"I didn't compromise my soul to be a popular guy." - - George W. Bush

I just had a HUGE revelation and I'm not sure what to do with it. Whenever I meet someone, I assume that they don't like me.

I recently realized that I am not, in fact, physically repulsive to the opposite sex. After the initial glory of the revelation, I realized last night, while in the middle of a still unexplained bawling session in an empty apartment, that I can no longer use my bad looks as an excuse for people not liking me. Now every time a girl turns me down it's because who I am isn't good enough for them. Some flaw in my personality pushed them away.

But I was sitting here in an empty apartment and I started crying and I couldn't figure out why. I tried thinking about different things to see if I could provoke the crying. I didn't miss A, I didn't miss the roommates, I kinda missed M, but that's another story. I think the best I came up with was needing a hug, but that would be have been the solution to the crying, not the cause of it.

But I just wanted to get down this feeling for later: I am afraid of not being physically repulsive because I can't use it as a crutch any more.

Don't look back at what we had, look forward to what we have. We have someone to go to when everything else seems bleak, we have something to cling to when the rest of the world rejects us. What we had was good, but isn't it fun to get to know each other and enjoy life as it comes?

So after the political blog failed to get any responses, here's a new direction.

I've decided that the key to not fighting with my family this Thanksgiving is to be my work self with my family. People seem to like me at work. I just have to be my witty, charming, professional-but-not-too-professional self. I do it for 8 hours a day at work, so why can't I do it for eight hours with my family. Maybe the work me has become the real me and the me that I revert to around family has become just a ghost of who I used to be. I try to fall back into that roll when I'm around them, but it doesn't work and it all comes out awkward. My work self, is just a mask that I put on for 8 hours to avoid open conflict. That's perfect! All I have to do is be the work me today and my family will like me more. It all seems so clear now, when it should be feeling foggy, ha ha ha.

Wow, let's look at this first week after the election, hasn't it been exciting? Rahm Emanuel (lol, I actually spent time memorizing his name so I could use it in casual conversation) as chief of staff was a great choice, he was Clinton's senior political advisor for 5 years and once told the British prime minister "Don't fuck this up, it's important." And how can you go wrong with a real life Josh Lyman from The West Wing? And his brother is the real life Ari (Entourage.)

But with the good comes the bad, I don't like this economic stimulus plan that Obama's trying to push through congress. We need to let the economy fix itself in the short term and adjust policies to fix it in the long term. Pumping money into the problem can't be the way out.

At least he's trying to repair our relationship with the world. He's going to close Guantanamo and attempt to send the prisoners to trial in America. Apparently that's more complicated than it sounds. He's going to create a quasi-civilian military tribunal so the prisoners have all the rights of an American citizen (which they may not deserve in the first place) and national security isn't compromised. This is a complicated issue to tackle first, and there's a big chance that he's going to fail. Then for the rest of his administration he'll have this big failure to overcome.

Oh he visited the White House, just the standard private meet and greet where the departing president imparts his wisdom on the incoming one. It's funny how quickly Obama flips from condemning the Bush administration to promoting bipartisanship. The Mrs' visited too. Michelle Obama and Laura Bush, they represent the one thing everyone has in common with the president. No matter what posistion in life we're in, we're still dealing with family.

Plus it gives America reassurance. Right now, we're full of optimism and eager for change, but there's always the part that wants everything to stay the same. That's what the first ladies represent. They represent that souvenir from home that we take with us on our way to college, the 2nd hand furniture from our childhood home that fills our first apartment, those hand me down holiday decorations that decorate our childhood homes that will decorates our children's homes too.

I don't really have a point here, but I have all these thoughts on all these issues and most people that I know either wouldn't know what I was talking about or wouldn't care.

What do you think?

"This victory alone is not the change we seek - it is only the chance for us to make that change." - - Barack Obama, Acceptance speech, 11/4/2008

This is the quote that is going to be remembered from last night's speech. It projects exactly how America feels right now. Cautiously optimistic.

Where was I when Barack Obama got elected? I was sitting in my apartment with my roommates and a friend trying pot brownies for the first time while drinking Bacardi Gold and Cokes. Obama seems like an amazing leader with a view for the future. I really liked that line about how change did not come tonight, but the chance for change came. When he was giving his speech he didn't talk like he won a Superbowl or something, he looked like he just got a huge promotion, and fulfilled a dream. Obama seemed, honored, proud, humbled and just a little sad. Especially when he talked about his grandmother, you could tell that he was holding back tears. I like that he was honest about the sacrifices all Americans need to make, he told us that it's not going to be easy, but it's been done before and now is the time for another change. Again back to humble, but he seemed humble when he talked about becoming a responsible world citizen. He told us that we're all countries are working toward a common goal, and that America is ready to do what it takes to make it better. He really made me feel that America isn't done yet. That we'll repair the damage. Now I just really hope that he lives up to what he says. I hope he takes the lead and go for it. I hope he doesn't let the Republicans scare him into complacency. Most of all, I hope he lasts long enough to be more than a footnote in a text book.

I endorse Barack Obama.



I'm so excited. Election day is less than a week away. After four years of following the elections, from Barack Obama's speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention, to the clusterfuck to the Whitehouse that followed. From an assured Gulioni-Hillary general election, to John McCain's easy win in the primaries, to the historic democratic primaries. I remember being up at 2 or 3 am wandering the news sites when Joe Biden was announced as Obama's running mate. It was exiting, flipping on MSNBC, watching the early analysis as the sun came up. Seeing Joe Biden's first speech in front of the state house in Springfield, IL. I remember what a sense of security he brought to the ticket. Before Biden, I thought that Obama lacked some political capital and experience. But with Biden on the ticket, it doesn't matter. Of course I still think a Clinton/Obama ticket would have been best for everyone.

But on another note:

It really offends me when people say that they don't vote or aren't even registered. A lot of the people that I know don't care who the president is, I'm sure none of them could even name the secretary of state (Condeleza Rice) or the Speaker of the House (Nancy Pelosi). It's incomprehensible to me to think that most people are so uninvolved. How can you just not vote. How is it possible that they don't care about anything. I remember two years ago talking about Barack Obama. They asked who's Barack Obama? Who's Barack Obama?!? That was preposterous to me even back then.


