This is it! Who knew that it would come down to a single act of impulse? A single act of revenge. What I'm about to do I'm doing because of . . . never mind, damn you blog for taking me from the edge of suicide again. Fuck you!

It's been so long since I've cried sober. But right now I woke up on the edge of tears. I am so lonely right now, and I know I have no right to want anybody right now because I'd be nothing but a burden to them with all my issues. I just want to crawl into bed, but the covers over my head and hide from the world. At least in my dreams I'm never alone.

Decisions, decisions, decisions . . . where am I going to live? I'm not sure what my gut is saying, I don't know where my heart is in the situation, logically it's an even split. It's only in the irrationals that my indecisiveness lies . . .

I still hate. God do I still hate. I wish I could love half as much as I hated. But I can't. I've been wronged by so many people lately that all I can feel anymore is hate. I can't forgive right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive. I'm just not strong enough. I miss my friends. But I pushed them away. I promise to be a better friend, a better son, a better brother. Not conditionally, just because it feels good to be good sometimes. I just want to feel a little bit better about life, but I can't. Even as I'm writing this, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

With this shot, I officially succumb to alcoholism . . .

I remember a time when drinking 6 or 7 shots of whiskey (alone, btw) would have gotten me drunk, now I'm just bored. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

People are what we perceive them to be. When I look at someone, namely my mom, I see them as everything they've ever done, not who they really are. Hence me reverting to the kid when I lived with my grandparents. The point is, when I can stop seeing people are all that they've done instead of who they are now, then I'll finally be able to move on with my life. When I look at them, I don't even see them anymore, I only see the reflections of the worst and best in me.

I am so scared this morning. Change is being thrust upon me just as it has been for months now and all I want is someone to make it all feel better. I know that no one person will ever be able to make it all better, but that's what I want right now. A hug, a few kind words, I've used up all my friends. I still miss Amy, and Grant and Whitney, even though they hurt me so much, I still miss them. I know that they can't make everything or anything better, but everything's changing and I'm scared damnit. I don't want to drink, I don't want to smoke, I don't want to do anything like that, I just want to . . . I don't know what I want. I want . . . I want . . . Well maybe I don't know what I want, and since I don't know what I want, maybe I should focus on what I need. I never really ask myself that question.

I need to get out of debt, I need to get my licence back, I need to get my own place, I need to get a better job. In the immediate future, I need to get ready for work. I need to go to work and not think about all the stresses in my outside life. I need to concentrate on work no matter how mundane and consuming it is . . . Blah. Now I have a head ache. I just want a magic pill that will make all of life's problems go away.

I dreamt all night of a post apocalyptic world akin to the "The Stand". I held a dying Bill Clinton in my arms as I told him America was dead and I watched the Whitehouse burn to the ground. Also, I'm pretty sure I died at least twice last night . . . just wanted to get that dream out there before I lost it.

Crisis of confidence - or a failed exercise in self promotion

So I realized tonight that I once again have zero self confidence. I feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit looser and I have no idea why I still have the friends that I have. So instead of dwelling it as I usually do, I'm going to do something radical and selfish. I'm going to spend five minutes writing about what an amazing person I am and you get to watch . . . so here I go the timer's set.

I am an incredibly friend. I will always be there for anyone without asking what's in it for me. I always have good intentions even if good intentions really do pave the path to hell. I can type fast. I have a passion for the written word that is uniquely me. I make a mean soup and I have to say despite the fact that I smoke so much, I think I have really good tastes. Tastes in food, taste in books, great tastes in movies. . . . I can't think of anything else to write, what else is good about me? I always work as hard as necessary and I'm able to take the lead when necessary. I'm kinda cute. I'm a good writer. I'm running out of ideas. I don't know what else to say. I can't think of another good thing about me. I still have a minute and a half left. I give up. I thought this would work, but it just didn't.

Just to expand this experiment, I'm going to repeat the exercise saying what is bad about me. This may hurt, but maybe getting it all out will help me see as a whole what I'm only seeing as fragments now. So here it goes, five minutes:

I'm fat. I have bad teeth. I drink too much. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm pushing my family away. I'm a looser. I'm a user. I'm a disappointment to my family. I'm prone to being used. I drive a crappy car. I work for minimum wage saying that it's making me happy, but really constantly guessing myself the entire time. I'm fake. I'm needy. I'm a drain on society. I bring people down when I'm down. I'm either paranoid or I'm positive that people talk about me behind my back pretty much all the time. I don't dress good enough. I'm about to go to court in two days and I have no idea what's going to happen to me.

And that's the point that I needed to get to. The reason I feel like such a piece of shit looser mother fucker who deserves nothing but rejection and humiliation is because I'm so worried about going to court in two days. I am so afraid that I'm going to end up in jail, I don't think I could handle it. Maybe I can and maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will be finally fulfilling my destiny that I layed out for myself oh so long ago when I decided that I'm probably going to end up in prison before I'm thirty. I don't remember coming to that conclusion . . . is it yet another thing I can blame on my mother? Do I really want to?

Maybe I just need to get away. Find myself. Even if what I find is a slightly more reserved me than what I was.

That's another point that I go to earlier, I've been trying to find who I was when everything was going good. I have no idea how I was different, but I was. The best thing to do is to replicate as many of those conditions as possible.

