Just a real quick post before work. First, wireless sucks. I miss OEM. And second, Halo 3 came out this morning and I'm buying it first thing after work. I can't wait. Is it bad that I'm considering calling in sick for a day or two to immerse myself in a new game?

Though nobody seems to read this, I was bored and lonely as usual and I happened upon this survey on myspace. So I filled it out and it was almost like somebody cared enough to ask me all these questions. So here it is:


Myspace Survey About Me
Full Name: Jason Feller
Birthday: August 19, 1985
Birthplace: Lincoln City, OR
Age: 22
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blond
Height: 5'8"
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Worst Habit: ***********
Zodiac Sign: Leo
Parents Still Together: No, but my mom and step-dad have been together since I was 5.
Hero: Bill Clinton, I miss the 90's.
Greatest Fear: Death
Goal You Like To Achieve This Year: To find the next step on my journey through life.
Best Physical Feature: My hair maybe?
Favorites Color: Black, Purple, Green
Food: Anything deep fried.
Sport: College Football
Animal: Cat
Ice Cream: Mint without chocolate chips.
Candy: Snickers
Store: Anything but Wal*Mart, they killed the drive in.
Actor: Mat Damon
Movie: Right now . . . Pan's Labyrinth
Singer: Diamond Head
Song: Am I evil?
Letter: W, my middle initial and the reason I can say I share a birthday with last president and a middle initial with the current one.
Number: 1, it's the loneliest number
Gum: Winterfresh
Holiday: Thanksgiving (go sweet potatoes!)
Season: Winter, I didn't really have one growing up on the coast.
Drink: Diet Pepsi and Jack and Coke
Day of the Week: Saturday, college football all day, party all night.
Month: December, a time to look back.
Book: The Stand by Stephen King
Flavor: Mint
Scent: Not something I'd wear, but cucumber melon.
Ethnic Food: German
TV Show: Entourage
NFL Football Team: Seahawks
Board Game: Risk
Chinese Checkers
Card Game: Gin or Blackjack
Type of Car: Yukon Denali
Name for a Girl: Emily
Name for a Boy: Jake
Quote: "Is all that we see or seem, but a dream within a dream?" - - Edgar Allen Poe
Season: Winter
Subject: Psychology

Friends and Life
What do you want to be when you grow up: An adult
How do you want to die: I don't want to die
Which one of your friends acts most like you: I'm unique
Who Makes You Laugh the Most: I don't laugh
Who Have You Known the Longest: Denise
Who's The Shyest: Me
Where Do You Want to live when you grow up: Alaska

Have You Ever....
Been Kissed: Yes
Skipped School: Yes
Laughed So Hard You Cried: No
Cried in School: Not since 1st grade.
Wanted to be a Model: No
Been on a stage: Yes
Cheated on a test: Yes, but I let her copy off of me.
Called a teacher mom: Let's just say no.
Said something really stupid and then regretted it: Every day

Do You....
Sing Well: I like to think so.
Shower Daily: Definitely
Want to go to College: Yeah
Want to get married: Yes, sometimes all I want is a family.
Want to have kids: Yes
Believe in yourself: At times
Get Motion Sickness: Nope
Get Along with Your Parents: Not most of the time
Like Thunderstorms: Love 'em
Play an Instrument: No
Own an IPOD: Nope
Pray: No
Go to Church:No
Read Your Bible: When I really can't sleep.
Sleep with a stuffed animal: Nope
Keep a Journal: I've kept a blog for the past four years.
Sing in the Shower: Yes
Talk to yourself: Yeah, but I don't answer back.
Like School: If it weren't for all the people.
Own a Laptop: Nope

This or That
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: BK Lounge
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Strawberries or Blueberries: strawberries
Tv or Movies: TV
Chinese or Mexican: Chinese
Cheerios or Cornflakes: Cornflakes
Casual or Dressy: Casual
Love or Money: Love doesn't exist, so money.
Black or White: Black
Math or Science: Neither
Football or Basketball: Football
Tennis Shoes or Flip-flops: Tennis Shoes
Candy or Gum: Neither
Car or Truck: Car, trucks are killing the O-Zone
Snow or Rain: Snow!
Summer or Winter: Winter
Hot or Cold: cold
Tea or Coffee: Coffee
Pizza or Hamburger: Hamburger
French Fries or Onion Rings: Fries
Jeans or Khakis: Jeans
City or Country: Small town

Can You....
Do A Split: No
Roll Your Tongue in A Circle: Yes
Write With Both Hands: No
Whistle: Yes
Blow A Bubble: Yes
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose: No
Dance: I can try.
Eat Whatever You Want and Not Worry: Heck Yes, but I shouldn't
Who Was The Last Person You Touched: I don't touch people
Talked on the Phone to: Some awful customer
Instant Messaged: Sue
Hugged: Carley
Told You Loved Them: There's no such thing.
Took A Picture: Cassie
Smiled At: The customer I was talking to about the Eagles yesterday.

