Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  What am I thankful for this year?  At the moment, not much.  I'm grateful for all the things that everyone's thankful for, a roof over my head, food in my over inflated belly, a job.  I just don't want to be here, or anywhere for that matter.  I'm going to die when I'm 36, but that's 8 years away and I really don't want to wait that long.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  My little sister used to be my reason for not killing myself and now that I'm not her brother anymore, I really have no reason to keep on going.  My current plan is to wait until my other little sister's wedding day and kill myself then.  That way I ruin her big day.  I'm not sure why I want to ruin her day, but at least the day I died will be remembered then.  I don't want my death to be meaningless.  I could go on a shooting spree and commit suicide by cop, but the part of me that still hopes for a Heaven won't let me do that.  Besides, those people aren't remembered anymore.  It happens too often.  Maybe I'll take a gun to work and shoot myself in the head right in the middle of my first complete of the day.  That would be interesting and at least for the people that are there that day, they'll never forget me, or at least they'll never forget my final act.

So that is me on Thanksgiving 2013, still contemplating suicide.  I really wish I had the guts to just end it all.

So grateful for my new meds . . .

With the help of a very old anti-psychotic medication and Lebanon Urgent Care, Manny is now dead.  Well not dead, but at least asleep for a while.  I love this stuff, just a few days on it and Manny goes to sleep.  Of course it causes me to want to sleep all the time too which I can't really afford now that I'm working 35 hours a week and having to wake up at 5:00 AM, but if it puts Manny to sleep it's worth it.

On another, non-Manny related note, I'm reading "Atlas Shrugged" and not only does it make me feel really smart, it's an amazing book.  You should all read it some time if you get the chance.