I really need to address my drinking. I have to decide for myself if I am an alcoholic or just immature? Would it really make a difference? I can't drink recreationally. I know that I can't have fun without it anymore. This sucks, I did meth for six months and I kicked it and alcohol is what does me in? That is what brings me down? That's kind of bullshit isn't it? I mean at least it could have been a harder drug, then I would have gotten more sympathy. When someone gets addicted to heroine or meth, then it seems there's a certain understanding that because those are so addictive that it's understandable that they got addicted to it. With alcohol, most people can control it, I can't. Period. I always have to drink to the point of blackout or not at all.
So does that mean I have to stop period or do I just need learn to control it? That's the question of the day I guess. And actually a question for another day. That is something that I'm going to have to think on.

I wish I had a better ending for you tonight. There was no huge revelations . . . I just put some pieces together that were missing from my view of the world. Will it help knowing the problems now? Maybe a little, and if it even helps a little, it was worth it because nothing else is.

Zoloft Diaries

I know it's going to be hard for everyone to accept that I'm going to change overnight. But the fact is, that I am. It's just that simple. I take this magical pill, and the world seems like a less threatening place. Sure that means headaches in the afternoon and decreased sex drive, but people seems to like me better, so I'm making a sacrifice for my friends and family. I just wish some would appreciate that more.

I know that I was an asshole before, I knew it while it was happening, it just took me a while to make the connection between quitting Zoloft and the collapse of my life from the ground up. I'm not saying that none of that would have happened anyway. KT would have still cost me my job and BTW, I still hate them more than I've ever loved anyone. I wish KT NO harm, but I don't think I would be hugely disappointed if Karma finally caught up with them and KT ended up homeless on the corner, addicted to meth, begging for quarters. In fact, I think I might have to stop by and spit on them if I did find them in such a predicament. I wish them no harm.

Today is not the day for me to be watching any movies, I'm sick of seeing romance. Lonely never changes. But I've made a decision and that's what's keeping me going today. As soon as I get the chance, I'm going to put myself back on Zoloft.

I didn't like it much, it made it so I could play the game, but I could never finish. I'll know what the means later, so it doesn't matter that you don't. But now that I'm off of it, I can't seem to get into the game at all, so I'm stuck on the sidelines watching. But the important thing is, people seemed to like me more when I was on Zoloft. My depression I can deal with, it's a security blanket.

Depression justifies a lot. It justifies whining to everyone until they just don't care anymore. It justifies spending entire weekends holed up in a room on a computer crying at whatever gets through my oh so thin skin. It justifies making rash decisions in the name of happiness. But it pushes people away.

It makes me unpleasant and I know that it does. Zoloft, for whatever reason, made people like me. And that's what I've always wanted. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted people to actually look forward to seeing me. I've always wanted to turn down invitations and decide what I want to do with my night instead of always having to initiate the contact with people.

I don't know how I was acting differently on Zoloft than I am now, not exactly. I have some vague idea of what I was doing differently, but I can't really pinpoint anything. Like those find the difference puzzles. But hopefully that will be the first step in my salvation.

For now, I spend another weekend wrapped up in my depression and maybe I'll make an effort, and maybe I won't. I just know that today, suicide is only a comforting thought and not a real option because I have just a little ray of hope, and that's all I really need.

Blah, I gotta deal with my family today. They hate me and I hate them, but way too often I we have to get together and pretend we like each other. It's a lot of bullshit if you ask me. Why do I have to be nice to these people that I don't like? Because they're family that's why. I don't want to do anything except tell these assholes off, but I'm not gonna. Instead I'm going to smile and laugh at their "good natured" insults. And I won't bring up the fact that my step dad hit on my cousin, or my cousin is a pedophile when they bring up the fact that I'm such a fat, lazy, piece of shit, poor excuse for a human being. I won't bring up the fact that my mother is a murderer or my sister's a looser who can't get a job when they're degrading my choices in life or saying in their own passive aggressive way that this family has seemed to perfected: "Why are you eating so much?" or "I've lost fifty pounds . . . ".

Why is there so much hate and resentment towards everything built up in my recently? Where is my happy? I'm not even looking for Happily Ever After anymore, at this point I would be content with one of those moments where I stop and say: at this moment, life is good. I haven't had one of those since I lost my job and my apartment. I just want happy for a little bit. Please God, just a moment of happiness today is all I need to get me through the next few weeks, months of the Hell that has become my life.

I hate kt, I hate kt with all that I am and all that I have to hate. If I could feel this much burning passion about anything else in life, I'd be a success. Throughout the past few weeks I'd like to think that I've grown and I've purged, but my hate for kt, only burns hotter and longer. I hate kt for what it did and what it didn't do. I blame it for the loss of my career. It doesn't get credit for anything except for ending what could have been my happily ever after of jobs. Now that I'm off on a new adventure, if I find success, then great, I'll still hate kt. If I hit rock bottom and die an early death, I hope my last words are not of love to my family but maybe of forgiveness to kt. Not likely though. If at some point I do take that plunge off of Cape Perpetua, don't worry, you'll read it here before I do, then my last written words on this earth may be of my hate of kt. May my last thoughts be of love and what I'm saying goodbye to, but my last written word be of my hate of kt, and which point, all will know what kt is. My last entry will hold back no names, there will be no doubt about who finally made me say goodbye.

And YES I am being melodramatic, but this is MY blog and I can cry about whatever I want to. And right now, I want to say again that I hate kt more than I've ever hated any single thing in my life. Kt is responsible for me loosing my job. Period. As a disclaimer, I wish no harm to kt. But this is America and if the KKK can hate blacks and Jews and gays, then I can hate kt. And I do. But I hate kt more than the KKK hates all that they hate. I hate kt more than Hitler hated the Jews. I hate kt more than Bush hated homosexuals and more than Cheney hated America. And to paraphrase "Hook", I hate, I hate, I hate KT! I wish kt no harm.

