Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay. Why do people keep on asking that? On a given day I'm just barely keeping control over my emotions enough not to burst out into tears. I know nobody gives a fuck and it's a lot easier to deal with that way. Because if somebody cared enough to ask then I'd have to deal with the fact that I'm anything but okay. But really that's okay. It's okay because it has to be okay and the alternative would be unacceptable. It doesn't matter that I'm apparently such a fuck up in my family's eyes that they're now just loving me because they have to. I say I don't love my family, that I could give a fuck if they all went away, all the time desperately craving their approval. My cousin actually told me that I deserved to used, how fucked up is that? Remember that Christmas that my parents got me a copy of The 40 Year-Old Virgin? When they said my 14 year old cousin would get laid before me? But that's okay too, because I certainly proved them wrong. I took the first girl who would have me, it's not that I regret it, but I thought I'd find something close to love before I found physical release.

What scares me is that I don't really feel attracted to anyone for the first time ever. I'm not sure if no one seems appealing, or that it just a relationship doesn't seem worth the effort. I'm sure I wouldn't say no to relationship at this point or a quick lay (well that's another topic) but I just don't think it'd work out. I still feel the sting of rejection from K, and apparently it was my fault. I don't even feel lonely, I'm just sad.