The people that don't vote have no right to complain about government, ever. They can't say that taxes are too high, or that we need better schools, because they had their one chance to change it all. With a the simple act of filling out a ballot they have their voice and they reject it. This is how the religious must feel when encountering an atheist. Most religious people simply cannot imagine not believing in God. And I can't imagining being so out of touch with the world that I wouldn't vote. So all three (to use a generous estimate) of my readers, I implore you vote. Please, it doesn't matter who you vote for or what you vote for, but please fill out a ballot, drop in off (if you're in Oregon.) Take five minutes out of your life to look at the voters pamphlet. Of course Oregon readers know to say no on Mandatory Minimum Sentencing and yes to limiting English as a Second Language classes to two years maximum.

So on that note, I depart. Happy Halloween everyone.

Outcast, reject, looser. That's all I've ever been in life and that's all I'll ever be. So I was thinking, that when people get to know the real me they turn away, that's a given. But I had been romanticizing the reasons behind people turning away from me one they got to know me. It's not that I'm too disturbed, it's not that my thoughts scare people, that my perpetual sadness depresses people. It's nothing nearly that exciting, it's the fact that I'm annoying. When people know the real me, the realize that I'm immature and clingy, that I have unresolved abandonment issues and I'm starved for love and scared of death. If I were the rest of the world, I wouldn't like me either. Next is dealing with this issue. Any ideas?

So M found somebody else. We weren't back together officially, but I was working on it. I know it was probably just because I was feeling lonely and would have taken anybody, but now that she's moved on, I think that I might have given up my only chance at love. It's like the universe threw it at me again and again and I kept on rejecting it, and when I finally said yes to love, the universe yanks it away from me. I know I treated her like shit, and I was feeling really bad about it. She never did anything to intentionally hurt me, she's really a good person, just confused. Blah, I dunno. I miss her.

So I was sitting around with my roommates and, in a rare moment, talking of all things deep. I told them that I feel that most girls are out of my league. They're either too good looking or too social or too experienced, even looking at personal ads, I find myself dismissing most girls as out my league. So they asked me a good question, they asked, why do I feel that most girls are out of my league, so I told them: I'm fat, I have bad teeth, and I don't have enough experience. Those are all good reasons I guess. But right now I find myself in an empty apartment, feeling down on myself. No good reason I guess, I'm just feeling lonely.

Why does it bother me when people are exceptionally nice to me? It's either that I can't trust their motives or I feel I don't deserve their kindness. Except that the kindness that is being given to me is the exact kindness that I give to other people, why can't I stand it when it's returned?

Don't look at me world. Why don't I disgust you as much as I disgust myself? Why do you look at me with sympathy and compassion when you should be looking at me with contempt or at best indifference? Why can't you see me as I do? I'm disgusting, I'm repulsive, I'm incapable of love. When I look in the mirror I see wasted potential and shattered dreams. I see desire, I want so much more out of life, I just know I don't deserve it.

I'm sad, but it's that same old sadness. The same deep depression that comes from knowing that I'll never be loved. But it's some how different this time. This time I know that it's mostly my fault. I'm incapable of love and A and M both taught me that. I'm afraid that I'm going to love too much next time or not enough, at the same time I know there's this debilitating nervousness that's keeping me from meeting new people. I don't know, I just spend so much time around couples and I want to be part of one and then there's the part of me that fears it as much as I want it.

Just a thought . . . what's it say about myself confidence that I'm wandering a dating site and dismiss most of the women as too good looking and way out of my league?

It's like a switched was flipped this morning, I woke up and all of the sudden all the appeal of relationships came back to me and I have to say it's crushing. I went from not wanting a relationship, thinking it's not worth the effort and comforting myself by saying that if I really wanted one I could find a relationship to I want a relationship, they will make everything better and knowing that I'll never have one again. I forgot what it was like to feel this crushing loneliness. I could describe what it feels like again, but it's just what I've been feeling all my life. The same sense of isolation, like everyone else has a secret that they're not letting me in on. I know that I don't want to be around couples any more, I just want to be alone so I can loose myself in the loneliness.

Why does spending the rest of my life alone seem so much more appealing than a relationship?

Ahh, waking thoughts. They're either completely on the mark still fresh with the unspoken fears my dreams or completely off the mark before the rationalization of daylight dissolves the darkness of my subconscious.

Today I muse on the fact that after a night of hanging out with friends and feeling like I fit in, I still wake up with the old insecurities: "Do they really like me or are they just being nice? Do I really fit in as well as I thought last I did last night? Am I still that insecure little 8th grader mistaking people being polite with people actually liking me? Will I wake up tomorrow with the adult equivalent of being taken to the counselor saying that I'm following them around?"

You'd think after all this time I'd be over it. Will these insecurities ever go away?

Monday waking thoughts . . . .

I woke up depressed today. That undefined sense of longing is back. I think it goes back to relationships. There was a couple weeks where I didn't want one, it's too much effort and not worth the pain of break up. I still want to feel that way, but it seems like I was around couples all weekend and they seem happy and I want that. It's not that I want it because it seems appealing, just because everyone else has one.

Another note, and this is more of a reminder to write about it later, it seems like the one constant in my life since I graduated high school is a cup of coffee and a cigarette staring out into the morning. From grandma's house right after high school, to selling magazine, to Job Corps and the actual job, I still wake up in the morning with a cup of black coffee and a cigarette. Just the little things in life I guess.

To continue with my series of waking thoughts. . . . I forgot something very important over the past couple weeks: I don't want friends. It all seems too fake for me. It's all a series of favors. Quid pro quo. Even with family that's all it is. I guess recently I thought there was more. I thought it was about caring and feeling and love *phts* (exasperated sound of bitterness) I guess I was wrong.

Oh sweet irony! It seems like just a couple nights ago I was praising the virtues of friendship and on the night that I run out of weed, I have no friends around. I guess there truly is no value in friendship. Or maybe there's just no value in friendship with me.

Drunk and wallowing in self pity. I dunno. Ha ha, seems to be the phrase of the day doesn't it? I don't know, I just feel sad. It's funny that I was in a better mood before I started drinking. But of course I was drinking with AE and her bf. I think K got it in my head that I really am attracted to AE. Of course I am, I mean look at her. She's smart, she's sweet and of course she's good looking, my god is she good looking. But we've been friends for so long, yeah that's bs. I don't care how long we've been friends. But we have have been really good friends for a long time. Intellectual sparing partners, we can bounce our lives off each other and we usually come back with good feedback for both of us. I don't know (magic phrase, ha ha) maybe I am just a little jealous of people in relationships. I don't like this feeling though. For the past couple weeks I've been content in being single and it's been nice. It's nice not to have that insatiable need to be in a relationship. For the past couple weeks I didn't want that hand holding, lovey dovey bull shit that comes with a relationship. I didn't think I could stand anyone enough to be around them that much. At least at this moment that's exactly what I want. The same thing that I've been blogging about for 3 fucking years. Right now I don't think that a relationship will make everything better, but I think, I don't know. I just want one. I want someone to hold right now, damn it, now I'm crying, or at least getting close to it. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry but I feel sorry. Pauses for a moment . . . . I feel lonely? Wow, it seems like forever since I've felt that way. What happened to that facade of indifference?