What's The Last Time
Time You Laughed: A few hours ago.
Time You Cried: A good drunk gone bad.
Movie You Watched: Pan's Labyrinth
Flavor of Gum You Chewed: Citrus Mint
Song You've Sung: Elanore Rigby
Place You've Been: work
Book You've Read: The Golden Compass
Grade You Made on A Test: A
Person You Talked To In Person: Roommate

Right At This Moment
Where Are You: Home
What Can You See Out Your Window: Trees
Are You Listening To Music: No
What Are You Wearing: jeans and work shirt.

Beliefs
Do you believe in life on other planets: Yeah, the universe is too big for us to be unique.
Do you believe in miracles: Not really
Magic: Only in books
Love at first sight: At this point love seems a myth
God: I really really want to, but I can't.
Satan: same thing
Ghosts: same thing
Santa: Ha ha, I'm Santa
Evolution: definitely
Big Bang: It's better than creation.
Abortion: NO!!!!
Gay Marriage: Well sure, who cares not my business!!!

In The Opposite Sex
Fav. Eye Color: Green
Fav Hair Color: Red
Short or Long Hair: Long
Height: Shorter than 5'10"
Weight: Doesn't Matter
Clothing Style: As simple as possible

Random What Country Would You Most Like To Visit: Ireland
Number of CD's I own: none I think
Good Luck Charm: don't have one
How Many Pillows Do You Sleep With: 1
How Many Blankets Do You Sleep With: 1
Do You Drink Milk: ya
Where Do You Think We Go When We Die: Sadly, nowhere
How Many Rings Until You Answer Your Phone: On the 2nd one ore not at all.
Are You A Health Freak: No, but I'm getting better.
What Is The Worst Weather: Sunny and 85 degrees, it's depressing
Did You Play With Barbies As A Child: No
Did You Watch Barney As A Child: No, but my sisters did.
How Many Grades Have You Failed: None
How Many States Have You Been In: 6
Which State Would You Like To Visit That You Have Not Been To?: Alaska

I hate being an inconvenience for people. I should just change my mind and say I'm too sick to go or something like that. Or I'll try to make it up to them, my uncle and his family is going out of their way to pick me up even though I have a car. Just because I'm too fucking stoned to give directions or to drive to Mount Angel for that matter. Why should my insecurities and intoxications cause other people work? They're my insecurities to deal with, hmmm, there's a thought, maybe I like my insecurities because they're comfortable. No that doesn't make any sense. But I often think that the only reason I still have my character flaws is because subconciencly I want to have them. Why else would I still be a social outcast at 22. It's like socializing has these rules that everybody is supposed to learn before they enter school and nobody every taught them to me. So to start out life I was behind and as children grow they learn the other social subtleties. Since I didn't have the base of social skills before entering school, my peers learned of these subtleties without me, leaving me behind even further. By the third grade I was firmly established as a social outcast and from at that point I never turned it around. I'm sure there were opportunities to turn it all around and become a normal person, but by the time they came around my experiences as social outcast prevented me from taking them. For example in 8th grade something happened to me where people who I thought were my friends really couldn't stand me. They didn't tell me as much as reported me to the school concealer because I was following them around. Can you imagine how humiliating that was? Here I was thinking that I had established myself in a new school when these people basically accuse me of stalking them. Anyway, that experience made me believe that every time I thought somebody was being nice to me, they really wanted me to go away. I couldn't trust my own perceptions of people. My thoughts were something like: "That girl was nice to me. Was she? Or do I just think she was acting nice to me when she really wanted me to go away. Ohh, now I feel depressed, even though that girl acted nice she really wanted me to go away. Nobody will ever love me." I know I was fucked up then, and really I still am. Talking to those people from high school I realize that I was a very different person back then. Since I spend most of my time looking back, I forget how much I've changed. Back then I was rode life on emotion and I could never get anything productive done unless I was emotionally charged. Life was all about me and what I wanted and nobody else really factored into my life. And I was incredibly naive back then. People probably looked down on me because I just wasn't at their level socially. I have to say though, I was a lot better looking back then than I am now. So the price of figuring out how to be social was loosing the looks to do it with. Or something like that, this entry is really starting to ramble. I'm sure none of this will make sense tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow it's only a day away. Now I'm just typing for the sheer joy of typing. There's something good to be felt from knowing that I can type exactly as fast as I think. There's nothing between my fingers and my mind. It's a continuous flow of thought. That's when I do some of my best writing. Of course nobody will ever take the time to read this. Maybe if I get famous all these lonely rantings will be read. I've been keeping a blog consistently since late senior year. That's almost five years with no more than a six week gap in posts and I think that only happened when I lost access to a private computer for a while. So this is getting really long so I should probably stop. I hope it stays cloudy today I plan to wear all black and I don't want to be in hell like I was at the Ducks game. And speaking of the Ducks, they're doing pretty good this year. They made it through the preseason unscathed. I don't think that they're going to make it through the pac-10 schedule quite so easily. My prediction is that the Ducks loose to USC and Cal and maybe Arizona or some other random team. The Ducks will play in a mid level bowl game and try again next year.