I hope that kt feels bad for what it did, but I'm almost positive that it's proud of itself. I wish kt no harm. Even though I've forgiven the boss that fired me and I've forgiven myself for all the little things that I did to help myself get fired, I even forgive those responsible for me loosing my apartment, and I certainly forgive the dick that got me put in jail, I cannot and as far as I can tell, will not ever forgive kt. I wish kt no harm. But I will never, ever stop hating KT!

The good thing about being unemployed is that I'm not constantly obsessed with Happily Ever After. Now that I have absolutely nothing to offer the opposite sex, it's almost easier to accept that I'm going to be alone at least for the time being.

Finally I get here and I can spill my guts. So a lot has happened in the past week. A lot that I don't want to go into. If you know me well enough then you already know what happened, if you don't know and you care enough, e-mail me to ask me: jwfeller@gmail.com. Right now I want to talk about how sick I am of these fronts. I lost my job, I ended up in jail, and I may be loosing my apartment all within one week. I'm now almost broke, and even though I have all these elaborate plans and contingency plans and back up plans for the contingency plans, I'm scared. That is what I cannot tell anyone, because if they know how damned scared I am, they wouldn't be able to do anything and they would just tell me with a superior grin on their faced that they told me so. I don't want to be lectured about what I should have done, I don't want to be reminded that this shouldn't have blind sided me like it did, I know that I should have seen this all coming and honestly I kind of did. But I Am Scared. Period. There is so much of life that is now completely out of my control. Even though I have plan after plan after plan, they all end with me being in shelters. What if I can't find work? What if I don't get unemployment? What if I am evicted? How can I not but dwell on all of those all the time? I don't usually, but that's only because I keep myself occupied. I'm just scared because there's only so much I can do and even if I do all that I can, I'm still at the whim of the universe. Is any of this story unique? Of course not. But it's the first time I've been through all of this. I'm so ready for bed, maybe this will all make more sense tomorrow. Doubt it.

The reason it hurt so bad when Jenn said that she was uncomfortable around me is because the reason she said she liked me is because she felt safe around me. Not a long thought, but I was watching Greek and that popped into my head after tears popped out of my eyes, ha ha.

Oh faithful readers! It's been over a week since I've been kissed, and there was more, but it's the kisses that I miss. Call be girly, call me gay, call me what you will, but there's nothing like holding a girl in your arms and knowing that you're making life just a little happier for them. And yeah I should be happy when I do that for anyone, but the physical contact is what I crave. And maybe I crave it more than I should. I just really want to make somebody else's life a little better for just a moment because they are with me. And over the past couple weeks I've forgotten that. It's been all about me, all about what I want, and what I need. I've been selfish. What I need to remember over the next couple of days or weeks, no matter who I'm with or who I'm talking to, whether it be a customer or a friend or a lover, my mission in life is to make their life just a little bit better because they are with me. When I loose that mission, that's when I get selfish and push people away.

Once again blog, you have made things clear in a way that real life can never make it. I just hope I can remember this one. Goodnight world and thank you!

Jamie! I miss you sooo much, here's my new blog everyone: oblivionschild.tumblr.com . . . that's where some of my super secret non-work-appropriate posts are. And the slightly obsessive, mildly crazy stuff is too.

Anyways, my Kiwi-Angel, I just saw New Zealand on the news and I thought of you, hope you were okay. And randomly the change machine at work spit out a New Zealand quarter so another reason to think of you. Anyways, wish we had a chance to talk again, I know that some day I'll make it to New Zealand which recently made it to my list of places to see before I die, and then we'll sit back and you can show me the local culture. . . and you are so not chunky, you're the picture of beauty and very possibly the girl of my dreams . . .

Which leads me on another tangent. There is a girl that I don't know that keeps on showing up in my dreams and has been for years. At first, she was just the perfect kiss. In my dreams, she would be the one that kissed me and showed me that the spark does exist somewhere in life. I woke up with a sense of hope whenever I dreamed of her. I never realized that it was always the same girl. She's shorter than me maybe 5'3 or 5'4 with straight, shoulder length dark, dark brown hair and cream skin. She has smallish tits, and she's always dressed kinda conservatively or at least not slutty.

The other night, I dreamt that I was talking to a bum outside my work and he wasn't being very cooperative, and I was just trying to have a conversation with him. And she was just back maybe 10 yards watching. Just standing there making sure I was okay. So I'm thinking she's some sort of spirit guide or something, any ideas?

So I know this totally conflicts with what I said earlier but I think I have a chance to fuck a girl that broke my heart in high school . . . I was in love with her, she used me. . . now she's a single mom with a guy that doesn't put out enough . . . does this make me an asshole, yeah. Yeah I have feelings for the new girl, but she won't date me, and this does not affect that. This would put the 3rd notch in my belt and help me decide for sure whether or not I can handle a one night stand. . . of course it would make a cute love story . . . blah, I'm gonna go with it and see what I can pull off. Worst she can do is reject me again and I'm finally over that one after 6 years, lol

So yeah it's been a couple weeks and I confess I have a new secret blog for my private thoughts. These thoughts, not so private. First, I turned 25 in a blaze of glory and defeat. I have new friends and despite with those new and old friends say, I'm going against their advice and falling for someone that I probably shouldn't fall for. She's cute, she's smart, she needs me. Every other guy in her life, has used her for sex and then dumped her. She's had her heart broken. She says, I'm not her type, but I know I make her feel better. So if I'm not her type, I don't really care if she doesn't date me at the moment. For now I get a friend. And you guys know me, I don't do casual friends very well. For me, it's all of me or none of me and if you don't want all of me, break my heart early so it doesn't hurt as bad. And yeah, this may hurt in the end, but I don't care. I just want to make her feel better. Is she special? Honestly, I haven't really decided that yet, I don't know. Is she someone worth finding that out for? Defiantly. Here's to hope and heart break.

