please, listen to this- I say it because I truly do care and I hate to see you in the same rut I have been stuck in before.
Don't be afraid to say, "I forgive you" to yourself. Not everything you do or have done can be perfect. The only important thing is that you are kind, loving and gentle with yourself, so that you can allow yourself to grow. As the saying goes, "every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better".
You're a work in progress, Jason, we all are. Happiness is possible, and it feels good. It does take work, and strength of courage, and yes you will get knocked down and feel like for every step forward you get pushed back three. But you WILLget there. Have faith, Jason. Not in God, because if he/she/it actually exists (which I doubt) he/she/it has no power to help you, shape you, change you. Be brave, and have faith in yourself. In the spark of strength inside you. In the fight that's sleeping somewhere below the surface, ready to overthrow this beast of apathy and emptiness that has been your master for as long as I have known you.
Don't be a victim, Jason. Be a survivor, a fighter, like I know you are, like I know you can. Be extraordinary.
P.S A poem that makes my heart smile: http://www.kalimunro.com/declaration-of-self-esteem.html
1 comment:
I know how you feel. I would rather be painfully, desperately miserable than just numb and resigned. But is it really that you don't want to be part of a couple, or just not like the ones you've been part of before? If you miss wanting something, have you really stopped wanting it?
I know I've told you this before, Jase, but you can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself.
What kind of an advertisement is it if you are projecting "I think I'm hideous. I hate myself. I hate my life. I am empty and worthless". Any potential partner with desirable traits would run FAR FAR AWAY. You want to be projecting "I am secure, happy, resilient, fun, caring. We are both totally excellent by ourselves, but we would enjoy being together."
If you could get to that space, even if you never found someone (which I'm not saying is gonna be the case!) you would be a more contented and fulfilled person. I'm not saying it's easy, but I know it is possible. Don't bury your head in the sand, hun. Don't just think, this is it, this is my life, for better or for worse. It's not.
I don't want to belittle any part of your life, not by a long shot- only to offer a little perspective. And I don't really know that much about anything anymore, but for what it's worth, here's how I see it: no problem in your life is unsolvable, no mistake irreparable, nothing broken beyond fixing, nothing so far beyond your grasp that you can't reach out to grab it. It's not that you live a blessed life, as such, but it is also in no way cursed, and what is keeping you down is the pit you keep on digging. Despair is a luxury you can ill afford- the more negativity we send out the more we get back.
May I also say: whatever you have been doing, in your life, clearly it's not working for you. Shake it up. Do what you need to. Don't be afraid to make a totally new start where you can shape a new Jason.
My point, hun, is that you are in control of your life. Yeah, at the moment a lot of things might suck in a big way. But only you can do anything about that. Please, listen to this- I say it because I truly do care and I hate to see you in the same rut I have been stuck in before.
Don't be afraid to say, "I forgive you" to yourself. Not everything you do or have done can be perfect. The only important thing is that you are kind, loving and gentle with yourself, so that you can allow yourself to grow. As the saying goes, "every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better".
You're a work in progress, Jason, we all are. Happiness is possible, and it feels good. It does take work, and strength of courage, and yes you will get knocked down and feel like for every step forward you get pushed back three. But you WILLget there. Have faith, Jason. Not in God, because if he/she/it actually exists (which I doubt) he/she/it has no power to help you, shape you, change you. Be brave, and have faith in yourself. In the spark of strength inside you. In the fight that's sleeping somewhere below the surface, ready to overthrow this beast of apathy and emptiness that has been your master for as long as I have known you.
Don't be a victim, Jason. Be a survivor, a fighter, like I know you are, like I know you can. Be extraordinary.
P.S A poem that makes my heart smile: http://www.kalimunro.com/declaration-of-self-esteem.html
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