I don't really have any friends. I have neighbors, I have roommates, I have associates, but no one that I can really confide in. There is nobody that has seen how truly unbalanced I am that still talks to me. I've been through this all before and it ends in a loop and I end up remembering that I don't care anymore. I don't know, I'm just feeling sad for no good reason. I'm not lonely, I'm not unhigh, I'm mildly bored, but that's not it. It's more that I feel disappointed with the world. It seems like I would do anything for anyone most of the time (but that's my unsatisfied need for approval,) but when I need something I'm on my own. I don't know, maybe I haven't grown up all the much from that scared little kid in elementary school desperately trying to make friends, from that awkward 8th grade kid who just wanted to fit in, from that bitter high schooler who spent 4 years hating the world before it could hate him. Maybe I've never grown up. I can fake it, but when you see the real me, I'm just scared most of the time. Even when I'm not, I am because as soon as everything else is resolved in life, death is still looming in the distance and all around.

This facade of indifference is starting to crumble, but I won't let it . . . not yet. I can't believe what's happened in the past week or so. I learn that I might be a daddy with a girl that I don't give a damn about, then she says she lost the baby, personally I think it's just drama on her part trying to make me fall in love with her. What's sad is that I was right all along: all I had to do to gain the approval of my family was to knock some girl up. That's all my family wants from me is for me to have a family of my own, no matter how that happens, it's disgusting. All the while I get a promotion at work and I trying to learn a whole new job while making first impressions on a new team, which should be enough stress by it's self. And then on Sunday morning I wake up to a bloody bathroom, missing roommates and no phone. It turns out my roommates lost their baby, she was 7 months pregnant with the coolest kid you'll never know, now they're back from the hospital and dealing with their own grief and I have to feel guilty every time I'm happy. At the same time slowly dealing with the epiphany that despite all of what I've been through in life I still have zero self confidence. That's why I'm so eager to do things to please people, because when I think about myself I still feel a worthless failure in life that nobody should ever love. I'm sure somebody could love me, but nobody should. Loving me just gets people hurt because I'll never live up to their expectations. I'll always push them away before they get close enough to see the real me and reject me for me instead of something dumb that I did.

I just want to end this with a little story: A few weeks ago my roommates and I are sitting around in the only air conditioned room in the house smoking as we tend to do, Whitney's sitting there with the pipe in her hand and feels Josh (her baby) kick, I say "He's tell you to quit camping mom." We all have a good laugh, but that just shows what an amazing kid he would have been. . . . . . RIP little boy.

I will never again get so close to someone that I'd be affected if they walked out of my life. That was my issue with A and I'm seeing this echoed again in K's new relationship. I will never love someone so much that when they walk out of my life for whatever reason, and they all do eventually, that it will hurt at all. What's weird is that I can still have feelings for K, obviously she used me, but she was fun and happy and hot. I know enough now to look at her relationship now and realize that she's in exactly the kind of relationship that she would have had with me. The guy does all he can to please her because he's so afraid to loose her. Which is exactly what happened with me and A. So if the parallel continues, she's eventually get tired of the way he's acting and realize that all the stuff he buys her isn't worth all the shit that she has to put with. What's sad is that it isn't his fault at all. With A I thought that I was doing the right thing. It really is scary to think about someone you "love" that much ever leaving you. I thought that she would be the cure to all of life's problems, but it didn't have to be her. I could have been any girl. I had put so much into having a relationship just because everyone else had one and they all seemed to be happy. I thought that it would cure the emptiness, and it did for a while. But yeah I ended up with a broken heart. The point of this whole lead up though:

I've learned my lesson. I would never get that attached to a girl. Now whoever I end up with, I won't give a damn if they walk out on me, I will never ask them to stay, I will never beg for anyone back. It's not worth it. If they didn't like me enough to stay, then asking them, or begging them to come back will only make it worse.

I hate people, rather I hate being around people. I know I have to be around people at work, but when I come home I just want to crawl into my cocoon and not let the rest of the world penetrate. Seriously, give me a sack of weed a video game and a house full of food and I'm in heaven. Or at least that sounds a lot more appealing than the current state of things. Really socializing seems like too much effort all I want to do is sit back and relax and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. Of course when that actually happens I'll be here screaming at the world that I'm bored, cursing god for making me so damned lonely. Of course there's always M. She's in love with me and I don't feel much for her. It seems like the way she acts towards me is a lot like the way I acted towards A. It's like living on the other side of the mirror it's that similar. I don't know if my experience with A and knowing how that turned out makes me reluctant to let any feelings that I have for M show through. But when it comes down to it, I just want sex from her. I know I can't stand her, but I don't know how much of me not being able to stand her comes from me.


To change the subject mid-sentence, I just deleted A from my Yahoo and Myspace lists, and out of my address book and off my phone. Right now I'm at the point where I'm desperately unsure of what I feel towards A. So unsure that I'm sure I don't want to explore it, but it will probably end with some revelation of how she used me or how unstable I really am.

Alas, I'm off to happier things .

So I woke up this morning with a weird urge to call my mother. I haven't talked to her in almost a month so I figured it might be time for me to call her. Then I realized that my family hates me for no good (or at least apparent) reason so it's best for me to just keep my weekly calls to my grandparrents as my only contact with the family. Just a random waking thought.

Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay. Why do people keep on asking that? On a given day I'm just barely keeping control over my emotions enough not to burst out into tears. I know nobody gives a fuck and it's a lot easier to deal with that way. Because if somebody cared enough to ask then I'd have to deal with the fact that I'm anything but okay. But really that's okay. It's okay because it has to be okay and the alternative would be unacceptable. It doesn't matter that I'm apparently such a fuck up in my family's eyes that they're now just loving me because they have to. I say I don't love my family, that I could give a fuck if they all went away, all the time desperately craving their approval. My cousin actually told me that I deserved to used, how fucked up is that? Remember that Christmas that my parents got me a copy of The 40 Year-Old Virgin? When they said my 14 year old cousin would get laid before me? But that's okay too, because I certainly proved them wrong. I took the first girl who would have me, it's not that I regret it, but I thought I'd find something close to love before I found physical release.