I love you readers. I don't know who you are, but you've read me through 5 years of my life. Through the ups and downs and ins and outs, you've been there for me. And even if I can count you all on one hand, then it's worth it. Because just like friends and lovers, if I can't have all of you, if you don't want all of me, then go away. I don't do casual.

Will this all be different if she's not as responsive tomorrow as she was today? Is the high that I'm feeling from today just her responding positivly to me for a change, or am I truly looking at life differently? We'll find out tomorrow, I have work to do tomorrow and I'll pay as little or as much attention to her as I want to and see how much fun we have. Of course she just admitted to Facebook stalking me, so, so much fun :)

In it for the game?

So yeah a lot’s happened in the past few day and I don’t really want to get into it because as emotional as it should have been, it really wasn’t. Well it was at the time, but at the moment it isn’t.

What I’m going to talk about is S, I’m playing a game with her. We’re flirting back and forth, she kinda likes me, I kinda like her and we’ll see where it goes. For now, it’s just a game and it’s fun right? I know that there’s a chance that I’m going to get hurt from the whole thing, but for now it’s fun and I know I can deal with it when the time to get hurt comes. I’ve dealt with it before and I’ll deal with it again I’m sure. For now, I’m not getting that attached, well I kinda am, but not as attached as I’ve been in the past, and who knows …

I really want to read this one later because when I get hurt or when I find my Happily Ever After, this is an emotional snap shot.

Me asking her out everyday is just me trying to establish myself outside of the friend zone, when I'm probably already there and even if I'm not, I still have a really sweet friend and I didn't know this yesterday or the day before, but at this moment I realize that's more than enough in life. I may not realize this tomorrow or the next day but at this moment, I am zen.

Within a circle of salt.

A symbol of past failure.

Purged from this earth

In the flame of creation.

I am bound no more.

She's fucking with me! It’s S. She messages me all day every day at work or at home and I love hanging out with her, but I’m obviously not her type! When she can get the big tough auto-mechanic guy named Korn, what the hell does she want with me? She could have most any guy she wants, well maybe not, but a hell of a lot better than me, and she’s playing with me like this. With every message from her, I get a little more attached, and yeah maybe someday she might be into me as something more than just a friend … at this point, I really would be happy with cuddle bitch even, I’m going to get hurt here and I don’t want to get hurt. I really, really, really, don’t want to get hurt again. I know that part of life is putting yourself out there to get hurt in the end, but please not again. I can’t take another broken heart. It took my so long to heal from the last one. I’m almost getting to the point where I can connect the dots between like/love and sex, almost. But sex be damned. I’m not that good at sex, sure at foreplay, but sex, I’m almost 300 lbs, how good can I be? I just really want someone to cuddle with. I don’t even need to make out, I want someone to hold in my arms. I need the physical contact.

But ugh! I’ve known from the beginning that I didn’t want to get attached to her, she’s outta my league, but she’s cute and she’s funny and she’s interested. And oh my god, she’s a red head. And this goes back to the old HS crush Theresa, I like her voice. There’s just enough raspiness in it to make my spine tingle every time she says good morning.

Phew, that felt good getting out. Maybe that’s why I’ve been obsessing over this, I’m afraid that I’m going to get hurt. That’s why I love to write shit down.

She thinks I'm cute!!! :D

So the game tells me that you shouldn't be too eager to hang out with the girl, make her want you more, etc. But I really kinda like this one and I made a calculated risk. She said, we should hang out again, I should have said something like, defiantly, or leave it up in the air. What I said was, what are you doing tonight? But what can I say, I'm over the nervousness, now I just want to spend some time with her. Yeah I like her, I'll admit it, now I think I'm confident enough in my new "self" to go with it instead of playing the game.

A used to say, be yourself. I didn't know what she meant, until now. Now that I'm missing A, god no. But I have found myself. The real me is part the fake confidence that I show at work, that seems to be working. It's part the insecurities I still feel inside. My past is part of the real me, but not as much as it used to be. I'm still the same old person that reacts that same way to the same things that always happen, but now I have new perspective. I know when I'm acting irrationally, and even though it doesn't always make things better, I still don't know how to fix the irrational responses, it's good to know when they're happening. I have had a real revelation here, but I can't seem to put it into words at the moment. There was no Ah Ha moment, it was a slow realization that people like me for who I am. The good and the bad. And as long as I can keep the bad in check, then maybe.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. Same feelings that I always feel. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to Marlee. Who knows maybe I was in love with her. But probably not. I don't know. It's all the same feelings, so what new do I have to say about it? The next step: loose weight and get a girlfriend. That is my next step to Happily Ever After.

I'm stuck in nostalgia at the moment and not the good kind. I've realized what I do to push people away before they get to know me, but now I'm starting realize that I also do stuff to push them away once they get to know and show that they care about me even a little bit. This is going to be a hard revelation, but once I get through it I know I'll be a better person for it. The process will not be fun.

