A four minute free write. I don't know if this will be published or what I'm going to say I'm just going to start writing and see what comes out. Of course when I start this, this isn't always effective, but lets see what happens. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment, I feel like I'm at the edge of contentment. I had fun tonight. It wasn't too exciting, but I felt comfortable and wanted. It wasn't a big thing, but I didn't think that people were trying to shove me out the door, nor did I feel the need to be there. Instead, it was simply a place to be and do things. I had other things I could have done, but I don't regret not doing them. I have other people I could have hung out with and maybe my night would have been considerably different, but what I did was good. I made some good karma, but of course if karma were real then when do I reap what I sow? I don't even know if I'm good or bad. I don't. I don't know if my motives are true or what they really are. I want to believe I'm a good person, but there's always a part of me that wonders if the reason I'm a good person is because I want something in exchange. But I get something in exchange. I give a ride, someone to talk to, someone to match with, somebody to play video games with or watch a movie, and in exchange I get to hang out with someone and avoid my crushing loneliness that's always waiting to barge in on me. Since I've discovered friendship, the crushing loneliness is often forgotten. When I say crushing loneliness, I mean the intense need for a relationship. It's still there. I still want a relationship, it just doesn't seem quite so unfair that I don't have one. The thought of dying alone is a scary one, I look into the future 30 years and I see most of my family dead. My mom dead, my grandparents long in the grave, my uncle may not see the next 15 years. My cousins will all have their own lives with their own families and my mom won't continue the Christmas traditions, no one will. This will all end so soon. (there's 9 minutes)

I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now, love, fear, gratitude, but not despair anymore. Maybe I'm more afraid of my family dying than of me dying. Because at the point that I will die, my family will precede me and that will make accepting it easier. Oh my god, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with fear. I don't wanna die, but the fear subsides. I'm left here, alone for the moment.

So it's been a while since I've made a real post and I don't have much time to write so I'll try to get this all out quickly. Recently I've been learning the value of friendship. Friendship. That's the theme today. It turns out I am a really good friend to the friends that I have and that's rarer than I thought. But what if I'm not such a good friend? It's all tit for tat and quid pro quo to use the sexual harassment terms that seem to be so appropriate. You do anything to help me in any situation and I'll do the same for you. As far as affection . . . affection is like sex without the sex. It doesn't seem that important and it all leads to disappointment in the end. There's a lot more to be said on the subject. Anyways, tomorrow night I'm taking a spiritual journey to who knows where. It starts with a tea and ends with enlightenment. Wish me luck my faithful readers, I may never be the same again.

I'm just not mature enough to handle this

I feel sad because AE likes richard and I can't accept that we'll never be more than friends. I actually feel like crying, there must be something wrong w/ me.

I don't like secrets. Why can't everybody know everything about everyone else and trust that no matter what the secret there's no such thing as bad intentions?

God grant me the courage to face my fears in order to save my friendship.

Honestly? Drunkenly, AE should've been happily ever after. Dana ditched me, somehow hugs that will never be more than hugs will never be enough. Good night.

Its simple really, I love MT intelectual level & AE on an intelectual level and an extreme physical level and somehow happily ever is all three combined?

Drunk as a skunk . . . Why is AE the closest to happily ever that I'll ever get? omg she's so amazing on every level. Why isn't she my happily ever after?