What scares me is that I don't really feel attracted to anyone for the first time ever. I'm not sure if no one seems appealing, or that it just a relationship doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm sure I wouldn't say no to relationship at this point or a quick lay (well that's another topic) but I just don't think it'd work out. I still feel the sting of rejection from K, and apparently it was my fault. I don't even feel lonely, I'm just sad.

Ugh, I hate my fucking life. I can't believe that at this point in life I can be so easily manipulated. I thought I was too disillusioned with relationships and friendship and life to let girls use me, but I guess I was wrong. I never really believed that liked me as anything more than a friend, or maybe I did and when I realized that she didn't it was too late to salvage anything else from the relationship. At that point she already saw that I would do anything for her just because I was already attached and desperate for attention, I think this has something to do with her falling from the pedistal. There is more here, but I don't have time to write it.

Today I cried . . . .

For all the reasons that I couldn't cry before I cried.
I cried because I'm going to be alone forever
Because nice guys really do finish last
Because my parents never loved me
Because I never loved them
I cried for lost love
For the big V
Given to the first who would take it
I cried because I'll never have it back
Fuck it, I don't know if there's a poem here
I cried because I finally felt overwhelmed
It finally felt okay to let it go
And I don't feel any better
I just feel like crying all the time
I don't want to stop
I want to crawl in bed and never leave
I want to relive that amazing day with M
When getting out of bed seemed like too much effort
When I was finally a normal person
When touch wasn't taboo
When love seemed possible
I cried because I gave it up
I couldn't love her
I promised
I told her I was different
I really believed it
I threw her away
Her drama was too much
I thought I could get better
I justified it by not giving false hope
I didn't say:
Let's be friends
I might love you some day
There's always a chance
I said:
We can never be
It's not you, it's me
I'm not ready for a relationship
I really did care
Mindless cliches lost in a broken heart
I thought I was different
I thought I was the nice guy
I was going to make it all better for her
I'm sorry
I miss what we could have had
Or maybe:
I just miss sex
I'm not the nice guy
Just a different method
To the same goal
Maybe I'm just another animal in search of satisfaction
I don't think so
Maybe
I'm sorry

So I just woke up from a dream that left me sad and depressed waking up from it. I dreamed that I was laying in a bed with K (the current crush thing that I know now doesn't give a damn about me) and I say something like "then I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms." Then I lean over and kiss her. It's just a basic kiss, though for someone that hasn't kissed a lot, it seemed amazing. In my dream, it was like I knew it was a dream as soon as our lips touched and I woke up feeling rejected and alone. I just feel so sad right now. Not rejected, just sad. I knew I was rejected and I know she's going after another guy, but I'm putting what little social life I have on hold right now waiting for K to decide that she likes me enough. Or more likely, she will probably never like me enough and I'm sacrificing my social life for nothing. So here's to first kisses, I hope if it does happen I won't feel quite this depressed. I'm sorry. Wait there's more of a dream coming back to me, it's me wandering around Salem dragging my blanket and looking for the bus station. Only when I get there, I have a car and I don't need a bus ticket. But before that I'm in a bar at a bus station and I have some money that I'm needing to gamble. Like there's an unnatural feeling forcing me to gamble. So I come across one of those pull tab machines like they have at bowling alleys, but it's busted open so they're all free. I pull them out and I see some big winners, but for some reason the next scene of the dream is me in V-Town hanging out with my friend and this girl from high school, (my lesbian friend who ended up in Iraq) is there too. I don't remember what happens from there and I think the kiss dream with K started the whole cycle of dreams.

All that and I still feel depressed over a god damned dream. Why can't we be more than friends? Because I knew that when I started the nice guy bit that it wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought that any attention from a girl was better than none, and I still kinda feel that way. Even if she is using me, at least she's talking to me. But now I realize that this is doomed to be unhappy. Like I've always said, I just want someone to hold. . . is that really so much to ask of the universe?

Either she doesn't know the feelings that I have for here are as strong as they are and she thinks that I'm just a nice guy, (ugh, what a horrible word that is, "nice guy") or she does know that I'm the one that thinks about her every day, the one that misses her when she's at work, the one that would hold her and hug her and make her feel like everything will be okay as long as I'm there (that's what she wants, she's told me that) and she's using me.

If the latter were the case, then she'd have to be malicious in her intents towards me. She would being all this on purpose. Maybe it's the optimist in me, or maybe the part of me that refuses to believe that anyone is ever bad, but I don't think she'd be doing this on purpose.

All these little signs from her that I grasp at are just gestures of friendship, I know it. I just want so much more than that, I want everything she wants out of a relationship but I think we're some how too different for it to ever work out. Just mindless excuses.

Then there's the part of me that hopes that she gets her heart broken by the guy that she's currently pursuing (the fact that she even tells me that shows how deep I am in the Friend Zone) and that I'm there to either pick up the pieces of her broken heart and make her better again, or to grind them into the ground so deep that she never loves again.

Nice Guys Finish Last

Of course they do. There are a million reasons why they finish last, try googleing the Ladder Theory. The trouble is, I don't know how to stop being the nice guy. Or maybe I do, but I just don't want to because that is who I really am. I just really like K, and I know being the nice supportive friend to her will get me nowhere. Past experience has more than taught me that . . . I don't know. I don't know why I'm letting myself get attached to someone that will never have me. I'm just setting myself up to get hurt and I've been hurt on and off since she came around. I'm full of all the cliches: we have such a deep connection, she's already told me that I'm a "great guy" and she called me "buddy", and I was the one that ran across town last night just to drop off something that she left here (she was baby sitting) and even though she gave me a quick hug I know when I'm in the friend zone. Still there's the part of me that can't help but hope, I don't know why I can't kill hope no matter how hard I try.

