I don't want to make a promise I can't keep. I've failed so much in the past, I don't want to fail again with the hopes of my family upon my shoulders. I could tell them that I promise this time will be different, this time I'll commit to what needs committed to, but what if I can't keep the promise. All these goals seem so lofty, so out of reach. I've been stuck in this cycle for so long that how can I promise never again if I've never even been able to go a month? Hell, the motto is "one day at a time", now they want forever? Of course I know the consequences of failure, but I've always known them, what's going to make it different this time? Nothing. I know I can't go into this expecting failure, but at the moment, I'm not even committed to a week. I can commit to today, and tomorrow probably, but forever?
Blah, I guess there's a time for everything and now is the time to make yet another attempt to breaking the cycle.
Please. God. Let it be different this time.
Not for me, I could care less about me. I've been waiting to die for a long time now, I just don't have the guts to end it myself. Let it be different for my littlest sister. The one who loves me with all her huge heart. The one that sees her big brother in pain and all she wants to do is make me better. I don't want to fail her anymore. I'm going to be the big brother that she knows I am, even I can't see that person right now.
Please God, for The Littlest Sister, let it be different this time.
1 comment:
put your trust in God, with him all things are possible. praying for you. You can do this!
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