A dream: I'm not sure why, but I'm on a planet and we have to get off or something. It all happens in the smoking area at work, and of course I have that force power that I always dream about where I can move things with my mind. For example, we towards the end of the dream somebody bombs the smoking area right before everyone is about to leave and I use my power to move things with my mind to pick a table off that girl of my dreams. We kiss goodbye just as she dies. And the whole time, it's like I know it's a dream or at least a book or something, because at one point I'm in the break room at work and Keith is there. I say something like, "it can't be over now, there's still a hundred pages left" and I hold up a book. I say somebody should die, it'd be a great twist, and I thought that Keith would make the perfect plot twist. Then I take a walk to Safeway and on the way I meet a little girl that's crying, and for some reason she's crying over a friend or family member that's hurt or something. It still has something to do with the leaving the planet thing. Anyways, I'm not sure why/how but I end up in a hospital room and I meet her sister, who is the "girl of my dreams". I end up being my empathetic self and we end up hooking up. Somebody dies and I give her a hug and then I kiss her on the neck and we end up making out. Then we're all getting ready to leave the planet, people bomb the smoking area which is the landing area and I end up saving her.

Now let's talk about the girl of my dreams. It's always the same girl in all my dreams. She's brunette, with long straight hair, skinny. She always dresses well and is totally into me, but without any distinct personality traits.

Feeling kind of down at the moment. I went to dinner with my parents last night and they said they were afraid I was going to die because I'm so fat. Now I know they were just being ass holes, but my self image was high at the moment and I was feeling good about myself, now I just don't. It sucks because I was feeling like a normal person for the first time in a very long time and I felt that Happily Ever After was just within reach if only I wanted to take the plunge. I wasn't sure who it was, but I knew it was there, now it seems so far away again. I hate them for that. I'll be better in a few days, but yeah I just wanted to get that out there.

So my friend's leaving me, sad :( But she'll still be around and where she's going isn't that far away. Anyways, now that my sure thing is no longer my sure thing, I'm in the mood for a new gf.

Of course I'm going to keep trying. What else is there to do? At least until I'm 50 when if I'm still single and have never been married, I will jump off Cape Perpetua at sunset and say goodbye the right way. Becuase if I'm going to die alone, I'm going to die alone on my own terms. But that's not for another 26 years or so. That's a long time, but at least in the end, I know it really will end one way or another. But I'm not suicidal at the moment, I just like having my out. Still this M thing is really bugging me. I don't want to run away from these emotions anymore, I'm just not sure how to deal with them. All I know is to run away.

Am I looking too much into this? She's way, way, way, out of my league, but I have to pretend that she doesn't exist so I don't clam up around good looking women like I always do. And yes M, the reason I never clammed up around you, you're not very good looking. From the neck down, you're beautiful. You have a great personality, you're smart, and I loved that you cared. But I never could look into your eyes and feel the butterflies. You just have a face that I can't be attracted to, just like I have a penis that you can't be attracted to (which must be a first for you). Sorry family if you're reading that part, but that's why she really rejected me. So if that's what you're talking about feelings, then yeah, we never did have those, or maybe we never were meant to be. But it was fun while it lasted. Alas, good bye to my sure thing.

Rejected by the sure thing. The more I think I change, the more I realize how much I haven't. There's a lot to say here, but it's all been said before. Feelings of abandonment. Was it really that there's no feelings or was it because of something physical? It's always something physical. As if I don't have enough to deal with in life with my complete lack of social skills, I have to deal with *that* too? So even if I get past the social skills thing as soon as it gets physical, they run away. And the one that didn't run away at first, ran away later. They always run away. Eventually. Yeah I'm going to pick myself up and try again, and again, and again. Eventually something has to give, or maybe I really will have to fulfill the pact. Of course that's for 26 years, so I have plenty of rejection to look forward too. I guess it makes me stronger, but the fact that I always had somebody out there that liked me made me feel like if all else fails, there's still her. And now there isn't. 26 long years of rejection to look forward to, 24 long years to look back on. Moments of happiness with long years of nothingness between. Here's to Happily Ever After, now just a little further away than ever.

They think I'm a thief. I'm not. They think I'm messy on purpose, so what if I am. It's not like I decided that I'm going to be messy just to piss them off. It's not like I wasn't messy before. It isn't anything new to them. Yeah it sucks living in a house where you I have to fear being screamed at at any given moment. They wonder why I'm never there? The worst part: I lost a really good friend. I defended her, and defended her. Until finally, I couldn't any more and then I did any way. The worst I ever said: "she's prego, what can you say?" I really hope that I get my friend back after this is all over. That's the hardest part of this. I think maybe I was deceived. I don't know. I don't know why I'm writing all this down except that I know everybody reads this from time to time and what I really want to say is the worst part of this whole thing is that I'm loosing my friend. I really hope by standing by them through this thing, then when it's all over we can be friends again. It really was nice having a family away from family.

First, read my last post. It's a deep one, a sad one, a mildly suicidal one. But what I wanted to say today is that the season finalee of Glee once again proves that I can cry at TV and movies when I can't cry at my own life. I haven't cried over my own life since Denise died. And before that I can't even remember. I feel like crying sometimes, but I just can't anymore. Sad.

