A four minute free write. I don't know if this will be published or what I'm going to say I'm just going to start writing and see what comes out. Of course when I start this, this isn't always effective, but lets see what happens. I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment, I feel like I'm at the edge of contentment. I had fun tonight. It wasn't too exciting, but I felt comfortable and wanted. It wasn't a big thing, but I didn't think that people were trying to shove me out the door, nor did I feel the need to be there. Instead, it was simply a place to be and do things. I had other things I could have done, but I don't regret not doing them. I have other people I could have hung out with and maybe my night would have been considerably different, but what I did was good. I made some good karma, but of course if karma were real then when do I reap what I sow? I don't even know if I'm good or bad. I don't. I don't know if my motives are true or what they really are. I want to believe I'm a good person, but there's always a part of me that wonders if the reason I'm a good person is because I want something in exchange. But I get something in exchange. I give a ride, someone to talk to, someone to match with, somebody to play video games with or watch a movie, and in exchange I get to hang out with someone and avoid my crushing loneliness that's always waiting to barge in on me. Since I've discovered friendship, the crushing loneliness is often forgotten. When I say crushing loneliness, I mean the intense need for a relationship. It's still there. I still want a relationship, it just doesn't seem quite so unfair that I don't have one. The thought of dying alone is a scary one, I look into the future 30 years and I see most of my family dead. My mom dead, my grandparents long in the grave, my uncle may not see the next 15 years. My cousins will all have their own lives with their own families and my mom won't continue the Christmas traditions, no one will. This will all end so soon. (there's 9 minutes)

I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now, love, fear, gratitude, but not despair anymore. Maybe I'm more afraid of my family dying than of me dying. Because at the point that I will die, my family will precede me and that will make accepting it easier. Oh my god, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with fear. I don't wanna die, but the fear subsides. I'm left here, alone for the moment.