Wow, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Somehow I thought that I was more than a fat slob, I thought that personality was somehow enough, I thought that a five hour phone call would lead to who knows what. Apparently I'm wrong. And it's not like I don't see it from her perspective, sometimes the attraction just isn't there. Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn from dating M, because I wasn't attracted to her and I couldn't deal with her drama. Somehow in all my amazing logic, I forgot that being rejected hurts. I forgot that it all hurts. I somehow forgot to tell myself to quit hoping for a while. I thought I'd changed. I thought I developed enough personality that it was enough to get girls. But it's more than just girls, I thought that maybe I wouldn't be alone anymore. I don't know what came over me, but I was just damned confident. Or maybe just in my mind, but when it came to practicing the confidence I just couldn't do it. Now I could take this rejection a few ways. I could use is it an opportunity for self improvement. I could start walking and eating better. I could quit smoke and weed. I could give up so much of what has become my identity. I just don't want to smoke weed anymore. I want to loose weight and eat better. I'm sick of being broke. These are all noblethoughts of course, but when it comes down to it, I'm so afraid of being bored that I will do anything to occupy my mind so I don't have to sit down and think about my impending doom. Alas, I probably just need to sleep on it. I'm sure in the morning (whenever I get to sleep) it'll make more sense, or at least I can hide in a book all day tomorrow. I just hope I have enough to occupy myself. Maybe I'll start walking. I could walk to the duck pond, I could walk to Circle K, I could walk to 7-11 or all the way down Queen if I really got ambitious. I guess it's not too late to go for a walk now, but people in this town are weird enough during the day that I don't want to deal with them in the middle of the night. I don't want to stop typing. I know this is completing irrational. God I hate emotion, it complicates what could be a very academic pursuit. Love doesn't seem that complicated on paper, but when put into practice . . . I just don't want to stop tying because as soon as I publish this, I know I'll be alone all over again. When I'm typing it doesn't seem like I'm alone. At least I'm talking to something even if nobody ever reads this. I see her perspective. I'm not attractive enough and I was way, way too nervous around her. I close my eyes and let the emotions well over me and what it comes down to is fear. Fear that maybe I will really end up alone, fear that even if I don't end up alone it won't matter. Wow, I'm really thinking about death right now and it scares me. I really hope no one that I knows ever reads this, it's all so crazy. Who knows, maybe I am going crazy. Maybe we're all a little crazy and maybe it doesn't matter if we are. I'm sure nothing really matters, but I do know that being alone sucks and I didn't realize it because M came along, then the I went on a date with another M and I didn't pursue that because I was so sure that K would be something. I mean 5 hours on the phone, you really make a connection. Or maybe we did and it doesn't matter. A connection on the phone just doesn't translate to physical attraction. What really hurt was when she called me a "great guy." Well here's to all the great guys in the world. The guys that are always the friend and never more. The guy that bottoms feed and is happy with what he finds. I don't know. I'm just sad. I guess it happens and it'll go away in time. At least I know not to get my hopes up again for a girl that isn't a sure thing. Really when have I ever got the girl that I actually wanted? Even A, who I was desperately in love with was never my first choice, M was just someone to fill in the gap, but I wasn't attracted to her. Maybe I'll start seeing her again, at least that way I don't have to be alone anymore. Alas, I'm going to try to sleep, or at least get a light bulb for my lamp so I can read myself to sleep. Then there's the fear that this is all getting a bit out of my control I've been to high to realize it until now. I still don't want to quit typing I'm afraid that I won't be able to sleep. I haven't slept much recently, but I know I need it. Alas, I'll keep blogging for a while, or maybe not. If anyone could comment on this, I could really use some words of support. Thanks everyone.