Wow, I'm so sick of being alone, I haven't been able to sleep 8 hours in weeks and my stomach won't keep anything down without a hour in the fucking bathroom later. I feel like I'm loosing control of so much right now, all I want to do is . . . That's a good question, what is all that I want to do? All I want is someone to occupy that big empty part of my bed. I want someone to hold in the middle of the night and I wake up feeling lonely. I want somebody to share all these amazing experiences with. I just want someone to be with me. Sometimes the loneliness just seems so overwhelming, no just the disappointment. Imagine the feeling of finding someone that seems exactly who . . . actually never mind. This is entirely too irrational. We just talked on the phone for a few hours. Normally that would have been enough. . . but it wasn't. That's okay. I just wish it was a clean rejection. A clean rejection isn't that bad, I mean I get to feel like I wasn't good enough, which I knew all along of course, and I get to know for a fact that myself isn't enough. Now that's a hard revelation. Myself just Inst good enough. I'm not even angry enough to rant on how I should have never let myself buy into the bullshit of "just be yourself and someone will come along." Well maybe I am, or I'm not I don't know. It's what I would consider the middle of the night and I just can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours in a week. This can't be good for me. I'm barely eating anymore even when I'm alone and high. Where is all this coming from? Stress? You wouldn't know that I was stressed talking to me last week. Last week was the most amazing week, of course I was still barely eating or sleeping so I guess physically it's not that different. Maybe that's why this hurts so much. I went from just an amazing high in life to the crushing instabilities. That makes sense and that actually makes me feel a little better. Wow, thank you weed. You just made everything a little better again. So the reason I'm feeling this so hard is because of all the ups of last week when I thought I was going to meet the girl of my dreams and my co-dependent side was thinking that all my problems would finally be solved. But I was so un-godly happy last week, like happier than I've been since the first week with A. I just wish all this bullshit made more sense, I just don't want to feel lonely anymore. Wait at this moment I feel slightly less lonely, but only because wake and bake is kicking in and I'm blogging. My blog is like having someone to listen to me in the middle of the night when I'm feeling scared, it's my unmoving should to cry on, it's where I go when the rest of the world just doesn't care anymore. Blog, if I can't love a real person, at least I can love you for always being there for me when I just wanted someone to listen. Thank you for being here for me through all of everything during the past 5 years. I love you. Wow, I really want to say that to someone. I have all these things I need to say a girl and I just want acceptance. What's weird is that I'm not very picky at the moment, I'd pretty much say that to any girl that came along if I thought she would accept it and love me for it. Maybe that's the trouble, to everyone else those are just words. No, I don't want to use that phrase, I don't want to use any phrase. I just want to lay back and relax for a few minutes. Who knows, maybe I'll feel up to trying sleep again. To no one and everyone: I love you, thank you for making . Wow, I just made a weird connection, maybe all this excess love is God. Maybe having all this love and nowhere to put it is exactly what God is. Or maybe that's just something lonely people say to make themselves feel better. Yeah that seems more likely. Fucking God, what an asshole for putting me through all this. Or maybe it's more of a test, if I can jump through just one more hoop, then God will finally reward me with true love. But people that believe that they're following God's plan just don't want to feel so insignificant, so they invent an all powerful God and pretend he's always there with them. Wow, God is something that was invented because of a person's fear of being alone. God was evolved. And this explains where God comes from too. You always ask if God created man, then who created God. Using the philosophy that nothing exists until it is perceived, then God created us during his non-existence because he perceived us. Then in our time of loneliness, when we feel like there's all this love to give, but no one to give it to, we created God out of necessity, we perceived God into existence. Therefore: Man created God and God created man. I'm not sure that I like that argument. But once again I'm feeling alone. It's weird the roller coaster of emotions that I've gone on the best few minutes. Alas, I'm off to parts unknown for lost adventures. (Or more likely another lonely day of sitting here in an empty apartment screaming at the universe to do something.)

Wow, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Somehow I thought that I was more than a fat slob, I thought that personality was somehow enough, I thought that a five hour phone call would lead to who knows what. Apparently I'm wrong. And it's not like I don't see it from her perspective, sometimes the attraction just isn't there. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from dating M, because I wasn't attracted to her and I couldn't deal with her drama. Somehow in all my amazing logic, I forgot that being rejected hurts. I forgot that it all hurts. I somehow forgot to tell myself to quit hoping for a while. I thought I'd changed. I thought I developed enough personality that it was enough to get girls. But it's more than just girls, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore. I don't know what came over me, but I was just damned confident. Or maybe just in my mind, but when it came to practicing the confidence I just couldn't do it. Now I could take this rejection a few ways. I could use is it an opportunity for self improvement. I could start walking and eating better. I could quit smoke and weed. I could give up so much of what has become my identity. I just don't want to smoke weed anymore. I want to loose weight and eat better. I'm sick of being broke. These are all noblethoughts of course, but when it comes down to it, I'm so afraid of being bored that I will do anything to occupy my mind so I don't have to sit down and think about my impending doom. Alas, I probably just need to sleep on it. I'm sure in the morning (whenever I get to sleep) it'll make more sense, or at least I can hide in a book all day tomorrow. I just hope I have enough to occupy myself. Maybe I'll start walking. I could walk to the duck pond, I could walk to Circle K, I could walk to 7-11 or all the way down Queen if I really got ambitious. I guess it's not too late to go for a walk now, but people in this town are weird enough during the day that I don't want to deal with them in the middle of the night. I don't want to stop typing. I know this is completing irrational. God I hate emotion, it complicates what could be a very academic pursuit. Love doesn't seem that complicated on paper, but when put into practice . . . I just don't want to stop tying because as soon as I publish this, I know I'll be alone all over again. When I'm typing it doesn't seem like I'm alone. At least I'm talking to something even if nobody ever reads this. I see her perspective. I'm not attractive enough and I was way, way too nervous around her. I close my eyes and let the emotions well over me and what it comes down to is fear. Fear that maybe I will really end up alone, fear that even if I don't end up alone it won't matter. Wow, I'm really thinking about death right now and it scares me. I really hope no one that I knows ever reads this, it's all so crazy. Who knows, maybe I am going crazy. Maybe we're all a little crazy and maybe it doesn't matter if we are. I'm sure nothing really matters, but I do know that being alone sucks and I didn't realize it because M came along, then the I went on a date with another M and I didn't pursue that because I was so sure that K would be something. I mean 5 hours on the phone, you really make a connection. Or maybe we did and it doesn't matter. A connection on the phone just doesn't translate to physical attraction. What really hurt was when she called me a "great guy." Well here's to all the great guys in the world. The guys that are always the friend and never more. The guy that bottoms feed and is happy with what he finds. I don't know. I'm just sad. I guess it happens and it'll go away in time. At least I know not to get my hopes up again for a girl that isn't a sure thing. Really when have I ever got the girl that I actually wanted? Even A, who I was desperately in love with was never my first choice, M was just someone to fill in the gap, but I wasn't attracted to her. Maybe I'll start seeing her again, at least that way I don't have to be alone anymore. Alas, I'm going to try to sleep, or at least get a light bulb for my lamp so I can read myself to sleep. Then there's the fear that this is all getting a bit out of my control I've been to high to realize it until now. I still don't want to quit typing I'm afraid that I won't be able to sleep. I haven't slept much recently, but I know I need it. Alas, I'll keep blogging for a while, or maybe not. If anyone could comment on this, I could really use some words of support. Thanks everyone.

