Crisis of confidence - or a failed exercise in self promotion

So I realized tonight that I once again have zero self confidence. I feel like I'm the biggest piece of shit looser and I have no idea why I still have the friends that I have. So instead of dwelling it as I usually do, I'm going to do something radical and selfish. I'm going to spend five minutes writing about what an amazing person I am and you get to watch . . . so here I go the timer's set.

I am an incredibly friend. I will always be there for anyone without asking what's in it for me. I always have good intentions even if good intentions really do pave the path to hell. I can type fast. I have a passion for the written word that is uniquely me. I make a mean soup and I have to say despite the fact that I smoke so much, I think I have really good tastes. Tastes in food, taste in books, great tastes in movies. . . . I can't think of anything else to write, what else is good about me? I always work as hard as necessary and I'm able to take the lead when necessary. I'm kinda cute. I'm a good writer. I'm running out of ideas. I don't know what else to say. I can't think of another good thing about me. I still have a minute and a half left. I give up. I thought this would work, but it just didn't.

Just to expand this experiment, I'm going to repeat the exercise saying what is bad about me. This may hurt, but maybe getting it all out will help me see as a whole what I'm only seeing as fragments now. So here it goes, five minutes:

I'm fat. I have bad teeth. I drink too much. I'm pushing my friends away. I'm pushing my family away. I'm a looser. I'm a user. I'm a disappointment to my family. I'm prone to being used. I drive a crappy car. I work for minimum wage saying that it's making me happy, but really constantly guessing myself the entire time. I'm fake. I'm needy. I'm a drain on society. I bring people down when I'm down. I'm either paranoid or I'm positive that people talk about me behind my back pretty much all the time. I don't dress good enough. I'm about to go to court in two days and I have no idea what's going to happen to me.

And that's the point that I needed to get to. The reason I feel like such a piece of shit looser mother fucker who deserves nothing but rejection and humiliation is because I'm so worried about going to court in two days. I am so afraid that I'm going to end up in jail, I don't think I could handle it. Maybe I can and maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will be finally fulfilling my destiny that I layed out for myself oh so long ago when I decided that I'm probably going to end up in prison before I'm thirty. I don't remember coming to that conclusion . . . is it yet another thing I can blame on my mother? Do I really want to?

Maybe I just need to get away. Find myself. Even if what I find is a slightly more reserved me than what I was.

That's another point that I go to earlier, I've been trying to find who I was when everything was going good. I have no idea how I was different, but I was. The best thing to do is to replicate as many of those conditions as possible.

I really need to address my drinking. I have to decide for myself if I am an alcoholic or just immature? Would it really make a difference? I can't drink recreationally. I know that I can't have fun without it anymore. This sucks, I did meth for six months and I kicked it and alcohol is what does me in? That is what brings me down? That's kind of bullshit isn't it? I mean at least it could have been a harder drug, then I would have gotten more sympathy. When someone gets addicted to heroine or meth, then it seems there's a certain understanding that because those are so addictive that it's understandable that they got addicted to it. With alcohol, most people can control it, I can't. Period. I always have to drink to the point of blackout or not at all.
So does that mean I have to stop period or do I just need learn to control it? That's the question of the day I guess. And actually a question for another day. That is something that I'm going to have to think on.

I wish I had a better ending for you tonight. There was no huge revelations . . . I just put some pieces together that were missing from my view of the world. Will it help knowing the problems now? Maybe a little, and if it even helps a little, it was worth it because nothing else is.