Am I living too much in the past? I don't know, I want to write more but there seems to be some sort of mental block. Like even writing in this blog is some how living too much in the past. I know that I will read what I write today in a year or two or even a few months if things change dramatically for some unknown reason. So the point of this entry, now that my block is slowly going away. Earlier today I was in search of who I was back in high school and so I started to look up people from back then on myspace. I see this girl that I walked at graduation with, so I send her a friendly e-mail saying "How've you been, etc." I know that I have to stop doing that. I've been searching for satisfaction in the past when there's nothing there except for broken plans and dieing dreams. So she replies to me and said that I was the guy that complimented her practically every day. That's embarrassing. I was weird back then, I was so eager to please. Back then I was only kid, I could make mistakes and people would shrug them off. If only somebody would have told me that the way I was approaching relationships was just not the right way. I don't know if I would have listened back then, I thought that it was still maybe possible to have that high school relationship that I missed. I thought it might happen I just had to try harder. I knew that there was someone out there for me, but somehow the way I attached to people and tried to gain their attention, I don't know. Nobody ever versed me on the finer points of socializing. I had to figure it out by trial and error. So I did everything wrong the first and second sometimes third times. I didn't know that girls didn't like to be showered by compliments by guys they barely knew, that's what they did on TV. I didn't know how to read those subtle signs that people give out when they're uncomfortable with you, because on TV nothing's subtle. So I made my mistakes, and eventually I learned what was socially acceptable and what wasn't, but I made a lot more mistakes along the way than most people. There are still weird incidents from my past that will randomly pop up in my head while I'm thinking about something else and I'll blush because of how stupid I was. It's almost like post traumatic stress. That's something that would be cool to have. Alas, my time is limited so I must stop this rant prematurely. This really was some of the most honest writing I've done in a long time. I think I've purged myself of some pent up embarrassment. Maybe it won't be so bad anymore.

Two mile stones this week. One, the last post was my 180th post. One hundred and eighty times I have come to my blog in to express those feelings that nobody cares about. When I was at my most alone, this blog made me feel a little better. And when I'm at my most desperate, well sometimes it makes me seem a more desperate. I'm considering moving a few select entries to my myspace account. These are going to be great example of my writing and hopefully nothing too personal. Just enough to offend some people and to intrigue others. I think I'll do that. I know that myspace is too damned public, but I should at least bare some of my soul to those people who look at what I choose to present to the world and judge me. This blog has been at times a place of judgement. There are times when I lash out at one person or another in ways that I could never say to their faces. There are some forbidden thoughts in the depth of this collection that should remain buried. I don't want people to see the real me, but seeing the me that I choose to present has not been working lately either. So let's see what there is to post on myspace. I think I'll post links to some of my favorite entries here before I post them on myspace. So without any more rambling, I will plunge into these past 180 entries and pick out those that show my skills.

A missed encounters ad from Eugene's Craigslist:

our song - w4m


you even know what it is? isn't life great? it don't matter if your rich.... (you will never get it, will you?)

This struck me as sad, because I think that's what I'm doing with life. This mystery woman is stabbing this unknown guy with accusations of greed. All the woman wants is a connection and the guy is too lost in the superficial to notice. Maybe the guy isn't intentionally superficial or greedy, maybe the guy's just apprehensive of real relationships. Maybe past failures have killed this guy's ability to connect with someone. Maybe all the woman needs to do is be push herself on the guy a little harder so there's no more confusion.