Just a thought that I need to record because I know I won't feel like this tomorrow or next week or next year. My sister just graduated from high school today and instead of feeling proud of her, I feel jealous that nobody made this big a deal about my graduation. It was six years ago and I didn't make that big a deal out of it. When I graduated I was sad that I had four years to do it and I still didn't make friends or find a girlfriend. It took me another four years before I could really start to get over that failure. But today, I was jealous more than anything. Why didn't I get that much money? Why didn't my friends want to hang out with me on graduation? Why was nobody that proud of me? So what if I barely made it though high school, I still did it. I showed up at school for 12 years and even though I didn't do any homework in high school at all, I still managed to pass enough classes to graduate. I don't know what's with this self pity. Maybe it's because Happily Ever After is still beyond my grasp, and I can't be satisfied with what I have. I'm still thinking suicide more than ever these days. What a grand gesture it would be to take a plunge off of Cape Perpetua and say goodbye to the world? I make the pledge to you now. If I'm still single on my 50th birthday, I will. It's still 25 years away, but if I still can't find my Happily Ever After by then, I never will and saying goodbye while looking into a mid-winter sunset will be the best way to go. For now, I'll stick it out. At least I made good on my promise to my sister that I'd be at her graduation. That was the only thing that kept me going this week. If I do and I don't really think I will, it's nobody's fault but my own. My suicide will be to Lost Love and Failed Friendship. Nobody's fault except my own. You want to see my dark side, here it is. Do you like it? Of course you don't because you all want to see my happiness. My happiness is there of course, it's real when I feel it, but so is this darkness. The part of me that will never quite be happy with whatever life gives me, the part that sees happiness and knows how shallow it is, the part that sees Happily Ever After so close and spits in it's face because I'm still not good enough for it. To all that care, I love you back. To all that don't, I know you will someday. When I die, you'll all pretend to care, and then you'll slowly forget. I'll be just a story that you tell your friends, a day to remember and then to forget. I know my death will hurt a few people. Gabbie and Ally especially, Mom, Megan, Aaron, my entire phone list really and few that aren't on there. But I also know that everyone of them is strong enough to get over it. Besides, since I didn't end up in jail, that's what everyone expects of me at this point anyway. For now, I'm not really going to do it, I'm just sick of keeping it all inside.

I'm still alive. I don't necessarily want to be, but I'm here. Rejected again I guess maybe happily ever after really isn't for me.

While digging through some old boxes for books to read on my trip to AZ, I stumbled upon my old journal. I just need to say that I've come a long way in 7 years. Not as far as I would have hoped, but slowly, too slowly, I've matured. In 2003 I was obsessed over finding a girlfriend. I knew that it would make my life all better, I knew that all my problems would go away if I could just get over the hump of sex. I didn't know back then, but it would take another 5 years before I jumped that particular hurdle and when I did it was inevitably a disappointment. But I'm not here to talk about sex again. I'm here to leave a final note in the even that something happens on this trip and I never come back. It seems like I am still preoccupied with my own death. I just don't want to leave anything undone. Though come to think of it, I probably should because in all the movies, ghosts with unfinished business are the ones that get to linger. So maybe I should leave something completely unsaid. Sadly I have no deep thoughts to reveal today. Just that I never realized how much I've grown up in 7 years. Or that it's been 7 years. Have I really sacrificed a decade to weed? At least I have a more mature handle on it now. Alas, if I never write again, I want to thank everyone for reading. I know that nobody will have the sense to come to my blog and say goodbye for me. If I don't post again within the next month, then you can assume that I'm dead.

If I'm dead, then I hope you have some good memories of me. I hope that something that I've rambled about made something click in your own head and maybe your life is a little bit better because of it. If not, maybe somebody will read this when I'm gone and think, I wonder what that guy was like. I hope I've given you a good idea of what I was like.

Goodbye.

Cape Perpetua
onceuponamidnightdreary

Balh I'm bored, kinda lonely, vaguely anxious, mildly sad.

I think I can ask J out and I'm almost positive she'd say yes. The question is: should I? The answer is why not.

I just realized that I have a slight stutter that nobody's ever told me about.

Irrational fear.
Consuming all that is me.
Desperation's end.

Facebook keeps reminding me that it's Denise's bday. Sad.

God I love Busprione. One pill and my worries seem less intense and there's no high. Ahhh. The danger lies in apathy.

Test

Ha ha they weren't mad @ me it was all in my head . . . again?

Wow I don't want to be here.And it's too late to back out.

So I can't say this on Facebook so I'll say it here: HAPPY 4:20 EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

I'm finally at the point where I can talk to a girl and not think Happily Ever After. Yay :-)

So 6 weeks on Busprione taking only slightly more than directed and 2 weeks on Zoloft and all is good. Not stressing the small stuff is a HUGE relief.

Just saw From Hell. Hafta say it wasn't that good :/

Blah 5 hours left in my fast . . . the a buffet!

Is my Happily Ever After really out there? Or should I just give up and resign myself to divine obscurity?

Still I am hopelessly in love w/ A. She becons, I call. One night and I would show her what could have been. Still, friends forever.

"The Invention of Lying" once again proves that I can cry about movies because I can't cry about my own life.

Question for tomorrow: Why do I fear rejection and failure and is it excessive?

Is the fear of rejection or failure the reason I'm still single?

Was the fear of rejection or failure the real reason I didn't go to college? Not laziness or lack of encouragement?

Somehow having a family day is kinda depressing :-(

I should be able to satisft those needs myself, but I can't. I still desperatly crave recognition.

I still depend on others to satisfy my insecurites. I need praise and recognition from others because it's never enough to do something just for me.

Life is nothing more than satisfying needs and desires and avoiding fears and insecurities. I had potential, but I never grew up and now I don't know how to.

Faith conflicts with my view on reality. I feel that if I have it will be giving into my fear of death.

Just saw a rainbow over a church with a cross at the apex. Was it a sign? I don't think so, but it was pretty.

I'm not broke w/ no imediate prospect of being broke. I've made a decision not to do "that what must not be named". What's next, weight gain?

What's up with this? I'm have such low confidence today and I'm irratable. Why can't I find my zen and keep it?

Some times eating to excess makes my anxiety go up a little, other times it makes me feel better. Just an observation. And no more drinking coffee that late.

