Okay, I don't know what to write about today but I feel like writing.  I feel like expelling all this pent up anxiety and letting it go into the world.  I know that nobody reads this, well I guess some people do, I get between one and two page views a day.  What should I say?  Right now I'm worried that I haven't gotten any hours since Saturday and now I won't be able to pay rent on time.  That's okay I should be able to pay it just a week late and I'll be able to get December's paid on Friday which is tomorrow.  Wow, this week went by fast.  I should say Merry Christmas to all of those who do read this.  I had a great Christmas.  I got exactly what I wanted and I was able to get something for everyone on my list.  I know already that I won't be alone for New Years, that's a good thing I guess.  I'll be spending it with Val out at the bars, I've never been out for New Years before.  I apologized to Sarah last night and she said that she's not ready to forgive me yet.  I understand.  I guess I understand.  I'm supposed to understand.  I'm lonely, but I've learned that it's nobody else's responsibility to make me less lonely, if I'm lonely I have to take care of it myself.  I'm scared because I won't be able to pay rent on time.  I'm afraid that I'll go a long time without getting any hours.  So I guess that sums in up.  One the day after Christmas, 2013, I'm lonely and scared.  I'm fighting addiction and loneliness.  My mom and sister have move to Springfield because my mom and step-dad divorced, so now they're further away from me than they've ever been.  Not that I see them that much anyway, but I liked the option of seeing them.  I miss them already.  The phrase that keeps on going through my head is "I want to go home."  When I'm actually at home I think that the home I mean is here, and maybe it is, maybe what I'm really saying is I don't want to leave here.  I don't want to go home and back to reality.  Reality is an empty room, alone with my books, an empty fridge, a lonely house.  It means drug using roommates that make it impossible to stay sober.  It means having to lock my door when I go to the bathroom because I don't know what kind of crack whore my roommate will bring into the house and who knows what can happen in the few minutes I'm in the bathroom.  I don't want to go home.  I want to say here wrapped safely in my womb.  Drugs can't get to me here.  I've never alone because Fritzie's always here.  There's always food in the fridge, I'll never go hungry.  I'll never grow up if I stay here forever.  I have to go back to the real world and face the challenges of being an adult.  I'm scared.  I'm always afraid.  I don't want to go home.  I want to cry, but I can't unless I'm coming down off of drugs and I happen to find myself in church.  Yeah, I'm going to church.  The long time atheist has found the joys of God and Jesus.  It's scary to admit, but I'm alone and powerless without God.  God please, I don't want to go home.  I just want to stay here forever.  I have to go home.  I can't stay here forever.  I have to go home and face temptation and addiction and roommates and the constant, undying loneliness.  It's the right thing to do.  It's okay, I'll be fine.

Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  What am I thankful for this year?  At the moment, not much.  I'm grateful for all the things that everyone's thankful for, a roof over my head, food in my over inflated belly, a job.  I just don't want to be here, or anywhere for that matter.  I'm going to die when I'm 36, but that's 8 years away and I really don't want to wait that long.  Who knows, maybe I won't.  My little sister used to be my reason for not killing myself and now that I'm not her brother anymore, I really have no reason to keep on going.  My current plan is to wait until my other little sister's wedding day and kill myself then.  That way I ruin her big day.  I'm not sure why I want to ruin her day, but at least the day I died will be remembered then.  I don't want my death to be meaningless.  I could go on a shooting spree and commit suicide by cop, but the part of me that still hopes for a Heaven won't let me do that.  Besides, those people aren't remembered anymore.  It happens too often.  Maybe I'll take a gun to work and shoot myself in the head right in the middle of my first complete of the day.  That would be interesting and at least for the people that are there that day, they'll never forget me, or at least they'll never forget my final act.

So that is me on Thanksgiving 2013, still contemplating suicide.  I really wish I had the guts to just end it all.

So grateful for my new meds . . .

With the help of a very old anti-psychotic medication and Lebanon Urgent Care, Manny is now dead.  Well not dead, but at least asleep for a while.  I love this stuff, just a few days on it and Manny goes to sleep.  Of course it causes me to want to sleep all the time too which I can't really afford now that I'm working 35 hours a week and having to wake up at 5:00 AM, but if it puts Manny to sleep it's worth it.

On another, non-Manny related note, I'm reading "Atlas Shrugged" and not only does it make me feel really smart, it's an amazing book.  You should all read it some time if you get the chance.

