Disclaimer: I know that Jill will be reading this. As always. This is not a letter to her. This is because I want to capture my feelings. An emotional snap shot. That being said, I know the fact that she will be reading this will affect what I say, I won't say for example, that . . . yeah, that. Here I go.
Is this really only day 8? Every cliché I hated about feelings is more true than I ever imagined, and yet so inaddaquite. Food really does tastes better. Things smell better and worse. (OMG, the mission stinks so bad), but my cologne smells better and lingers longer. Music sounds better. I told her last night that Amazing Grace has never sounded so sweet (look at the crap I'm writing!). But seriously (yeah I know, Mrs. May, can't start a sentence with but [butt, he he]), the hymns make so much more sense now that I have my reward. I still don't deserve it, but I'm starting to think that maybe I do.
She has me questioning all my old beliefs about everything and I love it. Not that I'm changing everything. I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea. As anything, there are lines I won't cross. I won't take my phone to church. My family will always have top priority. She suggested Superbowl weekend to meet, I said no. As much as I want to be in her arms, forever, Superbowl belongs to gpa. He has given me so much, and every year could be the last. I've sacrificed things for the Superbowl before, but a chance to spend 3 hours just me and my gpa watching football, I will never turn down for anything ever again, including her. Isn't that amazing? I have priorities, values. I am the me I always was, but without all the bullshit extra baggage and I LOVE the me I am. She makes me love me more because of how she feels. If someone like her can see the good in me, who am I to doubt. Does that mean I'm taking my confidence from her? Maybe, but not like I used to take from people. Not in the emotional leech way, I can't really describe it.
So disorganized today. I have a bunch of thoughts I want to get out, but I'm kinda scattered and I love it. Have you ever seen The Crown? You should, Matt Smith is incredible and deserves an Emmy. Anyway, it's the story of Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth. Their relationship. She is a powerful woman. A leader of men. She spends all day going toe to toe with powerful men (Winston Churchill, JFK, Lord Montbottom (sp?)) and at the end of the day, she needs a strong man to support her. She needs a man to let her guard down to, to love and care about, to vent to, to cry to, to express her secret worries. That is the man I want to be. I want to be the strong man behind a powerful woman and Jill is a very powerful woman. This isn't a new thought, just refined. I've liked powerful women all my life. I used to say I had a crush on Hillary Clinton (yeah, I went there brat), or that I liked Scorpios because they were so hard on the outside and I liked to be the one they show their soft side to, this is just a new expression of an old desire.
One more thought before I really write a novel, well the second to last one. Today she said that she showed off yesterday's entry to her friend and her friend cried and so did she. Wow. I always knew in my heart that my writing was good, maybe better than good, but I never knew I wanted to make people feel with my writing. I've always understood the power of words. Bad memories, and even as a kid, it fascinated me how words could bring so much emotion from people without an action, in me and others. Today, I realized I have that power and I want to use it. I want to make people feel. I want to make people smile, and cry, laugh, and get mad. Now it seems possible. Anything seems possible. Can my writing make me famous? Maybe. I know I want to share this gift with the world, I guess I always have since I've kept this blog for 7 years and before that an open diary which is apparently dead. Again, new expression of old desires. I love it.
One last thought, almost anticlamtic after all I've written. But I remember years ago, when I was living with Grant and Whitney, pre-addiction (which I've said this before, but I want to put in here: I didn't like who I was before my addiction, I hated who I was in my addiction, but I love who I am now and I wouldn't have be who I am if I hadn't been through Hell, so I am grateful for my addiction.) Anyway (bad punctuation, I know!) pre-addiction, I was talking to Whitney and I told her that I understood feelings (yeah right!) and I understood sex (yeah right!) but I couldn't see how they connect. She couldn't explain, she just that they just do. Now I understand, and someday I will try to explain, in maybe a private blog post.
That's all for now. She is still not responding, my heart aches with anticipation, but I trust that she will be back and when she comes back, her heart will only grow fonder. BYE!
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