God, I'm so lonely and I'm doing such a good job of covering up that I don't realize it until I see some random couple on reality TV and I start crying. What that means is that I cannot trust myself around real couples. I'll try to fake it, and I'll probably keep from bursting into tears and moping, but I won't be able to enjoy it. I'll plaster on a fake smile and make the barest of small talk. What they won't realize when they see the sadness in my eyes is that I'm not jealous of either of them specifically. For example, when Z has her new boyfriend, I'm not jealous of her because I don't have her, I'm jealous because she never seems to have any trouble finding anybody. Nobody seems to have any trouble finding anybody. And I do.