The voices, the voices, oh my God, the Voices

So Manny's back in my life and he's almost as much of a bitch as he was last time.  It's not quite as bad as last time because for the most part, I can tell what's real and what's Manny fucking with me.  Still, it's soul crushing to constantly hear your friends bad mouthing you in the back of your head.  It never really goes away, but for some reason it never bothers me at work or when I'm on a computer listening to music.  So I know how to handle him this time around and I'm getting insurance at the beginning of the year so I'll be able to get the meds that subdue him then, but for the next two months I have to deal with it.

In other news, I switched to day shift at work so now I'm getting 35 hours a week at $10/hr, so that's a good thing.  Talk to you all later.

--Jason

Too depressed for words

I'm with my family, there's good food on the way and I just finished a good book.  I should be happy.  I'm not.  I'm depressed, really depressed and I just can't shake it.  Of course I've been off my meds for a couple of months now and I won't get any more till January, so I guess that's just depression for you.  Still I wish I could snap out of it and be happy again.  Oh well, such is life in mid-October 2013.

Life changes

So not only did I go back to my old neighborhood, I moved there.  I don't feel like talking about it.

A promise made . . . will it be kept?

I have no idea.  I just promised my best friend that I wouldn't drink for an entire month.  Riding on this is me going out for my once a year hurrah and basically my entire friendship with Sarah.  I don't know if I have the balls to pull this one off.  I LOVE drinking so much, but if it means that much to my best friend then I know I can do it.  Still, I have 2/3 of a bottle of 151 left to drink.  I'm taking a shot every five minutes till it's gone or I pass out.  I quit Meth, but only because Manny became too much of a bitch to deal with, does that mean I can quit alcohol and only use it in moderation after I'm done quitting?  I don't know, but I do know it's time for another shot.  I've already drank more 151 than most people can handle, and I'm still going, Shit, I have to piss, lol.

Time to play Atomic Power Hour

So I'm about half way through my Payday fifth and I went outside and thought about it for a long time, finally I decided that I can drink this fifth Atomic Power Hour style and still drink almost to my heart's content tomorrow in the park.  So I'm going to write a sentence every five minutes till the bottom of the bottle.

10:45 Feelin good, I should really get my ass off of Facebook.
10:55 I forgot to post at 10:50, but I'm still here feeling good!
I forgot to post at 11:00 and a 11:05, but I'm thinking of trying to get to Lebanon in 2 hrs in the middle of my drunken Haze and see if I can make it, bad idea, probabbly
?

4 hours later . . .

Apparently I puked in the trash can, and I didn't decide to walk to Lebanon, that's a good thing I guess, I feel like I could walk the night to Lebanon, but I don't think that would be a good idea.  I need to go outside and clean out the trash can. . . ewww.   oh well at least it was me instead of somebody else.

I got a job

Not the best of jobs, but it's a job.  I'm actually making money instead of sleeping all day and staring at the computer begging God for relief.  I'm not sure what else to say, I just want to document that I actually am working and feeling slightly better about myself.  That's not to say that suicide is out of the question, just that it seems like slightly less of a possibility. 

I will kill myself, just not today

I have a feeling deep in my soul, that I will be the one to end my life.  Right now, my plan is to hang myself off of the back porch rafter.  Yet, today will not be the day.  Neither, most likely, will it be tomorrow.  Some day soon I will end my life.  I try so hard with my over eating, chain smoking and binge drinking but that takes too long.  Am I the only one that lays awake at night contemplating suicide?  I know how it will be taken by my family.  Gabbi will be mad, Ally might be sad, though I know deep down that it will come as a relief to her, my mom will cry and wonder if there's anything that she could have done.  There isn't.  There's nothing that anybody can do to prevent my suicide.  I've long planned my last post on Facebook.  It will be something like: "I am going to kill myself.  Please don't try to stop me, by the time you read this it will already be over for me.  Please tell my mom I love her and that it's not her fault.  To all my friends that have been there through the years, I'm truly sorry for any pain that this causes you.  To track my slow decent to madness and to read my suicide note, please go to oblivionschild.blogspot.com"  I wish I could do this without people crying for me.  I know that I will make my mom cry, I haven't made her cry since I was 16 and I called her out on her past mistakes.  I'm not sure the rest of my family will cry, to them it will be a relief that I'm finally out of their lives.  It's funny that both my desire to be clean from Meth and my desperate desire for just one last drink keeps me from doing the deed right now.  I want just one more drunk before I die, I love alcohol.  I want to know how it feels to be one year clean from Meth.  My one year mark is June 25th, so I don't think I will kill myself before then, but who knows.  One more fight that I can't win, one more mistake that I can't fix, one more reason to give up and that might be it.

