I will never again get so close to someone that I'd be affected if they walked out of my life. That was my issue with A and I'm seeing this echoed again in K's new relationship. I will never love someone so much that when they walk out of my life for whatever reason, and they all do eventually, that it will hurt at all. What's weird is that I can still have feelings for K, obviously she used me, but she was fun and happy and hot. I know enough now to look at her relationship now and realize that she's in exactly the kind of relationship that she would have had with me. The guy does all he can to please her because he's so afraid to loose her. Which is exactly what happened with me and A. So if the parallel continues, she's eventually get tired of the way he's acting and realize that all the stuff he buys her isn't worth all the shit that she has to put with. What's sad is that it isn't his fault at all. With A I thought that I was doing the right thing. It really is scary to think about someone you "love" that much ever leaving you. I thought that she would be the cure to all of life's problems, but it didn't have to be her. I could have been any girl. I had put so much into having a relationship just because everyone else had one and they all seemed to be happy. I thought that it would cure the emptiness, and it did for a while. But yeah I ended up with a broken heart. The point of this whole lead up though:

I've learned my lesson. I would never get that attached to a girl. Now whoever I end up with, I won't give a damn if they walk out on me, I will never ask them to stay, I will never beg for anyone back. It's not worth it. If they didn't like me enough to stay, then asking them, or begging them to come back will only make it worse.

I hate people, rather I hate being around people. I know I have to be around people at work, but when I come home I just want to crawl into my cocoon and not let the rest of the world penetrate. Seriously, give me a sack of weed a video game and a house full of food and I'm in heaven. Or at least that sounds a lot more appealing than the current state of things. Really socializing seems like too much effort all I want to do is sit back and relax and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. Of course when that actually happens I'll be here screaming at the world that I'm bored, cursing god for making me so damned lonely. Of course there's always M. She's in love with me and I don't feel much for her. It seems like the way she acts towards me is a lot like the way I acted towards A. It's like living on the other side of the mirror it's that similar. I don't know if my experience with A and knowing how that turned out makes me reluctant to let any feelings that I have for M show through. But when it comes down to it, I just want sex from her. I know I can't stand her, but I don't know how much of me not being able to stand her comes from me.


To change the subject mid-sentence, I just deleted A from my Yahoo and Myspace lists, and out of my address book and off my phone. Right now I'm at the point where I'm desperately unsure of what I feel towards A. So unsure that I'm sure I don't want to explore it, but it will probably end with some revelation of how she used me or how unstable I really am.

Alas, I'm off to happier things .

So I woke up this morning with a weird urge to call my mother. I haven't talked to her in almost a month so I figured it might be time for me to call her. Then I realized that my family hates me for no good (or at least apparent) reason so it's best for me to just keep my weekly calls to my grandparrents as my only contact with the family. Just a random waking thought.

Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay. Why do people keep on asking that? On a given day I'm just barely keeping control over my emotions enough not to burst out into tears. I know nobody gives a fuck and it's a lot easier to deal with that way. Because if somebody cared enough to ask then I'd have to deal with the fact that I'm anything but okay. But really that's okay. It's okay because it has to be okay and the alternative would be unacceptable. It doesn't matter that I'm apparently such a fuck up in my family's eyes that they're now just loving me because they have to. I say I don't love my family, that I could give a fuck if they all went away, all the time desperately craving their approval. My cousin actually told me that I deserved to used, how fucked up is that? Remember that Christmas that my parents got me a copy of The 40 Year-Old Virgin? When they said my 14 year old cousin would get laid before me? But that's okay too, because I certainly proved them wrong. I took the first girl who would have me, it's not that I regret it, but I thought I'd find something close to love before I found physical release.

What scares me is that I don't really feel attracted to anyone for the first time ever. I'm not sure if no one seems appealing, or that it just a relationship doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm sure I wouldn't say no to relationship at this point or a quick lay (well that's another topic) but I just don't think it'd work out. I still feel the sting of rejection from K, and apparently it was my fault. I don't even feel lonely, I'm just sad.