And maybe, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm bored and I can write what I want to.

For a different point of view: I smoke alone.

To set up the scene a little: I just spent two days in Eugene hanging out with various people. It seems like I was trying to capture something that I thought I used to have but didn't. But that's not the real issue, the real issue is, fuck it. I think I'm going to smoke a bowl and see if life's problems can really float away on a cloud of smoke. Huh, I guess life's problems really can float away on a cloud of smoke. It doesn't matter that I committed all kinds of social faux pauxs causing me to look like a jack ass on at least three occasions. It doesn't matter that I my original budget for the weekend went all to hell because of an overlooked cell phone charger. It doesn't matter that I have the last wireless training test tomorrow and I just couldn't concentrate on studying in class. Wow, this weed is good. It feels like I'm floating upside down like in those old squirrel cages at the carnival. My sense of perspective is weird. It's like I'm laying on the ground typing on the computer that's some how lower that where I am laying on the ground. Ha ha, I'm going to keep that in, even though I don't know if it will make any sense later. What's weird is that I can control this weird sense of vertigo, any time I want I can divert my eyes from the computer screen and the world feels normal again. Weird, damn it, negative thoughts are starting to invade this high. But now I forgot them, so that's okay. So where was I before that diversion? Hmmm, oh yeah. It's kind of depressing to think about where I was at the beginning of this entry. My other issue is the fact that my mood can go from the deepest pits of depression to happy indifference with just a few puffs. Yeah it's nice, but does that mean I'm incapable of experiencing this happiness without it? No, that's not true. I can still have real fun without weed, like Friday at the Eugene Celebration. I think it's time for another hit. Now those thoughts of failure are creeping into my mind. This is bad, this line of thought can be very bad. I don't want to obsess on every little mistake that I made this weekend. I don't want to analyze every bit of social interaction that I had this weekend. So I won't, but even as I write this I'm starting to feel that overwhelming guilt that I know will come later. It's inevitable. It's funny that these emotions are so familiar to me. Planning or not planning a weekend, budgeting for it way to liberally and then breaking that budget anyway. There's the anticipation of the planning and the weekend; the countdown on the calender; the sense of optimism or angst on the way there, the freedom of being there, then inevitable plunge into. . . . well and so on. Anyway, I lost that line of thought, so it might be interesting to read later. And as suddenly as this entry began, it ends. I'm off for something more interesting to entertain my stoned mind.

As much as I've been complaining about my roommate and his girlfriend kissing, I just woke up from a dream where, in the middle of some adventure, I was kissing a girl randomly and she was kissing back and I loved it. Maybe the reason I hate the sound of their kissing is because I'm jealous. Sure I've had a few (very few) kisses in my life, but I've never been in a situation where I have a girlfriend that I can kiss whenever I want. I know this is more petty whining, but yeah I want a girl to kiss whenever I want.

I'm sad. Life is starting to feel pointless. All that I've been depending on to mask my loneliness is crumbling and it's all starting to seem so hopeless. I want to cry. I don't know. Maybe smoking weed constantly is not the answer. I know it never was, but it took the edge off of the sense of hopelessness. It's like the only thing that can fill this void is people, but people annoy me. It doesn't matter who it is, eventually they annoy me or I annoy them. I'm too whiny. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry for all that I don't have. Don't ask me to do anything about it, I can't. Even if I could, what would be the point? We all die in the end. And yet, when I'm around my family, especially my little sisters, I feel loved and I like that feeling. This is all just pointless whining, but if nobody else will listen where else do I vent my feelings of inadequacy. I just wish there were some way to end these feelings.

Another rant about life and loneliness. I am so sick of being lonely. How many personal adds to I have to post, how many do I have to answer, how many times must I be rejected before I give up. But I don't want to give up. Loneliness is becoming what death is to me: an unacceptable inevitability. Like death, when I think about how lonely I am I'm filled with an indescribable sense of fear and my mind jumps to the edge of panic. And again like death, it's seeming more and more inevitable. I've done all I can and I've had no success. So when I've tried all that I can and it doesn't work, shouldn't that be the end of it? Shouldn't I just give up and spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity? In other, most positive news, Cassie wants to hang out again. But the trouble with that is she always has a boyfriend and I am very attracted to her. I can't get around that, or maybe she's just the best girl that's ever paid me any attention. Alas, even if she was interested in me I would find a way to ruin it, when somebody gets too close I push them away. I've said this all a hundred times and nothing's changed, but every time I feel lonely it's as bad as the first time and it never gets any easier.