I really need a drink . . .

Of course when I say I need a drink, I really mean I need to sit down and drink myself stupid by drinking an entire fifth of whiskey.  It's weird, it's not as bad as a Meth craving, or at least as bad as they used to be, but it's in the same vein. 

I just drank a half a pot of coffee to get motivation to get my resume kicked out, but I have half of it done so I figure I'm good to finish it tomorrow.  Instead of finishing my resume, I'm sitting here listening to music, playing poker and whining to my blog that I need a drink.  I really could use a drink, just enough to take off the edge.  I think coffee is my new trigger for alcohol, just like Meth which had too many triggers to list, I know how to deal with triggers.  I know how to deal with cravings.  The best thing to do is to feel the craving, let it consume me and then accept it at it's worst.  One, two, three breathe.  I know I can get through this.  I guess there's a reason I don't drink coffee that much.

Okay, I'm beginning to relax.  See, the craving wasn't that bad.  Nothing like that one Meth craving that I had.  I was in Albany and I had a full paycheck on me.  I had just gotten out of a counseling appointment and I was having lunch with my grandparents at Wendy's.   My friend/dealer calls me and says they had the good stuff.  I was so tempted to walk out of the lunch and go to my friend just one last time.  The feeling was so powerful that I almost cried.  I wish I had the words to describe how much effort it took to stay where I was and not go to my friend.  That was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and thing I'm most proud of.  It was that day that I realized I could quit Meth. 
As far as that alcohol craving goes, it's gone now.  Sure, I wouldn't say no to a drink or 20, but I'm not going to pursue alcohol at the moment.

Thanks for listening everyone.  I love all three of you that read this, ha ha.

Yet another family gathering

Tomorrow marks yet another family gathering where I will be the butt of everybody's jokes and there's no way for me to escape.  I wish I could skip it, unfortunately, I fucking live here now so there's no escape.  I don't like my family anymore, I know if one of them died I would probably cry, but until then, I wish everybody would just leave me alone.  I know I'm a failure, but guess what, I quit Meth and nobody that I know has ever done such a hard thing.  I'm more accomplished than any of them.  I went through the day by day Hell of giving it up.  Each day it got worse until it started getting a little better.  I guess I can't type as fast as I once could, oh well, it will come back to me if I ever get a job where I need to type again.  But guess what, it's time for Doctor Who, so here is where I leave you as I prepare to loose myself in fantasy for an hour.

Just stuff

I'm sitting here listening to my girlie station on Pandora and I'm feeling depressed.  I'm so alone, I just want to cry, but I'm on too much Prozac to ever cry again.  Last night I drank a fifth of whiskey, I get that particular joy once a month.  Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, there just isn't much going on in my life right now.  I'm still unemployed, I don't have any motivation to do anything.  I haven't even read a book in a couple of months.  On the bright side, I'm 10 months clean and I've stopped thinking about it every time I lay down to sleep.  I still miss the people, but I no longer miss the drug.  When I think back to those times I remember the bad times more than the good ones. 

Last night I learned that a former co-worker of mine died a while back and I didn't know about it.  She was an amazing person, always so fun and full of life.  Death is supposed to be for those who don't want to live anymore, not for those who have so much life left in them. 

So I've gotten into Awkward. on MTV, it's a pretty decent show.  It was on last night but I was too drunk to care.  I guess I'm an alcoholic, but what can I say, it's in my blood.  My dad died an obese alcoholic in his mid 30's and I plan to do the same.  I just wish I could cry about it and let it all out.

I'm really missing my old lifestyle today.  I'm plagued with all the happy memories of time gone by.  I know I can't go back, but some days I want to so bad.  I'll live with Manny if only for one more time.  And yet, I can't think like that.  I have to keep going forward and stop living in the past.  I burned the bridges for a reason and I have to live with my decisions.  Oh well, I can always get drunk and drunk I will get tonight.  Me, myself and a bottle of Black Velvet will take over this blog tonight.  And it will probably end up with me hating life, etc. Oh well, at least I'll get to feel good for a little bit.

