My loyal fans

Come, embrace me.  Show me the praise that I so desparately need right now. . . not that I deserve it, but still shower your entertainer with praise.  Tell me that I'm beautiful, tell me that I'm good, tell me that life somehow has a meaning and tomorrow is a new day.  Fill me with the optimistic bullshit that I feed my Facebook followers.  One day this Blog will be famous and you're on the ground floor my friends.  Of course if it isn't famous yet, maybe it will never be, but who knows, maybe. 

So now I lay my head to sleep and pray the lord that I come up with something fresh and original to write about tomorrow that will somehow make me famous and immortal here.  This may be my only chance and fame and immortality.  Nothing lasts forever, least of all us.  I know I'm setting myself up for failure when I attempt sleep in a couple hours, but still, soon we will all be dust and never mind, not the thing to talk about with our nightly mini-death awaiting us all.

How many of you are there anyway?  I see lots of page views, every post gets 7-10 views, but how many of those are me admiring my own work?  So reply people, post your comments, please when I need it the most but deserve it the least, show me that I'm not alone in my little corner of the Internet.

please

I feel like writing

I'm not sure what I feel like writing, but I feel like saying something.  There's a lot I need to say, but a lot I can't say.  So I'll talk about the trivial.  Christmas is coming up and as a snap shot of my life I'm still mostly broke, living off of unemployment while it lasts with not prospects for gainful employment in the future.  I never appreciated Assurant until it was gone, but I still hate Thor.  I will always hate Thor.  Forever and ever Amen.  And I'm bored.  Bored and kinda lonely but not in the mood to socialize which is kind of weird.  I'm nearing the end of my experiment in paper blogging.  When it's done I'm going to transcribe as much of it as I can read and post it online anonymously.  A lot of it is my relationship with Manny, so it's not exactly when I want to post here under my own name.  Since what it became was a documentation of my inner monologue at my very, very worst, I will call it simply: "The Inner Monologue of a Random Looser".  It goes on for literally hundreds of hand written pages. Sometimes it's legible, sometimes it's not.  I'll do my best. 

I have no right to want a girlfriend.  I'm a unemployed, obese, drug addict.  I have nothing to offer to the opposite sex.  Still, and I'm sure this has more to do with the constantly fluctuating brain chemicals than anything, I want to be part of a relationship.  I crave affection and attention.  I no longer expect a girlfriend to make everything better, those days are finally behind me.  Maybe I'm lonely, but I've pretty much given up on Happily Ever After.  Oh well we all know who my real lover is, she's pale and sharp and packs a punch, but once she gets her claws into you, nobody else compares.  Tomorrow: I will write again about my ideal woman.

Finally Manny relaxes his grip on my mind, he's there but he's fading . . . phew.

Manny

Manny (external manifestation of internal strife) is just part of the game. If I want to play, if I want the dopamine rush that cannot be beat, then Manny is a part of it.  And maybe I'm not mature enough to handle TWMNBN (That Which Must Not be Named), the Voldemort of the world in which I choose to dwell.  Maybe I'm the Ron instead of the Harry, maybe I'm even the Neville, but I can't resist.  There is a point is where everything is just more fun and nothing can go wrong, where there is no down to the up, the perfect Yang symbol.  Then at some point, in order for the universe to exist, the Yin must come into play.  Down must come with the up, always.  As much as you would love to exist entetirely in the Yang, you can't.  Ever.  So today I deal with the Yin, the light in my beloved darkness.  I knew it was coming, it always did, and I had fun.  That's always the rationalization. 

Qutting again . . .

Wow, who knew that this would have so many ups and downs? 

I once wrote: The highest of highs, followed by the lowest of lows. Hope and unexpected fortune give way to fear and dispare. Confidence gives ways to cockiness gives way to nothingness.

I wrote that way back in 2006, almost 6 years ago.  Every day that has new meaning to me.  I just wanna, I don 't know what I want anymore.  Right now, I want to hibernate in my room contemplate the nothingness.

Just something I wrote on a friend's wall . . .

We met through a mutual friend in Coleman and were instant friends. Sarah is a always up for an adventure, whether it's sitting around watching every single NFL playoff game, or singing the best duet of "Picture" Albany has ever seen, she's always up for a good time. Of course there was that one knock on my window at 1 in the morning that turned out to be her and her roommate running from her crazy boyfriend, but even that turned into a hell of an adventure. She's strong with a sensitive side, sweet with a fist of iron, and it goes without speaking that she's cute as a button :) (how's that for a paragraph?)

So I'm drunk, but . . .

It's amazing how when I was done with coming off of That Which Must Not Be Named, how my true friends stuck with me.  It's surprising, somewhat, which friends were the ones to stick with me.  In all, I'm happy, at least at the moment.  In the mean time, I'm going to finish reading this amazing ESPN.com article about how the Ducks are gonna kill Stanford of Friday then I'm gonna go drink till I'm gone and then pass out.  Alone, all alone of course, but happy.  Artificially happy, but happy none the less.  Love you all!