I just saw Donnie Darko for the first time, and wow, what a disturbing and thought provoking movie. It's like, in order for him to die in the present, he hand to live a few more weeks so he could very indirectly cause his death. It's really hard to explain. But my reaction, without trying to explain it. I'm actually too stoned to write a good response, but it's scary. It's all about death and that's something that I try to avoid thinking about at all costs. In fact, in an effort not to let that little seed of panic into my mind an hour before bed, I'm going to talk about something else. As far as that blind date goes, it never happened. Even after I talked myself into going it fell through. Wow, it takes a real looser to get stood up on a blind date. And I know I wasn't stood up, but it still feels like getting rejected before the fact. Of course that's what I do to every girl that I meet. They're either, too good looking, too ugly, or just within the looks range that is willing to lower their standards to go out with me. I know that's a skewed logic, and putting into writing helped me realize just how skewed it is. Maybe I missed out on a lot of girls just because I thought they were out of my league. Who knows, maybe there is the one girl out there that will accept me for who I am, no despite, but because of my flaws. The one that will think my shyness is cute, my quirks are charming. I still hope she's out there somewhere. I know I won't judge on looks anymore, but I might have already passed up the one. Donnie Darko finds his one before he dies, as disturbed as he was, he found someone to love him for it. Plus Donnie Darko has one of those damsel in distress relationship. He save her from bullies and she looks to him for protection, they eventually grow to love each other from it. I don't know why, but there is something really appealing about a girl that is afraid and comes to me for comfort. It's like I have to be brave for her even if I don't feel it. When I'm alone the fear is allowed to take hold. What I'm trying to say is: I'm brave if somebody needs me to be brave. Maybe the damsel in distress (DID) appeals to me, because . . . I don't know why the DID appeals to me so much. It's like I want to make the pain go away, I want to save you from the pain that I can't save myself from. And that's it, I'll be brave for you and I'll make your pain go away, so maybe I can forget about my own. And who is this "you" that I'm referring to? I don't know, the girl of my dreams maybe, my co inhibitor for my most out there ideas. What I just spit out was a letter to my first and future girlfriend, that will be in my next post. I hope somebody reads it, just so I know I'm not as crazy as I fear I am.