But now I realize that I just assumed everyone hated me.

I assume most people are mad at me unless they give me a reason not to think so. It's like I used to say: I hate everyone unless they give me a reason not to.

Sometimes I just have to thank God for my family and friends. I was feeling down and it was okay to look to them to make me feel better. I love you guys.Really.

Just learned today that I'm officially Not invited to K's wedding and they asked me to change my shift so someone else can go. I did. I hope it rains. A lot.

The entire time in my dream I heard whispers: don't tell Jason. All my insecurities in one dream. That sucked.

Had a dream that I couldn't wake up from where I was told that I wasn't cleaning enough, apparently there was a bathroom I didn't know about.

A moment of zen: I realized that I don't despise every customer that I talk to. That I don't have to try so hard to get people to like me. It can't all be bad.

I see you falling and keep getting back up. That's the part that I keep reading. Even as I write this, I'm nervous that responding so deeply will push you away.

I'm on the edge of epiphany and mystery commenter brought me closer. Even if I never know who you are, thank you for caring. It made me feel better about today.

Be the me that I am to my blog. That's who I really am. I was afraid that I lost the real me in all my fronts, but this is where I'm the closest to me.Thankyou.

Who was that person that commented the other day? A real person w/ a crush on me? Who am I not letting in? A teammate? C? K? M? Or T? Am I grasping @ straws?

Sometimes I'm such a fuck up. I didn't mean to. Damn it.

Nobody can love me as much as I need to be loved. It's unfair to expect them to. Needing them to just pushes them away. It's my burden to bare. Still I hope.

I just have this big void in me. Loneliness. Nobody can fill it except for me. If I let others get close, I push them in hoping they'll make it all better.

Every time I let them in, I dissapoint them. I have issues with attachment and I don't want to get attached and push them away when I need them the most.

I'm attention starved at the moment I shouldn't let that affect the way I act, I'll only end up pushing people away.

Awww Jamie, you're strong. If anybody can deal with that, it's you. Still, I wish I could make all your problems go away. Let's run away, I'll meet u in Guam:)

I'm starved for affection, filled with rejection. Sad, lonely, depressed. In other words, back to normal.

I'm starved for affection, filled with rejection. Sad, lonely, depressed. In other words, back to normal.

I still find myself thinking: I wanna go see Denise and realizing she isn't there in Newport waiting for me. RIP I still miss you cuz.

Why can't I ever do anything right? No matter what I do, I always get screamed at. It's not my fault, I swear.

M's rejecting me, so's A, the roommates are understandably wraped in their own lives and the family's busy. Why loose anxiety if it meansI have to find lonely?

I think I like sunrise better than sunset. One is the end of light, the other the start of something new. Besides, mornings smell better.

It sucjs disapointing Gabi, I'm so sorry. There was nothing I could have done this time, I swear. Remember this feeling on payday.

Sometimes I amaze myself. Giving the team credit for my idea builds credibility with the team and I still get the credit anyway. Genius!

Hello?

Ping

An afternoon to kill. A (very) little money, not tired enough to sleep, without the energy to do much more. Shit happens.

--
And I'm drivng w/ across town w/ a prego roommate, pray for me friends.

Too tired to look at my phone . . . things are moving that shouldn't be. Alas, one more time!

I'm at the hospital with Whit (roommate) for her ultra sound. Her bf had to work, so I'm here for her as she's been there for me. Yet still I fear her at times.

I am a thank you whore. I will do anything for a graciou thank you. My biggest flaw? Hardly my biggest, but close.

I'm bored, I'm not sure what I wanna do. Two days off inna row, what am I to do with myself?

Fmylife.com, textsfromlastnight.com, Facebook, Horoscope, E-mail, mugglenet.com. The order that I checked websites on a Saturday morning. A moment in time.

Am I so pathetic that even my own family doesn't want to hang out with me?

What's up with this? Nothing to cloud the mind in the past 48 hours and the world seems a dream. Lack of sleep, the new medication, a dream within a dream.

Remember: M is being a bitch, do not partake with R unless he contributes too.

Why is it that one conversation and a quick goodbye and I'm thinking . . . maybe she likes me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm pathetic, desperate, hopefull?

There's nothing quite like a cup of coffee, a cigarette and the haze of the night before lifting with the fog of the morning. Beauty in simplicity.

I spent a few days at the gparrents. They won't be around forever, if I have another 10 years with them I'll be lucky. And yet I have to let go and grow up sad.

I didn't drink and drive, but I've never been called a bloody anything so it might've been worth it, ha ha.

I. Will. Never. Drink. Again. I'm serious this time. I quit drinking from now till forever.

Every time I drink, I understand more deeply what a pathetic looser I really am. Good thing I don't drink very often, it's lonely.

I think I'm gonna do somwthimg stuoid and drive hime, we'll swe how it goes. Wish me luck everuone.

Caught between gay curious and desperate. Probably juzt desperate. I REALLY shouldn't drink like this.

Just a note, I started a new anti-anxiety drug 2 days ago. The American medical system definatly encourages hypochondriacs.

I am so mad right now, they wouldn't let me donate because of my minor anxiety issues. I was the classiest person in that shit hole.

Sitting here waiting to "donate" plasma. I passed the first test , and no UA. You know it's a low class place when I'm the best dressed in the joint. Haha.

That is the nicest thing anybody's said to me in a long time. One day, my Kiwi Angel . . .

Of course it matters Jamie. What's makes you less than okay? You mean a lot to me. I know one day you'll randomly stop commenting but I'll never forget you.

