I still hate. God do I still hate. I wish I could love half as much as I hated. But I can't. I've been wronged by so many people lately that all I can feel anymore is hate. I can't forgive right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive. I'm just not strong enough. I miss my friends. But I pushed them away. I promise to be a better friend, a better son, a better brother. Not conditionally, just because it feels good to be good sometimes. I just want to feel a little bit better about life, but I can't. Even as I'm writing this, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay.

With this shot, I officially succumb to alcoholism . . .

I remember a time when drinking 6 or 7 shots of whiskey (alone, btw) would have gotten me drunk, now I'm just bored. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.

People are what we perceive them to be. When I look at someone, namely my mom, I see them as everything they've ever done, not who they really are. Hence me reverting to the kid when I lived with my grandparents. The point is, when I can stop seeing people are all that they've done instead of who they are now, then I'll finally be able to move on with my life. When I look at them, I don't even see them anymore, I only see the reflections of the worst and best in me.

I am so scared this morning. Change is being thrust upon me just as it has been for months now and all I want is someone to make it all feel better. I know that no one person will ever be able to make it all better, but that's what I want right now. A hug, a few kind words, I've used up all my friends. I still miss Amy, and Grant and Whitney, even though they hurt me so much, I still miss them. I know that they can't make everything or anything better, but everything's changing and I'm scared damnit. I don't want to drink, I don't want to smoke, I don't want to do anything like that, I just want to . . . I don't know what I want. I want . . . I want . . . Well maybe I don't know what I want, and since I don't know what I want, maybe I should focus on what I need. I never really ask myself that question.

I need to get out of debt, I need to get my licence back, I need to get my own place, I need to get a better job. In the immediate future, I need to get ready for work. I need to go to work and not think about all the stresses in my outside life. I need to concentrate on work no matter how mundane and consuming it is . . . Blah. Now I have a head ache. I just want a magic pill that will make all of life's problems go away.

I dreamt all night of a post apocalyptic world akin to the "The Stand". I held a dying Bill Clinton in my arms as I told him America was dead and I watched the Whitehouse burn to the ground. Also, I'm pretty sure I died at least twice last night . . . just wanted to get that dream out there before I lost it.

Crisis of confidence - or a failed exercise in self promotion

So I realized tonight that I once again have zero self confidence. I feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit looser and I have no idea why I still have the friends that I have. So instead of dwelling it as I usually do, I'm going to do something radical and selfish. I'm going to spend five minutes writing about what an amazing person I am and you get to watch . . . so here I go the timer's set.

I am an incredibly friend. I will always be there for anyone without asking what's in it for me. I always have good intentions even if good intentions really do pave the path to hell. I can type fast. I have a passion for the written word that is uniquely me. I make a mean soup and I have to say despite the fact that I smoke so much, I think I have really good tastes. Tastes in food, taste in books, great tastes in movies. . . . I can't think of anything else to write, what else is good about me? I always work as hard as necessary and I'm able to take the lead when necessary. I'm kinda cute. I'm a good writer. I'm running out of ideas. I don't know what else to say. I can't think of another good thing about me. I still have a minute and a half left. I give up. I thought this would work, but it just didn't.

Just to expand this experiment, I'm going to repeat the exercise saying what is bad about me. This may hurt, but maybe getting it all out will help me see as a whole what I'm only seeing as fragments now. So here it goes, five minutes:

I'm fat. I have bad teeth. I drink too much. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm pushing my family away. I'm a looser. I'm a user. I'm a disappointment to my family. I'm prone to being used. I drive a crappy car. I work for minimum wage saying that it's making me happy, but really constantly guessing myself the entire time. I'm fake. I'm needy. I'm a drain on society. I bring people down when I'm down. I'm either paranoid or I'm positive that people talk about me behind my back pretty much all the time. I don't dress good enough. I'm about to go to court in two days and I have no idea what's going to happen to me.

And that's the point that I needed to get to. The reason I feel like such a piece of shit looser mother fucker who deserves nothing but rejection and humiliation is because I'm so worried about going to court in two days. I am so afraid that I'm going to end up in jail, I don't think I could handle it. Maybe I can and maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will be finally fulfilling my destiny that I layed out for myself oh so long ago when I decided that I'm probably going to end up in prison before I'm thirty. I don't remember coming to that conclusion . . . is it yet another thing I can blame on my mother? Do I really want to?

Maybe I just need to get away. Find myself. Even if what I find is a slightly more reserved me than what I was.

