So half way through the year and I've had two failed relationships. I've learned some valuable lessons, after this last relationship I realized that I shouldn't go for any girl that I can get, I should wait for something real. But I've been looking the past couple of days and I see potential dates and girlfriends everywhere, but I didn't see anyone that I could be satisfied with. I have all these ideas for the ideal girl and both A and M fit some of those. I want a shy girl who wants me more than I want them, or at least as much, who is out of my league but doesn't know it. I want a girl with no obvious physical flaws. M had the waddle neck and A had a big, lips shaped mole on her nose, but I think about that mole and I still feel something akin to love or at least closer to it than I ever got with M. I can still A in my arms. I really thought there might have been something there if I didn't fuck it up by getting too attached. Then I remember how much she hurt me, how I could never trust her even though she said that's all she wanted from me. How she laughed in my face when I told her I loved her. Maybe love has let me down and I want to give up on it for now. If only I had the same feelings towards M that I did towards A and A had the same feelings that M had for me, then I would be in love with the girl of my dreams and she would be in love with me. Wow, is all of this saying that I'm still not over A? God I hope not. I don't think that's the case, I know I'm over her . . . I just think I'm done with love too.

I am so pissed right now for no apparent reason. On the surface it's because my supervisor is useless and won't do her job, but I shouldn't be this angry over something like that. I just broke up with M (hence the two week absence of blog entries.) But that ended as civilly as it could have and it was my idea to end it. She wanted to move in after two weeks of dating (the idea came up less than a week into dating) and I couldn't do that. Plus all her fucked up drama with her "borderline personality disorder" and worse. I'm normally a fairly patient guy, I'm good with kids and customers, but with her I couldn't stand her long boring stories about nothing and she told the same stories over and over again. And yet, when I was away from her I missed her. Of course that only lasted until through the first five minutes of being around her. And she was such an annoying drunk. I had a few beers and I was just getting ready to get drunk and she was already staggeringly drunk, but you could tell most of it was an act. Of course she didn't act that normal when she was sober either. Really at this point, I don't even want a relationship. Not because I'm heart broken, but because I'm disillusioned. Two failed relationships in 6 months . . . I know I'm not the most persistent of people, and I'm not ready to give up on relationships, I just don't feel like pursuing them too actively at the moment. Wow, some of the anger has gone away, I think this might be some misplaced anger. Alas, I'm off to find something to do, anything really.

I had a dream where I met myself as a toddler. It was almost as if I were my real father in the dream. I came upon a group of kids, I asked them their names and none of them were me. Then I saw a little pudgy kid sitting by himself in the corner of the sand box and I asked him his name and he said "jason." But he said it with such little conviction that I have to type it without a capital letter. He looked scared and lonely, but when I said "hi" he smiled at me.



This might be because I'm still mildly hung over, but that seems like a significant dream. Especially the day after Father's day. Like it was a gift from my dead father telling me that he really did try to be my savior, or at least he wanted to.