Give Chicago guns back? Constitionally they should have them back, but they're violent enough without giving the "good" guys guns too. Common sence prevail!

I can almost never enjoy the moment. I'm always worried about what's next or what was and never about what Is.

When X and Y clash, they contaminate each other and neither is effective.

This is why alcohol is legal and weed isn't. Its all about the initial effects.

X views the world as it should be. The world isn't against him, maybe he is normal. He can be loved. . in moderation. "Too much of a good thing" is X's peril.

Substance X's and substance Y's realities conflict. Y thinks everybody's against him, he's a step below everyone, he has no confidence. But it's all good.

My desire to be taken care of conflicts with my responsibility to be independent. Both conflict with my need for inner peace. And I'm alone.

Blah . . . now I'm sad. Comes with the territory I guess.

I was just reading about David the Gnome on wiki and it had a pretty heavy plot. It taught kids to be communists. And it was Spanish. Weird.

I'm of the first generation to never know the fear of the Cold War. I can't immagine what it would have been like to know that death could have come from above

I've been a bit preoccupied over my own death recently but when I die I want part of my DNA sent into Outer Space, beyond the orbit of the earth or sun. Please.

Why is 120 dead in an earthquake less of a tragedy than 120,000? If every life is infinatly valuable, the loss of just one is a tragedy beyond comprehension.

So I saw the son of my cuz that just died. He's not doing too good, but he seems like he's getting better. Kinda puts my problems into perspective.

Just a random story from fmylife.com, but it brought up my feelings on love.

I get disgusted whenever someone is secretly in love with someone else. If you've been in love with them that long and nothing's happened yet, it never will!

How can I expect people to respect me if I can't respect myself? How can I excpect to find love when I can't love myself?

I've never figured out how to give myself the respect that I give other people. It's not easy and there's no instruction book for that one.

I know that I'm equal, but I can never quite believe it. The opposite of faith I guess. I can believe in God but never quite know that He exists.

I'm a lesser person and therefore I must contribute more to be treated with equal respect. Which leads to less respect. Seems like circular logic to me.

Blah I HATE Fridays, I'm always bored and I'm already sick of reading. Now I'm just kinda sad and mildly lonely. Like I miss someone but I don't know who.

Of course you're not wasting your time. I love waking up to comments from you. And it's always helped in the past.

And when they don't, I give them a reason to. Something so bad that they can't be blamed for giving up. It's easier to hate myself than other people.

And it's always the new one that cares like I should care for myself and do care for them. How many times have I heard "I won't give up on you?" They all do.

Happy Valentine's everyone. My celebration: Deleting Amber (2 years ago ex) from my phone, not the first time, but definatly the last time. Here's to single. :(

I keep on thinking food then I think about eating . . . gross.

I don't really want more, I just seek approval and attention at any cost. Why are my true motives so childish?

And yet I can't say no to altered reality . . . ever. Now there's an issue that needs to be explored . . . later.

I still don't like weed much. Its scarey to see myself as I reaaly am, and it makes me really anxious.

Just smoked a bowl alone. Now I remember who I am and who I was. I slipped back but I didnt go all the way. I just hope they understand.

6 hours before work and I'm awake, bored, hungry and broke. Alas 18 hours till payday, food and cigarettes.

Every time I think about asking for money I don't. 27 hrs from payday, $10 would mean food and cigarettes, I can survive without. Punishment for my sins.

Off the top of my head: The reason I'm alive is because I'm afraid of dying. Probably not good enough, buy at least I'm not suicidal.

I don't care about happiness anymore. I don't have to worry about happiness when I'm broke. Borrowing money from family is proof of unconditional love.

I'm ready to stop moping over being single now. Alas, not till Valentines passes will I be back to myself again. I'm just sick of being sad, lonely, jealous.

I miss my mom and family. Its only been since Christmas since I've seen everyone, but still. I feel so ashamed.

My horoscope always says I'm about to find a new relationship. Why is That part never true? Maybe none of it is ever true and I shold really give up this time.

Creating Drama to manufacture purpose? I hope so. It's definatly a better reason than being incapable of handeling love or money. But thanks for caring. Really.

I don't know why yet, but there is my confession and the cause of All my stress until next payday. Was it worth it? Hell no.

I called in sick again and blamed it on my car which really is on the edge of blowing up. I might get fired for that, but probably not. I do that all the time.

Just blew another paycheck. This time @ the coast. Sacricfied Insurance, court, gas, cigarettes, shoes, a hair cut, lunch, the Superbowl all to the casino.

Reminder to self: Stop getting stressed by the details of life. If life is so short, why do I hate it so much most of the time?

The thought running through my head today as I showered: I am a gross, disgusting, despicable excuse of a human being and I deserve to die.

It wasn't harsh. I know I have to go live life. But I'm afraid of how bad it can get, because now it's so much better than it was even if it's so far from good.

And while I'm at it, who is this person that I used to be close to, and now I'm not? Shane? Jamie? Amy? Karie? If it's Amy I'll tell you, I never gave up hope.

But I wasn't miserable for a while. I was content and happy. Now for some reason, I'm not. Maybe it's Valentines on the way, maybe it's Winter. I don't know.

It's not that bad anymore. How can it be when it was all in my head? Apathy replaces despaire. I'm left alone. No reason to complain; no reason to rejoice.

I rarely actually feel hungry; I eat mostly when I feel empty.

Test

Couples. I don't want to be part of one. I still don't think anybody can like me that much. I don't desperatly crave it any more. I miss the desperation.

"The whole splendid misery of surrendering to someone who tolerates but doesn't totally reciprocate." From a Time review of 500 days of summer.