I hate being an inconvenience for people. I should just change my mind and say I'm too sick to go or something like that. Or I'll try to make it up to them, my uncle and his family is going out of their way to pick me up even though I have a car. Just because I'm too fucking stoned to give directions or to drive to Mount Angel for that matter. Why should my insecurities and intoxications cause other people work? They're my insecurities to deal with, hmmm, there's a thought, maybe I like my insecurities because they're comfortable. No that doesn't make any sense. But I often think that the only reason I still have my character flaws is because subconciencly I want to have them. Why else would I still be a social outcast at 22. It's like socializing has these rules that everybody is supposed to learn before they enter school and nobody every taught them to me. So to start out life I was behind and as children grow they learn the other social subtleties. Since I didn't have the base of social skills before entering school, my peers learned of these subtleties without me, leaving me behind even further. By the third grade I was firmly established as a social outcast and from at that point I never turned it around. I'm sure there were opportunities to turn it all around and become a normal person, but by the time they came around my experiences as social outcast prevented me from taking them. For example in 8th grade something happened to me where people who I thought were my friends really couldn't stand me. They didn't tell me as much as reported me to the school concealer because I was following them around. Can you imagine how humiliating that was? Here I was thinking that I had established myself in a new school when these people basically accuse me of stalking them. Anyway, that experience made me believe that every time I thought somebody was being nice to me, they really wanted me to go away. I couldn't trust my own perceptions of people. My thoughts were something like: "That girl was nice to me. Was she? Or do I just think she was acting nice to me when she really wanted me to go away. Ohh, now I feel depressed, even though that girl acted nice she really wanted me to go away. Nobody will ever love me." I know I was fucked up then, and really I still am. Talking to those people from high school I realize that I was a very different person back then. Since I spend most of my time looking back, I forget how much I've changed. Back then I was rode life on emotion and I could never get anything productive done unless I was emotionally charged. Life was all about me and what I wanted and nobody else really factored into my life. And I was incredibly naive back then. People probably looked down on me because I just wasn't at their level socially. I have to say though, I was a lot better looking back then than I am now. So the price of figuring out how to be social was loosing the looks to do it with. Or something like that, this entry is really starting to ramble. I'm sure none of this will make sense tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow it's only a day away. Now I'm just typing for the sheer joy of typing. There's something good to be felt from knowing that I can type exactly as fast as I think. There's nothing between my fingers and my mind. It's a continuous flow of thought. That's when I do some of my best writing. Of course nobody will ever take the time to read this. Maybe if I get famous all these lonely rantings will be read. I've been keeping a blog consistently since late senior year. That's almost five years with no more than a six week gap in posts and I think that only happened when I lost access to a private computer for a while. So this is getting really long so I should probably stop. I hope it stays cloudy today I plan to wear all black and I don't want to be in hell like I was at the Ducks game. And speaking of the Ducks, they're doing pretty good this year. They made it through the preseason unscathed. I don't think that they're going to make it through the pac-10 schedule quite so easily. My prediction is that the Ducks loose to USC and Cal and maybe Arizona or some other random team. The Ducks will play in a mid level bowl game and try again next year.