Too fucking lazy to kill myself

Don't worry Jamie, I'm still alive.  It's Valentines day so I'm sitting here staring down a bottle of rum.  I've been staring down that same bottle of rum for about 4 days now and each day I decided to wait till Valentines day, so I made it and now I'm gonna drink it.  Don't worry, when it comes down to it, I'd rather sleep than kill myself.  Killing myself is incredibly selfish plus it takes a lot of effort.  Not to mention all the work I'd cause my family.  My grandparents would be the first to see my dead body and it would traumatise them, then they'd have to call the morgue or the ambulance then there'd have to be a funeral which my grandparents would probably have to pay for.  I know my blog would get a lot more reading after I die because my suicide note will simply say: see oblivionschild.blogspot.com.  Maybe someone will read all of it, maybe they'll be able to pinpoint the exact day that I started doing Meth, maybe they'll see all the alcohol postings and feel sorry for me.  Who knows what they'll see in this.  Gabbi and Ally are my two little sisters btw, they're usually what keeps me from taking the plunge.  But thanks for caring Jamie, love you!

Goodbye

Dear World,

It's been a hell of a run, but it's time to give up.  I'm never going to find a job, I'm good for nothing, and like Gabbi says, I'm an asshole anyway.  I've written this note in my head so many times and it always comes out more eloquent than this.  I guess I should say that this is nobody's fault.  Everyone is going to blame themselves, but it's my decision and it's a decision that's a long time coming.  I'm not even sure how I'm doing at this point, I know it's going to be some kind of hanging.  Or maybe I can just take every pill in the house and hope that it kills me.  Not likely though.  When I do this, I don't want to do it half way.  Like Gabbi says, don't talk about it unless your serious.  Well I am serious.  I've been serious about this for a long time.  I've mentioned Gabbi twice in this note already.  I guess because I know she'll be mad.  She always thought I had potential and now I'm giving up on that potential.  Ally, I know you can make it through this.  I know what I'm about to do is incredibly selfish, but I'm sorry I just can't do it anymore.  It's not your fault, in fact you've given me the few real smiles that I've had in these past months.  Never forget those high 5's that hurt, it's not much but they made me smile till the end.  Okay so maybe I'm not going to kill myself today.  Not that I have too much to live for or anything like that, it's just cause I'm too lazy and I don't know how to do it.  I could make a noose if I put in the effort, but I'm just too lazy.  I really want to die of carbon monoxide poisoning but I cracked off my car for Meth about a year ago and I don't have the keys to the extra car, or maybe I do!  That would make this a lot easier.  But I'm not going to, not today.  Tomorrow's a new day, maybe I'll have the energy to do it tomorrow.  For now, I'm smoking a cigarette and taking a nap.

So much for resolution #2

We're gonna play a little game.  I'm sitting her drinking a bottle of bottom shelf rum and I plan to drink the whole thing.  After each shot I'm going to write one sentence.  At the bottom of the bottle, I'll write a paragraph based on what I've written.

1. I love the first shot.
2. Tastes like shit, but I love the warm feeling :)
3. My heart wants what my stomach may not be able to take.
4. I wish I could skip the getting drunk part and go straight to being drunk.
5. I want drugs.
6. Still not drunk, I wonder which shot I'll be able to say "I'm drunk."
7. Yuck!
8. Time for a cigarette.
9. I want a burger, a big burger, a one pounder with all the fixings.
10. I'm gonna have a couple cookies, then it's down for a shot every 5 minutes.
11. So I took a break there for the drunchies, a 1 pound burger with cheese and lettus and mayo and mustard and ketchup.  After the break I feel like shit.  Like why am I even still around?  Maybe the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.
12. I feel better after another shot, not all better, but a little bit.
13. God I hope the answer is at the bottom of this bottle.  I feel like such a piece of shit.
14. Haven't been keeping up on this, but I just puked :(
15. Blah, I feel like shit, but the bottom of the bottle won't be reached by itself.
16. God, I just want to give up.  I'm so tired.  All I want to do is go to sleep.

This is where it endes.  I still have a third of a bottle of rum left, but I give up.  I'm gonna go to sleep right now and wake up around 8 or so hungry and thirsty.  I just feel like such a piece of shit right now.  God, I just want to give up on life.