Am I living too much in the past? I don't know, I want to write more but there seems to be some sort of mental block. Like even writing in this blog is some how living too much in the past. I know that I will read what I write today in a year or two or even a few months if things change dramatically for some unknown reason. So the point of this entry, now that my block is slowly going away. Earlier today I was in search of who I was back in high school and so I started to look up people from back then on myspace. I see this girl that I walked at graduation with, so I send her a friendly e-mail saying "How've you been, etc." I know that I have to stop doing that. I've been searching for satisfaction in the past when there's nothing there except for broken plans and dieing dreams. So she replies to me and said that I was the guy that complimented her practically every day. That's embarrassing. I was weird back then, I was so eager to please. Back then I was only kid, I could make mistakes and people would shrug them off. If only somebody would have told me that the way I was approaching relationships was just not the right way. I don't know if I would have listened back then, I thought that it was still maybe possible to have that high school relationship that I missed. I thought it might happen I just had to try harder. I knew that there was someone out there for me, but somehow the way I attached to people and tried to gain their attention, I don't know. Nobody ever versed me on the finer points of socializing. I had to figure it out by trial and error. So I did everything wrong the first and second sometimes third times. I didn't know that girls didn't like to be showered by compliments by guys they barely knew, that's what they did on TV. I didn't know how to read those subtle signs that people give out when they're uncomfortable with you, because on TV nothing's subtle. So I made my mistakes, and eventually I learned what was socially acceptable and what wasn't, but I made a lot more mistakes along the way than most people. There are still weird incidents from my past that will randomly pop up in my head while I'm thinking about something else and I'll blush because of how stupid I was. It's almost like post traumatic stress. That's something that would be cool to have. Alas, my time is limited so I must stop this rant prematurely. This really was some of the most honest writing I've done in a long time. I think I've purged myself of some pent up embarrassment. Maybe it won't be so bad anymore.