I'm sick of having to be so Fucking grateful

I know they're letting me live here rent free, I know I should be so, so, so grateful, and I'm pretending to be.  I'm pretending to like their psycho dog, I'm doing every dish that's dirtied (mine and theirs) I'm playing games that I hate with them and having mindless conversation about every single detail of their day before I've even had my first cigarette in the morning, I'm doing yard work for free all because I'm supposed to be grateful.  What's going on inside of me, I hope they will never understand.  I'm pushing 21 days clean again and that's where I've failed at least 5 times already.  Every morning I wake up and my first thought is using, triggers are everywhere, and I'm lonely, so god damned lonely, but so lonely that I know if I get a chance to be unlonely then I'll just latch on so badly that I'll push people away.  So instead of seeking an end to my loneliness, I hide inside myself more and I know that will drive me to use.  I just got a dead fuck off letter from Wal*Mart, confirming that I am, in fact, that biggest looser on the planet.  Ugh, I just want to cry, but they're always there, asking me "what's wrong?"  They don't want to know.  I just want to be left alone.