God, I'm so lonely and I'm doing such a good job of covering up that I don't realize it until I see some random couple on reality TV and I start crying. What that means is that I cannot trust myself around real couples. I'll try to fake it, and I'll probably keep from bursting into tears and moping, but I won't be able to enjoy it. I'll plaster on a fake smile and make the barest of small talk. What they won't realize when they see the sadness in my eyes is that I'm not jealous of either of them specifically. For example, when Z has her new boyfriend, I'm not jealous of her because I don't have her, I'm jealous because she never seems to have any trouble finding anybody. Nobody seems to have any trouble finding anybody. And I do.

So Z just told me they missed me and I know I'm looking way too far into it, but wow it brought tears to my eyes. Not that I would ever tell them what it meant, but still it's amazing to be loved in life :)

So I've spent today redoing my Plenty of Fish profile and it looks as good as it's gonna get. The only trouble is, as I'm going through all they girls' profiles, even being picky, I just see disappointment. So maybe I'm not quite ready for the relationship that I think I am. Maybe I should be happy with the amazing friends that I have. Because it'd be a lot easier than going through the whole bull shit relationship thing again only to end up sitting here crying my eyes out to nobody and everybody. I don't want to do this again. But, I do want to do this again. I want it bad, your bad romance . . .

So after a brief singing interlude, all better :)

So Lonely! I can't believe that I'm still writing about the same shit that I've been writing about since high school, but OMG, I just can't get over it. But that's just the reason that got me here today. What I really need to talk about is Z. Well I guess it's a who and not a what, and for now Z will just be Z. Besides a really annoying letter to type, Z is my best friend.

She's taught me the depths of friendship, the limitless nature of platonic love, and most importantly, no matter how much I sometimes want that line between platonic and passionate love to blur, it can never be. I wish there was more to say, there is a lot more to say. I love her, I Love her, I LOVE her. She's my most important friend in the world, maybe because I like to think that I'm her most important friend in the world. I don't know what I want or need from her. I don't know what she wants or needs from me. I just know that I can be there for her when she needs me as much as she needs me to be. I know that I'm learning the next lesson in friendship from her that Shane and Opal started back in Job Corps. I know that she's beautiful, and smart and sweet and an amazing friend, and that I would do anything from her and not expect a single thing in return. I know that unlike almost anyone else, she will never use me. Blah, I CAN'T PUT THIS INTO WORDS!!!!

This is so frustrating! This is where I go to make sense of everything, and I can't. I'm a failure as a writer and as a friend. Maybe this is finally the end?