Sex, babies, raising families, it all seems so primal. It's like if we're doing this and animals are doing this too, then maybe we aren't as special as we like to think. It seems wrong and unnatural to me, like death and birth. If humans have to go through all the same stuff that animals are going through, what makes us so special? I don't know why, but realizing all that we have in common with animals and the rest of life makes me feel uneasy. I say it's all so primal, but it's really because I'm scared. Because if humans have this much in common with the animals then maybe we aren't that special. And lately I've been deluding myself into thinking that something like God might exist (you notice, I capitalize it for the first time ever in this blog.) But if we have this much in common with the animals, then it makes sense that death is the same for all species too. So if we know that animals don't have an after life, then we should also know that there is no life after death for humans either. So the reason love, sex, babies, raising families, and all that stuff that we have in common with the animals makes me uneasy is because it actually reminds me of my own mortality which I've promised myself not to think about again until I'm 30. Interesting, I'm not sure where that leaves me except thinking about death instead of life and birth. But it was a fun train of thought to follow. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning?

So half way through the year and I've had two failed relationships. I've learned some valuable lessons, after this last relationship I realized that I shouldn't go for any girl that I can get, I should wait for something real. But I've been looking the past couple of days and I see potential dates and girlfriends everywhere, but I didn't see anyone that I could be satisfied with. I have all these ideas for the ideal girl and both A and M fit some of those. I want a shy girl who wants me more than I want them, or at least as much, who is out of my league but doesn't know it. I want a girl with no obvious physical flaws. M had the waddle neck and A had a big, lips shaped mole on her nose, but I think about that mole and I still feel something akin to love or at least closer to it than I ever got with M. I can still A in my arms. I really thought there might have been something there if I didn't fuck it up by getting too attached. Then I remember how much she hurt me, how I could never trust her even though she said that's all she wanted from me. How she laughed in my face when I told her I loved her. Maybe love has let me down and I want to give up on it for now. If only I had the same feelings towards M that I did towards A and A had the same feelings that M had for me, then I would be in love with the girl of my dreams and she would be in love with me. Wow, is all of this saying that I'm still not over A? God I hope not. I don't think that's the case, I know I'm over her . . . I just think I'm done with love too.

I am so pissed right now for no apparent reason. On the surface it's because my supervisor is useless and won't do her job, but I shouldn't be this angry over something like that. I just broke up with M (hence the two week absence of blog entries.) But that ended as civilly as it could have and it was my idea to end it. She wanted to move in after two weeks of dating (the idea came up less than a week into dating) and I couldn't do that. Plus all her fucked up drama with her "borderline personality disorder" and worse. I'm normally a fairly patient guy, I'm good with kids and customers, but with her I couldn't stand her long boring stories about nothing and she told the same stories over and over again. And yet, when I was away from her I missed her. Of course that only lasted until through the first five minutes of being around her. And she was such an annoying drunk. I had a few beers and I was just getting ready to get drunk and she was already staggeringly drunk, but you could tell most of it was an act. Of course she didn't act that normal when she was sober either. Really at this point, I don't even want a relationship. Not because I'm heart broken, but because I'm disillusioned. Two failed relationships in 6 months . . . I know I'm not the most persistent of people, and I'm not ready to give up on relationships, I just don't feel like pursuing them too actively at the moment. Wow, some of the anger has gone away, I think this might be some misplaced anger. Alas, I'm off to find something to do, anything really.

I had a dream where I met myself as a toddler. It was almost as if I were my real father in the dream. I came upon a group of kids, I asked them their names and none of them were me. Then I saw a little pudgy kid sitting by himself in the corner of the sand box and I asked him his name and he said "jason." But he said it with such little conviction that I have to type it without a capital letter. He looked scared and lonely, but when I said "hi" he smiled at me.



This might be because I'm still mildly hung over, but that seems like a significant dream. Especially the day after Father's day. Like it was a gift from my dead father telling me that he really did try to be my savior, or at least he wanted to.

"Love in any sense means complete acceptance of an other's faults. It means seeing somebody at their worst and loving them not despite it, but because of it. "

This is from my Aug 26, 2007 entry, right in the middle of the perpetual loneliness thing that I'm moving back into. Talking to Jamie today I realized that though A insisted differently, I really was in love.

Here is Jamie's definition of love:

Caa: You just know. You think of losing them and you want to hug them close and not let go ever and you get so scared that you end up clinging on too tight. that's how u know

Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe I knew it so well on an intellectual level that I knew exactly how I was supposed to feel and I felt it. It's like taking a drug for the first time after reading a big article on it first. How are you supposed to know what was really the affect of the drug and what was placebo affect. Wow, that's hilarious. I had placebo love for A. It really does make things seem less bleak. Sure it may be another 12 years before I find anything close to love again, but at least I know that was I lost wasn't my first love, just the closest I've ever come to it.

So I'm stuck at my grandma's all weekend because I'm a good grandson and my grandpa's in the hospital, and out of nowhere A texts me and says she's lonely tonight and she regrets a lot of things like treating me like she did. To be honest, last night I cried again because I miss her so much. So like the dumb ass, love crazed idiot that I am . . . I tell her that I don't regret anything, I have no hard feelings towards her and that I still miss her. I just sent her that text and I really hope she doesn't tear my heart out again. The thought of getting back together with her fills me with so much hope and happiness, I just want to have someone to hold. So far she hasn't responded to the text and I sent it a few minutes ago, so ugh, I'm so nervous. I know she was just feeling rejected for some reason and wanted to know that somebody out there still likes her, that's what I gave her, I hope she doesn't hate me for it. . . 10 minutes later she still hasn't responded so yeah she probably does hate me and just wanted to start things out slow with some flirting. I don't know. And now she says she misses me too. I'm really reluctant to get my hopes up again. Getting my heart broken once was enough, but to think that it might all be better again, that's all I've wanted since we broke up. So is it worth it? What if she doesn't really want to get back together, she just misses me as a friend? See, my hopes are up all over again. I'll keep this posted.

