Post # 700!

Wow, 7 years and 700 posts. Incredible.  I didn't even realize that I'd written that much when I came here today.  I came here today to research dreams about that girl from my dreams and I'm still not sure when/where she comes into play.  I think she's super natural in origin.

Anyway, while going though every mention of the word dream in this blog, I realized that I've spent most of the past 7 years bitching about being alone and lamenting over missing my happily ever after.  Thanks to drugs, I have much bigger issues to deal.

I make a promise to you faithful readers that I will no longer come here to bitch about how lonely I am.  I wish I could write more, but I've got stuff to do.  Thanks for reading everyone!!!!

Am I crazy? Yeah I am.

It’s like I’m too different people sometimes. There’s the angry Jason that just wants to fight with everyone, then there’s the “real” me. The sad, lonely, addict who’s struggling through recovery the best he can. Real me is realistic about the future, maybe a bit naïve, but trying to work through it. The angry me is just that, angry. Consumed with all the negativity in life. Nothing’s good, he hates his life and blames everyone else. The trouble is, we both live in the same body and I can’t control him when he’s out. He’s been out for the past few days and here I am dealing with the consequences. Do I have real DID, or is this trying to pass blame for who I am? I don’t know. It’d be nice to have a diagnosis that I can identify with instead of just another addict. I’m tired. Tired of picking up after him, tired of being him. I really want to change, but I’m lazy. I’m very, very lazy. I want everyone else to do it for me. I just want to sit in my room and let the world pass me by. It’s wasting this great and mysterious gift of life, I know it, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. I know there’s a 3^rd me somewhere in this mix, someone that actually gives a fuck and wants to change, and sometimes he comes out to play, but mostly it’s angry and me. I guess I’ll call the current me, passive. Am I crazy? Most definitely.

In a moment of clarity, I realized how much my struggles must be hurting my family.  I guess that's all. 

I'm sick of having to be so Fucking grateful

I know they're letting me live here rent free, I know I should be so, so, so grateful, and I'm pretending to be.  I'm pretending to like their psycho dog, I'm doing every dish that's dirtied (mine and theirs) I'm playing games that I hate with them and having mindless conversation about every single detail of their day before I've even had my first cigarette in the morning, I'm doing yard work for free all because I'm supposed to be grateful.  What's going on inside of me, I hope they will never understand.  I'm pushing 21 days clean again and that's where I've failed at least 5 times already.  Every morning I wake up and my first thought is using, triggers are everywhere, and I'm lonely, so god damned lonely, but so lonely that I know if I get a chance to be unlonely then I'll just latch on so badly that I'll push people away.  So instead of seeking an end to my loneliness, I hide inside myself more and I know that will drive me to use.  I just got a dead fuck off letter from Wal*Mart, confirming that I am, in fact, that biggest looser on the planet.  Ugh, I just want to cry, but they're always there, asking me "what's wrong?"  They don't want to know.  I just want to be left alone.