Finally I get here and I can spill my guts. So a lot has happened in the past week. A lot that I don't want to go into. If you know me well enough then you already know what happened, if you don't know and you care enough, e-mail me to ask me: jwfeller@gmail.com. Right now I want to talk about how sick I am of these fronts. I lost my job, I ended up in jail, and I may be loosing my apartment all within one week. I'm now almost broke, and even though I have all these elaborate plans and contingency plans and back up plans for the contingency plans, I'm scared. That is what I cannot tell anyone, because if they know how damned scared I am, they wouldn't be able to do anything and they would just tell me with a superior grin on their faced that they told me so. I don't want to be lectured about what I should have done, I don't want to be reminded that this shouldn't have blind sided me like it did, I know that I should have seen this all coming and honestly I kind of did. But I Am Scared. Period. There is so much of life that is now completely out of my control. Even though I have plan after plan after plan, they all end with me being in shelters. What if I can't find work? What if I don't get unemployment? What if I am evicted? How can I not but dwell on all of those all the time? I don't usually, but that's only because I keep myself occupied. I'm just scared because there's only so much I can do and even if I do all that I can, I'm still at the whim of the universe. Is any of this story unique? Of course not. But it's the first time I've been through all of this. I'm so ready for bed, maybe this will all make more sense tomorrow. Doubt it.