Blah, now I'm depressed all over again. My roommate issue's been solved, I have food in the house, and then I read A's myspace entry about being in love with her new guy . . . and my mood plummets into nothing. I'm so depressed, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and let the world pass me by, but no, it's not that kind of depression. I'm lonely. When all the weed is smoked and all the money spent, all I'm left with is lonely. And lonely I am, my God! I did not miss this feeling at all. Is it better to have loved and lost? At this moment, I'm going to say no. The opposite of loneliness is so much better than I could ever imagine when I had never been anything but lonely. It's like asking a soul who has always dwelt in Hell and never known Heaven if they want to into Heaven. Then only opening the the gates long enough to show them what they're missing before sending them back down to Hell. It's just that bad. And I am just that fucking lonely at the moment. I'd cry, but I'm done with that. I just want someone to hold.

Wow, a morning of temporary optimism. Maybe I'm still a little high from last night, maybe it's because I'm finally full (before last night I'd been eating out of cans all week) or maybe it's because I'm doing something about my roommate situation, I don't know but in this moment I'm feeling okay, really for the first time since me and A broke up. I have a little (very little, lol) money in my pocket and I have a plan B if my search for a roommate doesn't work out. I don't really have much more to say than that, but I just wanted to get this happiness down before it goes away. Alas, I'm off to work in a good mood for the first time all week, I really hope this lasts.

Hey everyone. I don't have a lot of time to write before work, but I am too depressed to move at the moment. I don't know, I'm just down. There are plenty of reasons for it, but I just can't seem to get happy at the moment. Anyways, I'm off to work, hopefully seeing all those people who fake civility while they secretly hate me will make me feel a little better. Hope your day goes better than mine started out.

I have a good rant building up in me about Sex. I know I've been there before, but a physical relationship has changed my perspective on that too. Sex still seems dirty and private and intimate and special, I don't think it's something that should be taken or given lightly. The thought of just calling someone for a night of random sex seems fundamentally wrong. Sex should be special damn it!

This rant comes from the fact that I was having the obligatory civil conversation with my ex while working next to her at work, and as soon as I get a call she turns around and tells her friend how she called her fuck buddy (she didn't say that, she used his name) the night before and told him to come over, she needed some company. I know, a month out of a two month relationship I shouldn't care, but I would be just as disgusted if anybody told me that. I'm not a puritan, or even conservative, but sex is so emotional, that it shouldn't be just some physical need to be satisfied. That's what you have yourself for. Ugh, this entry didn't quite turn out like I thought it would and this may be deleted, but for now that's what I have on Sex.

An irrational confession:

I still miss my ex. She was my first serious girlfriend and I thought I could forget about her just by falling back into my old habits, but it's just not working. She changed something in me so deeply that sitting around and smoking weed for the rest of my life finally seems pointless. I'm trying to replace her with another girl, but I'm just not attracted to her like I was to my ex. I'll be sitting on the couch with this new girl and then for no reason I just can't help but think about my ex. I know it's my fault that it ended, I just couldn't trust her. And to be honest, if it came down to that ultimatum again, I would still tell her that I would rather her not hang out with her ex-fuck buddy. And I guess that's where I have to draw my comfort, in the end . . I was right. But that still doesn't help me forget her when I'm sitting on the couch with the new girl. It seems that no matter what I do, I always remember all the good times that we had together. They told me it would get easier, and maybe it has, but it's just like quitting cigarettes: the pain goes away after the first few days, but the desire never does. I guess like death, there's nothing you can do about so why think about it, right?

And a quick PS to the anonymous commenter from my last post. . . if you ever read this again, send me an e-mail, you seem intriguing.

So I've been looking more closely are real relationships and I've come to an unacceptable conclusion. There is no 100% loyalty . . . every relationship that I've seen has points of tension over past relationships. It always seems like the girl wants to talk to or hang out with their exes in one way or another, in my irrational opinion, this is completely unacceptable. TV had this right, girls can never be just friends with guys, to a guy a girl who is a friend is just a girl you haven't fucked yet. So based on that logic, every time your girlfriend hangs out with another guy who isn't already in a relationship there is the potential for cheating.

It seems to me that once you're in a relationship you should give up all contact with your exes no matter if they're your "friends" or not, even if it just to make your current bf/gf feel better. It seems like if you really cared about the person you're currently with you'd never, never do anything that would give them real reason to doubt.

And another thing while I'm on the subject of relationships . . . . Why has everybody that I've talked to had a fuck buddy? It's all the good parts of a relationship but none of the bad. This relationship seems pretty ideal and I don't know why I'm missing out on it. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired

So I'm back. For better or worse, this blog continues. I thought that once I had a girlfriend the would make sense, that I wouldn't need this anymore. Now that the relationship is over, and at least for the moment I've finally accepted that there's no going back, I am ready to write again. I don't know what I have left in me, but I know there's going to be a great entry on whether or not it is really better to have loved and lost. Right now, I'm not so sure. I know that it's a lot more complicated to have loved and lost than to have spent the past two months buried in a sack of weed. I guess there are some good memories, but they all seem to be tainted with questions. "What did I do wrong?" "What can I do to make it all better?" "Will it be another 22 years before I find someone like her?" Who knows, maybe those will go away and in a few months or years, I can look back on those memories and smile. I can't help but wonder if this is what my real father felt for my mother. I mean he left her when he heard of me, but what if he regretted it for the rest of his life and finally gave into the bottle? What if he became a social recluse because he couldn't deal with the pain of lost love. Or maybe I'm romanticizing this entire situation. I don't know. Alas, I'm off to work and it 9 long hours I'll be back and I'll get to hind within the womb of messy apartment and let the world go on around me as I let my problems drift away on a haze of smoke.

If nobody likes the real me should I change who I am? Is the person that I call the real me anything but a lonely little looser of a high school reject that never really grew up? I don't know whether I'm staying with her because I'm afraid of feeling lonely, she says she wants to


A month and a half Later . . .

The only reason I'm publishing these half thoughts, is because I have a delusion of someday being famous and this blog will be the chronical of my assent to greatness or my slow, painful decent into madness. At this point, I really don't know.

To describe the last three weeks would take weeks, so that's not what I'm going to do today. Today I have an interesting observation and am looking for some perspective on it. So today I woke up in a near panic about my finances, not a huge deal, I do that at least once a month or so. But I turn over and I hug my girlfriend, looking for just a little bit of comfort. She hugs me back and I go off and shower. But when I get back from my shower, I have a mask on. It's like I show a bit of true vulnerability and then I have to compensate for it by acting ultra happy and optimistic about the day, even I knew it was fake and usually I'm completely unaware when I put on my masks. Alas, I am now at 34 hours without a cigarette, I always told myself that I would never quit for a girl, but now here I am. It's like giving up my old best friend so my new best friend will be happy. I miss cigarettes, they were always there for me. From my most shining accomplishments (graduating Job Corps and being promoted to senior, and meeting A) to my darkest hours, from boredom to frustration to sadness and madness, they were always there for me when I had to put the wool over my eyes and delude myself. Now they're just gone. It's not that I miss the nicotine part, I miss having something to do with my hands when I'm nervous. I miss the feeling of my lungs tightening up on that first drag of the morning.

