I find myself falling into old patterns, as much as I've learned, it means nothing. I am still the friend and not the bf. They come to me for guidance and when they need something, I don't want to be the wuss, but here I am. How can I do this after all I've learned? I'm so mad at myself for doing this again, no matter how hard I try I'll still the person that gets walked all over. The only difference is that I know what I'm doing this time, but what good does that do when I can't stop it? There is so much more to say and I should have stopped there, but I don't know how to stop. I don't care anymore, I just want to drink myself stupid and curse my naivete, I'm so sick of being this way. God help me to break my patterns! I need these to go away. So perfectly content to be alone when hope peaks it's ugly head I jump at it the same way I've always jumped at it, and it never works. I need to stop this, but I don't know how. God how I need help, why can't I be content to be alone any more? I didn't realize how alone I was until I thought I might not be. And now I do the same things I've always done and it never works. I know it's not that I'm fat and ugly, though that has a lot to do with it. I know that I always become the wuss friend to girls that show a little interest, and they never show any more. What I don't understand is how I can see this happening and do nothing about it! Oh how I need help, even to be content in being alone again. Or to accept the futility of life one more time, that's all I want. I don't mind being lonely, but hope comes into the equation it makes lonely so much worse. I don't care any more, I just want to drink myself into oblivion and become friends with addiction one last time.