I am so sick of routine, every day it's the same thing, wake up, smoke, shower, smoke, smoke, smoke, work, more work, and just for the hell of it more work. Then it's fast food and TV, then more TV, and more TV. Sitcoms, Fraiser, South Park, King of the Hill. It's the same shows over and over again into nothingness. I'm so desperate for something more. I'm desperate for a goal. But even with a goal, it's still the same routine, wake up, shower, smoke, work, fast food, Sitcoms, Fraiser, South Park, King of the Hill. This is my life, and I already know my destiny. To die alone, probably with more money than I need, surrounded by stuff. No kids, and no family left. It doesn't really matter what I do between now and then. I'd like to see the world, but, where's the fun in traveling if you're going it alone. I could see the sun set on the great wall of China, but with no one to appreciate it. I could experience the Northern Lights in the eternal night of Burrow, Alaska, but who would care. I could see Stone Henge and the Pyramids, the Eiffel Tower, and Big Ben, who would care? I'm sure I'll be able to afford it if I keep at this job every day, and make a two week trip once a year, but who cares. I'm going to die alone, my passions un-persued and my money going to the pursuit of stuff.

Or maybe it's not at bleak as I've made it out to be, if life is the pursuit of distraction, then maybe I've just run out of distractions.

In something that I'm thinking is completely un-related, I had a great dream last night . . . well this morning. I was with my family, Uncle and GF, Cousins and BFs, and grandma and grandpa. We walk into a casino, well not so much a casino as a room with about 10 slot machines on a wall and five or six tables. Carly and Sue go off to play slot machines, my uncle hits the roulette table, and my grandpa hits the Craps table. My grandma and I hit the Black Jack table, I remember the chips keep on switching from little silver chips to big plastic chips, and the cards keep switching too. They go from normal cards to holographic shiny cards. I also remember using the wrong signal to hit, rather than stay. And I remember various drinks being but in front of me, clear liquids in shot glasses, that wasn't vodka, I don't know how I knew I wasn't vodka, but I assumed it was clear rum or tequila, but the only thing I remember tasting in something that tasted like hard lemonade. I remember eyeing a couple of Ashtrays on the table, needed a cigarette, and then a guy in a white cowboy hat lights a cigarette and I say "what a great idea." Then I wake up, from my desire to have a cigarette.

The point of writing about that dream, is that I desperately wanted to cling to that dream. I wanted nothing more than to be there, with family gambling the night away, with a bottomless drink and a pack of cigarettes. I tried to go back to sleep, I wanted so badly to go back to that little fantasy room, my happy place.