So last night was bad, really bad. She wants me to back away, even though she was the one to assure me without any doubt that it would always be okay. She says she still wants to be together but somehow I doubt that. I don't know. I guess I knew that it wasn't going to last long, and I didn't do enough to keep it together. Who knows, maybe I am destined to be alone, maybe it's my fate to

Alas, my blog continues to be refuge of honesty. Tomorrow is going to be our one week mark. It's weird how insecure I still am. Every time she's away from me for any reason, I feel insecure. Now to voice these insecurities would be to give them life, let's just say that, I just don't know. They're these faceless insecurities that still won't go away. We haven't spent a night apart since the first date, if I get this insecure when she's in the next room, I can't imagine how it will be when we spend out first night apart. And all the while, I ask myself if I'm not falling into the Ferris Buheller trap. Ferris Buheller said in the end of the movie that his friend was going to fall for the first person who fell for him, and because he had idealized relationships for so long he was going to worship the girl who finally gave him one. And he said that a relationship based on worship will never work out. What if I'm falling into that trap? I don't know.

What the previous post doesn't talk about is the tremendous amount of insecurities a relationship comes with. No matter how much I'm assured, I am so afraid that I will get hurt. Am I being used for my apartment? Please, I don't want to come out of this in a week with a broken heart. For a long time I used to wonder if there was any truth to that shakespear quote "'tis better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." Now I know that no matter how bad loneliness was, it's nothing to the fear that I'm feeling that it will all end. I'm not even sure how much I like this girl, but I know that I love a relationship. All those years that I shied away from touch are making being


Later . . . .

I don't even want to read this half thought. It's unhealthy how much I obsesses over this relationship when she has so obviously moved on.

Wow, what a difference a week makes. It's been a movie like love story, basically the first date was Wednesday night this is the first time we've been apart for more than 10 minutes since then. Right now she's at her second job until 10 tonight but then I pick her up for a late dinner. Let me tell you relationships are nothing like TV or books, but right now I'm trying not to think about the details, I'm just riding on pure instinct at the moment. Amazing that a week ago I was contemplating suicide or at least moving, now I'm happy just to live in the moment.

I used to say
That I was too afraid
To do it.
Now I'm not so sure.
I have a plan.
It won't be much of
Of a Mess.
People will miss me
They'll get over it.
I used to blame it
On the girls
Who said No.
It's all my fault.
I'm the one who chose
Loneliness
Isolation.
It's becoming
Unbearable
I can't spend
Another weekend
Alone
Staring at the walls.
Praying to a God
Who can't exist.
Somebody call me
Anybody.
I just want to talk
Sleep gives me relief
What would it be like
To Never wake up?

As I'm sitting in my apartment after a solid 26 hours of solitude literally crying because of the loneliness that I can't escape any more, I decided to see if there were other's blogging about loneliness and it turns out there are, here's a couple of paragraphs from a blog that I found (here's the link: http://www.ochuk.com/?p=873, again the following this is not my writing:

"Loneliness and sexuality are deeply related. Far from being simply bodily functions or “cravings of the flesh” our sexual natures are tied to the inexplicable longing to be with someone else. This is why the antidote to the poison of loneliness manifests in such crass expressions as “hooking up” and “making out” and “getting laid.” At least with girls and boys sex is the most obvious way people can be “part of each other” though this is seen with boys and boys and girls and girls as well.

The decisive issue in all of this is the state of being known. While being with another is fundamentally important it is not the key to feeling recognized. Recognition is at the heart of the matter, being seen, understood, accepted, and loved without the constraints of arbitrary conditions. This is what the human heart longs for in its search for companionship. "

Okay, this is me again. These paragraphs make loneliness seem so quaint. They say all that you have to do to end loneliness is get laid. How easy that sounds. But there is something fundamentally wrong with me. You know, I responded to a personal ad, and the girl actually said that she didn't want to talk to me because she wasn't attracted to me. The polite thing would have been to just not reply, but know, she had to rub it in my face that I'm fat and ugly! At least I'm not crying any more, so I think I'll try to sleep, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I won't be alone.

Three months later . . . .

I really understand those passages now. It's weird reading my reaction then and my reaction now. Loneliness was so intense back then, it was raw and uncorrupted by love. Now my loneliness feels more like resignation than a desperate need to feel what everyone has already felt. Maybe that's it. Before, I just wanted a relationship because everyone else has had one and I didn't want to feel left out. I wasn't prepared for the emotions, and they were all new emotions that I never knew existed. Right now I'm just afraid I will never feel those emotions again. I still want a relationship as bad as ever, just now for different reasons.

Another weekend alone with nothing to do, the perfect ending to another week with nothing to do. I'm doing okay on my New Years resolutions, at least the quitting weed on. This is day 4 without weed and I'm doing fine. I don't really have much of a desire to smoke, I know that by quitting for a month or so I'll be able to find another job. I'm not sure that I want another job, but I know there's definitely something wrong with how I'm living my life now. Maybe getting a new job in a new town will fix it all.

I know my writing's been boring lately, but does anybody even read this any more? I'm not sure what keeps me writing except for the vague hope that someday I might be famous for something and this will document my decent into madness or assent to greatness. Or maybe I'm not destined for something more. Here's hoping that your weekend is better than mine.

New Years Resolutions 2008

1. Quit smoking weed long enough to find another job
2. Quit Smoking cigarettes
3. Loose 100 lbs, that will get me close to where I want to be
4. Move to Eugene to start over again, who knows, make the grass really is greener (ha ha, I made a pun)

I know I will probably fail at all of those. This time next year I'll be writing an entry about how much it sucks to spend another New Years alone. I'll be another 50 lbs heavier dreaming about how good it felt to be 300 lbs. But who knows, I might find the motivation somewhere to achieve these goals. The question that I keep asking myself is this: Do I really want to start all over? Is change okay for the sake of change? Maybe I should get this life together before I try to find another one. I don't know, but I am running late for work, so Happy Fucking New Year!