That's another point that I go to earlier, I've been trying to find who I was when everything was going good. I have no idea how I was different, but I was. The best thing to do is to replicate as many of those conditions as possible.

I really need to address my drinking. I have to decide for myself if I am an alcoholic or just immature? Would it really make a difference? I can't drink recreationally. I know that I can't have fun without it anymore. This sucks, I did meth for six months and I kicked it and alcohol is what does me in? That is what brings me down? That's kind of bullshit isn't it? I mean at least it could have been a harder drug, then I would have gotten more sympathy. When someone gets addicted to heroine or meth, then it seems there's a certain understanding that because those are so addictive that it's understandable that they got addicted to it. With alcohol, most people can control it, I can't. Period. I always have to drink to the point of blackout or not at all.
So does that mean I have to stop period or do I just need learn to control it? That's the question of the day I guess. And actually a question for another day. That is something that I'm going to have to think on.

I wish I had a better ending for you tonight. There was no huge revelations . . . I just put some pieces together that were missing from my view of the world. Will it help knowing the problems now? Maybe a little, and if it even helps a little, it was worth it because nothing else is.

Zoloft Diaries

I know it's going to be hard for everyone to accept that I'm going to change overnight. But the fact is, that I am. It's just that simple. I take this magical pill, and the world seems like a less threatening place. Sure that means headaches in the afternoon and decreased sex drive, but people seems to like me better, so I'm making a sacrifice for my friends and family. I just wish some would appreciate that more.

I know that I was an asshole before, I knew it while it was happening, it just took me a while to make the connection between quitting Zoloft and the collapse of my life from the ground up. I'm not saying that none of that would have happened anyway. KT would have still cost me my job and BTW, I still hate them more than I've ever loved anyone. I wish KT NO harm, but I don't think I would be hugely disappointed if Karma finally caught up with them and KT ended up homeless on the corner, addicted to meth, begging for quarters. In fact, I think I might have to stop by and spit on them if I did find them in such a predicament. I wish them no harm.

Today is not the day for me to be watching any movies, I'm sick of seeing romance. Lonely never changes. But I've made a decision and that's what's keeping me going today. As soon as I get the chance, I'm going to put myself back on Zoloft.

I didn't like it much, it made it so I could play the game, but I could never finish. I'll know what the means later, so it doesn't matter that you don't. But now that I'm off of it, I can't seem to get into the game at all, so I'm stuck on the sidelines watching. But the important thing is, people seemed to like me more when I was on Zoloft. My depression I can deal with, it's a security blanket.

Depression justifies a lot. It justifies whining to everyone until they just don't care anymore. It justifies spending entire weekends holed up in a room on a computer crying at whatever gets through my oh so thin skin. It justifies making rash decisions in the name of happiness. But it pushes people away.

It makes me unpleasant and I know that it does. Zoloft, for whatever reason, made people like me. And that's what I've always wanted. I just wanted to be liked. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted people to actually look forward to seeing me. I've always wanted to turn down invitations and decide what I want to do with my night instead of always having to initiate the contact with people.

I don't know how I was acting differently on Zoloft than I am now, not exactly. I have some vague idea of what I was doing differently, but I can't really pinpoint anything. Like those find the difference puzzles. But hopefully that will be the first step in my salvation.

For now, I spend another weekend wrapped up in my depression and maybe I'll make an effort, and maybe I won't. I just know that today, suicide is only a comforting thought and not a real option because I have just a little ray of hope, and that's all I really need.

Blah, I gotta deal with my family today. They hate me and I hate them, but way too often I we have to get together and pretend we like each other. It's a lot of bullshit if you ask me. Why do I have to be nice to these people that I don't like? Because they're family that's why. I don't want to do anything except tell these assholes off, but I'm not gonna. Instead I'm going to smile and laugh at their "good natured" insults. And I won't bring up the fact that my step dad hit on my cousin, or my cousin is a pedophile when they bring up the fact that I'm such a fat, lazy, piece of shit, poor excuse for a human being. I won't bring up the fact that my mother is a murderer or my sister's a looser who can't get a job when they're degrading my choices in life or saying in their own passive aggressive way that this family has seemed to perfected: "Why are you eating so much?" or "I've lost fifty pounds . . . ".

Why is there so much hate and resentment towards everything built up in my recently? Where is my happy? I'm not even looking for Happily Ever After anymore, at this point I would be content with one of those moments where I stop and say: at this moment, life is good. I haven't had one of those since I lost my job and my apartment. I just want happy for a little bit. Please God, just a moment of happiness today is all I need to get me through the next few weeks, months of the Hell that has become my life.